My day today:
7:00 alarm goes off, take meds, snooze
7:30-8:30 up, pee, coffee, food, pet kitty, post to blog
8:30-9:15 shower, get ready for work
I feel pretty good. I know I have to conserve energy because I've been feeling a bit crappy all week and I've got to work. I have 3 clients on the schedule then I have to pick up the bike from the dealership. Already I am wondering if this is too much, since last week I came home after 2 clients and slept for 2 hours before I could do any homework. I have to be alert to ride.
10am-first client and already I am feeling weak. joints are sore, arms shake with deeper pressure that used to be easy for me to give. I begin to wonder how I am going to make it through the day.
11:15-second client, I was able to sit down for about 2 minutes in between clients. This one is easier as she doesn't need deep work, still I find myself leaning too much to hold me up. I switch to autopilot-I ignore my body's signals and keep going. (how I suspect I've been surviving as long as I have)
12:25- 3rd client due in a few minutes. I am sitting with my head in my hands, eyes closed with fatigue...I am praying that the last client doesn't show, that he simply forgets that he has an appointment. I chant this over and over, asking for a break.
12:45 He hasn't shown up, I give thanks, pack up, and head home.
I need a little food and I have to lay down before I can get ready to pick up the bike. I am able to rest for about 30 minutes and I finally feel able to keep going. I make it through the pick up, remember to ask the questions of my service consultant that I need to ask, and make it home safely. I crash for two hours and have trouble waking up.
I have hours and hours of homework and a small paper to write that I've already had to ask for an extension on. I feed the body dinner, and make myself do the paper. I promise that once the paper is done I won't make the brain work anymore. The thing is, I WANT to do my homework. I like my classes and I want to do well in them. I'm frustrated.
And here I am. In bed with my computer on my lap. It's the only place I spend any time anymore when I'm home. I'm not 'confined' to my bed, but it's the only way I get any schoolwork done at all. When I don't use the body the mind lasts longer before it too gives up.
WTF?
My therapist says I've been in denial of my symptoms. That I've been ignoring things for so long that it's become 'normal' for me. Sure, I get that. I can remember periods of time when I felt like crap like I do now, and I can remember periods when I felt better, stronger, and healthier. I have been telling myself that I just need to keep going even when I'd rather rest. I didn't want to be "lazy" and I certainly didn't want to be 'sick.'
But I am sick. I am beginning to accept this. I am beginning to accept my limitations...it's moving slowly. I guess I'm a bit thick headed....I am a Taurus afterall. I don't want this. I want to feel healthy, I want to feel energetic, and able to work out, I want to dance, I want to play and do SM, I want to stress my body to see G-d, I want to fuck vigorously, I want to run. But my body isn't letting me do these things.
This is now the most severe my symptoms have ever been, and the longest they have lasted. I have had hives for going on 8 months. I can't seem to do my job, I'm falling behind in schoolwork, and I don't know what the answer is. I am waiting to hear about AHCCCS (Medicaid) and hopefully I will get into a Dr soon for more testing.
Until then, all I can do is PAY ATTENTION. To how I feel, to what the body needs, to what the mind needs. All I can do is take care of myself the best way I know how. I must honor my Self, and my limitations. I must rest when I need to rest. I don't know what else to do.
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