Spleens and Channa Masala

I haven't been able to eat a lot lately.  I've had just enough mild nausea that food doesn't seem very appetizing.  I also can't seem to handle larger volumes of food.  I've been surviving on about 8-900 calories a day.  Good news is I've lost a little weight, which, considering my limited activity level, is quite impressive.  I haven't had coffee in weeks, and I've been enjoying peppermint tea regularly.  It's comforting when hot, refreshing when iced, and helps with nausea.

So tonight I had some rice noodles and a little channa masala.  not a huge meal.  and about half an hour later I had pain in my spleen.  I couldn't stay upright without pain, but lying on my right side helped.  I took a couple naproxen and rested with an ice pack for about an hour and it's better enough that I can sit up to type.  I doubt that it was what I ate, I'm guessing it was too much volume.  I've had discomfort from volume before, but not pain. bleh.

I've gotten into the habit lately, looking for some before bed to get my mind ready for sleep rituals, of pulling three cards from a deck.  I have Sonia Choquette's Ask Your Guides cards.  I used to use them frequently, but haven't for a couple years now.  I'd like to pick up a set of Caroline Myss's Archetype cards.  I've been working with a few specific archetypes from the book Sacred Contracts, and I've discovered some new perspective and meaning after my recent growth experiences. 

Anyway...I pulled my three cards this evening, and I wanted to get it down.  1-how to view the current situation. 2-how to best raise the vibration 3-what I am over looking

1-"Death/Guardian Angels" devastation, surrender, defeat, humiliation   Your Guardian Angels' message, "Let go and let God(dess) take over.  And move on."

2-"Survival/Healer Guides" suspicion, endurance, vigilance, perserverance Their message: "The danger has passed, you are safe.  It is time now to heal and learn from your experience."

3-"Loss/Healer Guides" sorrow, depression, grief, regret Their message:"Seek sources of help"

I wish I could copy the full description from the cards here, but I don't have the patience to type it all out.  This doesn't feel like and average draw.  Or maybe it's cause I'm feeling pretty crappy, and I had a feeling at the office today that it was time to move on.  I knew this was to be a transition year for me, and I was mostly thinking about moving to San Francisco, applying to USF and likely getting accepted and such.  And I've felt such positive transitions in other areas of my life...I guess that maybe a new job...something with some health insurance, might be super nice.  I'd like to work at Whole Foods...

I'm doing my best to listen to my body, to my Spirit, to Goddess...I'm listening and working and changing, and surrendering to transition, even if it's uncomfortable.  I think this attitude helps to prevent the clue by 4 to the head that comes when listening isn't happening.  I'd like to avoid the clue by 4 thankyouverymuch.

OK, bed now.  rest.  class in the morning.

I want different things now...

I chatted briefly with a friend on FB who experienced his own first suspension a few weeks ago.  It was a horizontal prone, and it was also the first chance that I was able to act as piercer and ka-see-ka for a suspension with one of my mentors at my side.  And while we didn't have much time to chat, and promised more sharing at a later time, the one thing he did say was that he was surprised how much it changed him, that he'd heard about suspensions doing that, but he was still surprised.  And that he wanted different things now.

Yes.

Although my recent suspension was vertical, all 3 have been, it was very powerful for me.  Especially because it was quiet and relatively uneventful.  It was calm and peaceful.  I learned that a gentle experience can be more transformative than a loud and messy one.  This was the first time I was able to completely relax.  Every muscle let go...and really, unless you've been here, I simply don't know if there's anything comparable to it.  I don't know how to describe it.  Acceptance and surrender.  Love and the support of the Tribe.  Flying on the wings of community.

I cna identify with what my friend says.  I want different things now. 

I want to explore and express ALL my archetypes, and especially not box myself into one or a few identifications like "slave" or "healer"

I want a constellation.  One or more of that constellation may end up sharing space or co-habitating with me or being called "partner" but each person is valuable and loved for themselves.  I am not 'looking for a partner' and especially not seeking a Master...I am complete right now.

I want "home" to signify me and my loving community and Tribe. In the past 'home' has been associated with a lover or partner, and not with me or a physical place.

I want to live, physically reside, in a City and an environment that feeds me spiritually and feels comfortable.  For me, this means water, and Tribe, and lovers, and independence, and self-sufficiency.

I want my own personal power.  I haven't always valued my personal power like I do now, and I'm still growing, still learning and realizing how powerful I AM. 

I want to be professionally successful.  I deserve it.  That means the right school, the right job, the right livelihood.  Yes.

I want to be free to act on my intuition, to do what feels right in the moment.  I want to speak and to act with a high degree of authenticity. 

I want to face difficult or uncomfortable situations with courage, and not avoid them, or procrastinate out of fear.

I want lots of love and sex and play...with the right people.  I want quality, I want connection, I want consciousness of the energy and power of sex and love and blood and intense sensation. 

I want health, and I will take care of myself until I have it.  Self love is the key.

I want to increase my skills in piercing and as a ka-see-ka, and especially I want to build skills and experience in suspension. 

and I want to always want, to always create and to manifest beauty, love, and safety. 

Blessed Be

Update: here is a link to my friend Justin's blog describing his suspension experience.  Thanks Justin!!
http://londonfaerie.co.uk/2010/08/finding-words/

Death and Dying

So I felt very called to take this class, the Psychology of Death and Dying, and so I did.  And didn't really question it too much.  I thought maybe it would be interesting to study something so familiar with personal experience, and I figured it certainly wouldn't hurt with my career plans for nursing. 
Turns out I will have no less than 5 opportunities to share with the class including my first awareness of death, an interview with someone who is facing a life-threatening illness, and the kicker...a personal story about someone close to us who has died.  The others are only a few minutes, but the story can be 5 or it can be 25, and it can be a simple verbal telling or it can be powerpoint or pictures or music. 

Someone bring the Kleenex, eh?

So not only am I going to be able to visit the county medical examiner's office, the mortuary science building, and hear from a holocaust survivor, I also get to process some of my own shit, AND I get to practice this talking in front of the class thing.  (TGFklonopin) ;)

wow.

gotta learn how to scan some photos of my Dad...it will help me tell the story.

Detection of MLV-related virus gene sequences in blood of patients with chronic fatigue syndrome and healthy blood donors — PNAS

Detection of MLV-related virus gene sequences in blood of patients with chronic fatigue syndrome and healthy blood donors — PNAS

Lessons Learned

I am a piercer.
A quiet, peaceful, and gentle experience can be more powerful and more transformative than some of the most noisy and painful ones.

My relationship with my Dad has been closer and more authentic since he passed on than it ever was when he was on this plane. But I still miss him.

Worrying about whether or not my legs are going to support the rest of my body is pretty silly when I've got wings.

I feel loved when I can share healthy food with loved ones.
There are no endings or beginnings, only change and transition. Love makes it all go more smoothly.

I really do like disco.

ME/CFS News

"ME-CFSCommunity.com

A message to all members of ME-CFSCommunity.com
The link between the retrovirus XMRV and ME/CFS has been confirmed by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration according to two of the RENO scientists who discovered the link.

Dr. Judy Mikovits, one of the lead scientists with the Whittemore Peterson Institute for Neuro-Immune Disease in Reno, said the news is scheduled to be published in September.

'There has been an issue over whether anybody could replicate our study, and it will not only confirm our findings but extend our findings . . ' she said.

Mikovits added that they also have new, unpublished data concerning the retrovirus, XMRV, that could lead to treatment of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.



Visit ME-CFSCommunity.com at: http://cfsknowledgecenter.ning.com/?xg_source=msg_mes_network"