Witness

I spend a lot of time alone. Well, Switch is around a lot, but still, that's different than being able to go out like I used to.

I'm alone a lot because I'm sick on a regular basis. Daily, really.

But how do I tell people this? How do I explain about every symptom that I have and how I might look normal but I'm not. How do I explain that while I can push myself through something I pay for it, dearly. For days.

I want my loved ones to know what my life is like, but I don't want to feel needy. But sometimes I am in need.

I want to be Seen for who I am and I think that's a pretty normal desire. But it seems that the only people who know me are the ones who have seen me sick. The people who have watched me crash, witnessed a toxic reaction, seen me break down in tears with exhaustion, or have an anxiety attack. My roommate who sees what my daily living does to me, how I forget about or am not up to taking care of a lot of things around the house. My friend with whom I have travelled who knows that I need a nap in the middle of the day , who helped me up when my legs gave out on me, who drove me home when I was too ill be even be upright.

But is this really me?  Who am I. I know I am not my body, and I know I am not this illness. The illness is in the body. The body is sick, *I* am not sick. And that's a big difference. What is so insidious is the interwoven neurological symptoms that limit my social activities and the terrible emotional lability like depression, anxiety and weepiness. Those are the symptoms that are most challenging to me. I can separate my Spirit/Self from my body, but I have a hard time separating my emotions and my thinking.

The hardest parts are the feelings of fear- how am I going to take care of myself if I can't work full time (and school?) The loss- I remember all the things I used to be able to do, I remember the friends I used to have. The loneliness- so much time is spent at home in bed. The anxiety- what about the future, is my health going to get worse? How am I going to pay my bills?

And yet...who am I who doesn't feel Seen or Known unless the illness is witnessed. Am I identifying too much with the sickness?

How can someone know me if they don't know my challenges. How can someone understand me if they don't understand this illness that challenges me every minute of every day.

And how do I let myself be known?

Random thoughts and a brief catch-up

I've done it again, and during the busiest month I've had in a long time. This week is the last week of classes and finals are the week after. I was holding on and doing about average with my health then I had to do 5 1/2 hours of massage on Thursday. I was falling asleep by noon, found 15 minutes to nap in the car on the way to a clients house, and was done around 5...that was approximately an 8 hour day. Yesterday, Friday, my arms were so sore I was worried about the clutch and brake on the bike, but I had to get to school. I pushed myself again because I needed to get errands done and today I'm a frickin' mess. My body is so sore the NSAIDs aren't touching it. My back is sore from throwing my leg over the bike, my arms feel rubbery and heavy, and mentally I feel like I'm in a daze. Home feels ok, but when I went out it was like there was a weirdly familiar illusory environment around me.

So yea, I guess I can work an 8 hour day ( used to do 8 hours of massage and 10 hour days, just for the record) but then I need a few days to recover from it.
Yea, I rarely miss class because of illness, but I'd like to see how most other people handle class in the state I'm regularly in. My ass might be in the seat but I'm not really present and certainly not absorbing a thing the instructor is saying. I have to go home and teach everything to myself anyway. I've been in a daze for about half the time I've spent in class this semester. How is this a good thing to be doing to myself? How am I supposed to be able to work a full time job ever again? At least in class I can zone out, and sitting isn't very strenuous, but I can't do that at a job.

My move is coming up quickly. I just got another AWESOME offer for a place to live that is out of my price range. I'm sorry to have to turn it down cuz it would be a great arrangement. I beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to find the right place.

I need to feel safe where I live. I need to know it's safe for me to spend a lot of time at home and sometimes days at a time in bed. I need to know that Switch is safe and will be cared for my a roommate if I'm out of town.

I wonder how I'm going to make it in San Francisco. I really need a miracle. I need a break. I don't have the strength to work full time, let alone school or a second job to pay crazy high rent. I'm scared about my health getting worse and not being able to apply for disability. (and even if I could my income has been so low that I wouldn't receive enough to survive and I don't' have health insurance to get tests that would be required for disability anyway) Sometimes I wonder what the hell I've been thinking. All I can do is trust Universe that I'm doing the right thing and that I will get the answers I need in time. I don't know another way to roll.

So that's where I am now. My birthday is this week, I've got 2 tests and two papers due, then finals next week. Then it's the last week at my job and then I have to frickin' pack up and go. Holy sh*t!