Rain, rain come again, go away some other day...

Blessed Full Moon and grateful rainfall. 

I feel more refreshed in Spirit than I have in days.  I think I've finally realized that I've been a little depressed.  (smacks forehead, doh!) yea, right?  duh.  I'm sick, I feel like crap a lot, and I'm learning that I can't do what I used to do, and I'm worried that I won't be able to do things I want to do in the future. That's a scary place to be.  Add that all to dealing with a disappointing diagnosis...and for some of you who may read this and not know this...the same diagnosis my mom had...and she died at 56.  So yeah, this is a lot to process.  It's ok if it's taking me some time.  It's ok if I feel scared and worried right now.  It won't last.  ;)  It never does.

I am in Goddess' hands.  I am dedicated to Her service, and if part of that service is healing myself, then that's what I will do.  I find such comfort and peace in Her arms.

As one who has learned the way of the flesh, I understand that physical pain and challenges, (emotional too) are some of the ways to connect with Spirit.  I know that through ordeal, I grow.  I am stronger for having survived.  I am not a one-lifer, I believe that my Spirit has inhabited many physical forms over many lifetimes.  This belief system has continually brought me comfort and it is again.  I am coming to view this lifetime, in part at least, as an ordeal life.  A lifetime that provides me continual and consistant opportunities for Connection.  I also hold the belief that I chose this path before my Spirit was born into this particular body suit, and so there is no blame towards someone else, no sense of punishment from a diety...only a sincere desire for love, for life, for experiences, for growth, for reconnection to Source and All that is.

Sometimes when I ride...and when engaging in other types of "peak experiences" I have found myself chanting "no matter what, I have had/felt this." It releases attachment to any outcome and offers gratitude for the present. 

No matter the broken heart for I will have loved
No matter the end of this lifetime, for I will have *lived*
No matter the physical pain, I will have felt pleasure and sensation
No matter the sadness, I have felt great joy.
No matter the grief or loss, because I have already felt the comfort of presence and having

Nothing really matters, anyone can see
Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters....to me.

Any way the wind blows.......

Murugan - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Murugan - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Such a great page!! I was researching tattoos (for myself) and followed some curious links. this page must be pretty new because it wasn't there when did a lot of piercing research before.

Letting Go of Coffee

So I made it out to a coffee in Tempe this evening.  I like going, and I'm slowly meeting the regulars.  I had to come home from work and nap for about 90 minutes before I could even decide if Iwas going to go.  Thankfully I didn't ride the bike, although in retrospect I'd have been fine with the weather, I ended up feeling worse than I had anticipated. 

This was definitely an example of how my social needs outweighed my needs to be home and rest.  I felt alright until I got out of the car at the coffeeshop, but my body told me immediately that I needed to take it slowly.  I mostly sat in one place and didn't greet a lot of folks cause I was wobbly on my feet. I sat and let people come to me. 

Part of me feels like I would have been happier not going out, as I am sometimes uncomfortable with people knowing I don't feel well.  I'm used to grinning and making it through because that's what needs doing.  I'd rather people not know...but I also get lonely when I'm home alone resting all the time.  And I've been having trouble lately with there being more smoke in the house, feeling like I'm shut in with the A/C and the smoke and I can't get away from it. And so I go out, even when I'm not feeling great.  Physical and mental rest are only some of my personal needs. And I think it's normal to want balance.

I felt as though my world was moving more slowly than than everyone else's.  And really?  I'm doing so much better on average right now than I was earlier this year.  But it seems that the more I slow down, the more aware I am of my needs moment by moment, the more I need to rest.  The more I realize that I've been running on empty for a long time.  And the more connected to Source I feel.  The sicker I am, the better I feel.  Yes.

Yes, I'm working with chronic illness (number 2) and at the moment I'm doing a  lot of accepting of the situation, but once I make it through the acceptance phase I think I'll be more, umm, accepting? I feel resistance because I feel loss.  I feel frustration (when I have the energy to actually feel frustration) because my world keeps changing, limits change from day to day, challenges are new and different. Desires and drives change too.  Mostly for the better, for quality rather than quantity, for value and comfort.  Good stuff.

