Witness

I spend a lot of time alone. Well, Switch is around a lot, but still, that's different than being able to go out like I used to.

I'm alone a lot because I'm sick on a regular basis. Daily, really.

But how do I tell people this? How do I explain about every symptom that I have and how I might look normal but I'm not. How do I explain that while I can push myself through something I pay for it, dearly. For days.

I want my loved ones to know what my life is like, but I don't want to feel needy. But sometimes I am in need.

I want to be Seen for who I am and I think that's a pretty normal desire. But it seems that the only people who know me are the ones who have seen me sick. The people who have watched me crash, witnessed a toxic reaction, seen me break down in tears with exhaustion, or have an anxiety attack. My roommate who sees what my daily living does to me, how I forget about or am not up to taking care of a lot of things around the house. My friend with whom I have travelled who knows that I need a nap in the middle of the day , who helped me up when my legs gave out on me, who drove me home when I was too ill be even be upright.

But is this really me?  Who am I. I know I am not my body, and I know I am not this illness. The illness is in the body. The body is sick, *I* am not sick. And that's a big difference. What is so insidious is the interwoven neurological symptoms that limit my social activities and the terrible emotional lability like depression, anxiety and weepiness. Those are the symptoms that are most challenging to me. I can separate my Spirit/Self from my body, but I have a hard time separating my emotions and my thinking.

The hardest parts are the feelings of fear- how am I going to take care of myself if I can't work full time (and school?) The loss- I remember all the things I used to be able to do, I remember the friends I used to have. The loneliness- so much time is spent at home in bed. The anxiety- what about the future, is my health going to get worse? How am I going to pay my bills?

And yet...who am I who doesn't feel Seen or Known unless the illness is witnessed. Am I identifying too much with the sickness?

How can someone know me if they don't know my challenges. How can someone understand me if they don't understand this illness that challenges me every minute of every day.

And how do I let myself be known?