There is only this moment. And there is only what I feel in this moment, right now.  It's only when I worry about what I used to be able to do, or worry about not being able to do something in the future that I want to do, that I feel resistance.

to the moment

now.

breathe.

let

go

Rain smells like horse poop

I got out for a ride on the bike this evening.  I only went about 15 miles, but it was good to be out.  She needed riding as much as I needed to ride.  The air in the tires got toped off and I got to try my new yellow tint night riding goggles and vented nylon topped leather gloves.  My hands were actually quite cool.  :) Sometimes I think that if I don't practice regularly then I'm going to let the fear get to me.  Fear that I'm not going to be able to ride again, or fear that I'll forget how to ride and I'll have an accident. Or that I'll forget how to lean or to trust the tires.

For the whole ride I was hyper aware of the smells around me.  The fuel she was burning, the rubber on the asphalt, the other vehicles, the stagnant pond, the smell of water in someone backyard or pool...or maybe it was one of the fake lakes.  And I could smell someone grilling dead cow.  Did you know it smells different than grilling other animal flesh? But most of all I could smell horse poop.  This was a fascinating effect of weather coming in that happened in Colorado too.  When a storm front was moving in we'd say that it must be going to rain 'cause it "smelled like Greeley" (a small town north of Denver with U of Northern CO...and it was farm country.)  Somehow the smell of poop in the air was all around me this evening.  And what was most fascinating to me was that everyone around me had their windows rolled up tight and the A/C blasting.  It was over 100 degrees out.  On my circle back to the house I could see some rain falling maybe 20 miles southwest of where I live.  I haven't seen any yet, although my car has...just enough to pick up dust.  yuck.

I'm feeling a bit better this week, although I'm beginning to realize how much work it will be to be piercing team lead as well as supplies team lead for the Dance of Souls.  At least I have hope that I'll get a comp for the event...that I wouldn't miss anyway.

So much going on...must get back to email and stuffs.  Either I feel like crap and I'm not up to stringing words together, or I feel good and I'm doing all this other stuff so I don't have a lot of time to write.  But at least I'm writing.

Better

Resting and illness brings introspection.  I learn exactly what I am capable of, and what I am not.  I spend a lot of time with myself and I am grateful that I like me. I've rested and napped on and off today, working a little in between and actually getting a lot of stuff done.  Most things on my to-do list I could easly complete here on the computer, and everything else I did in small doses.

I did some planning for the ball gown, picked up my personal space, inventoried my personal hook stocks, read my book, hung up clean clothes, cleaned and sterilized stuff from last week, voted for Pantheon of Leather, started the spreadsheet for food needs, drafted the letter to the DoS piercing team, preped for the meeting Tuesday night, and a few other things. 

I was trying on a corset that I shrunk out of, gave to my roommate, then she lost weight as I gained some back, and now I can put it on again but it's still too big on me.  While I was trying it on myself I pinched my median nerve at the carpal tunnel in my left hand.  Not good, but not terrible.  I've done it before.  I've got a little bit of numbness, reduced grip and reduced ROM.  I've iced it and I'll sleep with it wrapped lightly, mostly so I don't bend it at night.  The nice thing was that the corset felt super good. I wish I had one that fit better.  Maybe soonish.

I've changed my desktop on my computer from a picture of Lucy (the bike) to a picture of a MacBook Pro. I've been manifesting and visualizing and desiring for about a year, and I think that's long enough.  It'll happen soon.

I've made plans to assist during at least one suspension this summer and I'm super excited about it.  I've been interested in mentorship to learn ritual suspension for a couple years now, and I've had positive responses to my requests, but no opportunities.  It looks like I'll be assisting with a horizontal prone with about 24-26 hooks so hopefully I'll have a chance to do some of the piercing.  I'm quite picky about who I learn from...and only the best, IMO, will do.  If I am to claim mentorship and training proudly, as I do with my training in ritual hook and ball piercing, then I must be proud of my teachers.  I have waited for the chance, and it will be here soon. diggin' it, yeah baby.

I'll be flying myself again this year, another 4 hooks in the back.  I know what it will do to my body from my previous experiences, and I need to keep something the same as my body changes.  And this is a chance to complete a circle of healing, growth, and change as I'll be going up with E again. I need to put some time in meditation and reflection around this ritual.  Maybe next year I'll feel more up to doing a pectoral...which I know I'll do someday.  There's time.

Abraham-Hicks, Money, and Macbooks

Many people protest when we explain to them the power of telling the story of their finances as they want it to be rather than as it is, because they believe that they should be factual about what is happening. But if you continue to look at lackful what-is and speak of what-is, you will not find the improvement that you desire. If you want to effect substantial change in your life experience, you must think thoughts that feel different as you think them.

--- Abraham
Excerpted from the book "Money and the Law of Attraction: Learning to Attract Health, Wealth and Happiness" #503
Our Love,
Jerry and Esther

So I'm in the market for a new computer.  The drive on this one is bad.  I knew I needed a new one last fall, and I passed it up again in the spring.  I was waiting until I could have what I really really want, and that's a Macbook.  I spent over an hour on the phone with Sir, going over all my options an docming to a decision that I feel good about.  Yes, it's expensive, but it's the best quality.  And I believe that I deserve the best.  He says it'll last me 5 years easy.   Sure I could get a PC for $500 that would do the job, it would get me through, but I'd need to replace it in 2 or 3 years.  And you know what?  I'll say it again.  I deserve the best computer that my money can buy.
A few thoughts on this:
I don't watch tv, except for the occasional movie late at night, the computer is my primary entertainment, my primary way that I communicate with the world, it's the main tool for school and classes, and I need something I can take to class with me. The Macbook I'm going to order weighs less than 5 lbs, this one is almost 12 lbs.  That makes a big difference when I've already got 30 lbs of books and notebooks in my pack.  When I'm home and feeling sick, which seems to be fairly often these days, the computer is how I can connect with the world, it's how I can interact and maintain relationships without it taking too much out of me.  This is important.
And I am also believing that I deserve the best.  I deserve to go to a private school, I deserve to be awarded scholarships, I deserve to have love, I deserve health, I deserve my motorcycle, I deserve it simply because I am a child of the Universe. There is unlimited abundance.  And I will have enough to do what I am here to do.

And yesterday I was talking to a friend who asked what kind of computer I was was planning on buying.  I explained about how I've been interested in a Macbook, and how my friend talked with me to help me find the best deal, $100 off MSRP, no sales tax and free shipping.  She asked how much it was going to cost.  And when I told her she gave me the look.  The look that says she so totally doesn't agree with something but she's not willing to speak her thoughts and she doesn't want to get into it. She nods her head and gives a half smile.  Then she askes questions about how I am going to afford it, and aren't I depending on the financial aid money to live on and etc etc.  Then she goes on to say things like yeah, I might need a new computer but *I* don't need something that nice, *I* have limited funds, you know, *I* only have so much money to work with and so *I* have to watch every dollar. 

I felt so judged.  I felt like she was impressing her standards, her life views, her choices and beliefs about money onto me.  and it hurt.  because I care about this person.  but I've learned that she has chosen to limit herself, like many of us do I don't mean to exclude myself at all, but I've learned that she limits herself. specifically about money and abundance..and I won't let her limit me.  Not ok.

So I've been watching how much I listened to her beliefs, and I was questioning my own.  Because her beliefs are quite similar to how I was raised...those very type of thoughts that I have been working so hard to change over the past few years.  It was so easy to slip back into old thought patterns, comfortable.  But even though part of me wanted to believe her, I simply waited. Waited until I felt up to articulating my thoughts.

I tell my story as I want it to be.  I will think thoughts that feel different from how I used to think about money.  There is unlimited abundance and therefore I can and will have all that I ask, and all that I desire.  I will not settle for something less than, I deserve the best. 

I will buy the MacBook. 

A Touch of Grey

I feel depressed today, and I know it's because I don't feel well. So I'm not getting too hung up on it. Or, shall we say, too angsty about it. I'm learning about new limits.  and they keep changing.  the limits, I mean. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting better at predicting what I'll be able to do and manage day to day, and then something new comes up, and I'm taken by surprise.  I am thankful that I did my title year before all this cause I don't know how I'd make it through a weekend event at the moment.

The heat is oppressive and it's slowing me down more, as it is all of us. I remind myself that this is my last Phoenix summer.  So let it be, eh?

I feel sad. and worried.  and when I'm worried I tend to waste energy that is so very precious to me. I am worried about not having health care, about increased cancer risk, about having a swollen spleen, about the meds I'm taking affecting my liver,I'm worried about school and if I can make it through, I worry that I won't be able to follow through with what I said I will do, I'm worried sometimes that I am unlovable.
Yes, I do.  I worry sometimes. but it's just worry.  and it will end.

And then I remember that I am taking care of myself because I love me.  I come first. And I remember that there are people who love me, and I am lucky enough to be reminded of that daily. 

I don't feel well and I feel like I have a lot to do.  Overwhelmed.

and so I bring it home, to the right now. I do the next right thing. and usually that means rest.

Until then I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

Yosemite July 4th weekend, 2010

Abraham-Hicks

"Every religion on the planet, and there are so many more than you are even aware of, has the potential of absolute thriving. But when you think that you must prove that you have the only one that is right—and you use your condemnation to push against the others—your condemnation separates you from your own Connection that, before your condemnation, you were finding in your own religion.

--- Abraham"

Recovery

It went fabulously :)
and I'm frickin' wiped out.

but after a good long day of rest and recovery I'm finally feeling like myself again.  mostly.

My body hit a wall about halfway through the dance yesterday.  I haven't belly danced in months, and this was a chance for me to move my body, and I did.  and it told me when to stop. I was able to keep it together to follow through with watching the dance, but I had to ask bruce to finish the ritual.  I am so grateful he was able to find the words and had the presence of mind to do it so brilliantly.

I was in tears at the end of the evening but I know it was a lot of processing on top of exhaustion. Emotional lability, sensory overload, sore body.

Even this morning after some good sleep I was still pretty weepy when a friend checked in with me.  I've spent the day in bed only venturing out for the bathroom, food, and to bring the piercing supplies in from the car.  Except for my sore muscles I feel pretty well recovered. and the muscle stuff usually lasts for days.

Hm.  I feel distracted.  Not fully here while I'm writing this.  I still have a lots of thoughts about the dance that I need to process.  but first...

I had my Dr appt. of Friday.  She just doesn't know what to do with me.  And I think she's a bit uncomfortable about it.  It's ok, there's not a lot to do.  At least she's able to say that to me.  but for the first time I felt like I was shuffled out of her office.  I felt validated though, and that's a big step.  She agreed that my description of my muscle symptoms post exercise/use was unusual.  I know this, but it helps to have the Dr agree.  And when I described my spleenic pain and discomfort she agreed with the conclusion as well.  She upped my thyroid medication by half so we'll see if that helps a bit.  It seems that while my blood levels are normal-ish, my muscles are not using it efficiently.  She also suggested that I limit any exercise or more strenuous activity to about 15 minutes at a time.  Basically I'm going to continue to be aware of my limitations and make decisions in the moment based on how I am feeling and how well I have rested, but now I have some 'official' guidance and restriction recommendations. or something.  I am being treated for chronic viral infection. 

I think what my doc would be great at doing is helping someone who has been diagnosed by an MD and not offered any assistance, someone who wanted to make a move to natural health, perhaps to try to get off of drugs and prescriptions.  I'm already there.  I already know that I feel best on a mostly vegan diet, I know I am better when I rest, when I don't ingest toxins.  I already know how to figure out how to feed my body.  I can do research on the internet, I can learn how to help myself. 

What this doesn't get me yet is an official diagnosis that would be recognized by my school.  I'm not sure what I want.  Or what I need.  But I have a feeling that documentation might be helpful in the future.  At least I have a copy of the positive blood test.

For now, back to resting.  Maybe a book, then another good night's sleep.  I think I'll be back to my normal-ish self tomorrow.  Good thing too, gotta busy busy work week. 

Stuff on the horizon:
meeting with O, debrief event, divide up leftover piercing supplies.
meet next week with O, b, and MB to get moving on DoS stuff.  (letter, team, supplies, etc.)
read judge stuff for Pantheon, vote by the end of the month
get on with planning special food needs for family reunion/retreat in aug
essay for USF application!!
computer purchase....I'm dreaming of a white....macbook.
financial aid...I still haven't been approved.  Haven't heard anything from school, in fact.

randomness and processing

overwhelming joy
aching sadness
emotional
crash
control
power, personal
manipura
keeping my shit together
support
process and confusion
exhaustion
understanding bliss
rhythm and heartbeat
honor mentorship
soreness
loss despair empty
spinning
share love heart
food
pineapple
hunger
organization
responsibility
tribe
over the rainbow
murugan
switch
sad
process
process
process
balance
love

Breath

I have it.  Deeply felt and filling.  I am loved.  There is an edge though, sometimes raw, vulnerable, and exposed, but so very real. The more I have felt the pain of loss and grief, then the more capacity I have to love.  I remember this as I give thanks for the pain and discomfort of grief.  I remember that in service and surrender there is pain and there is love and that it is all the same.  And that it's natural for this to be confusing to the rational mind, and so I let the rational go and allow the emotional to BE. 

I haven't had much time lately to write as much as I'd like and I know that's a common statement. But when life gets busy there is more to write about and less time to do so.

My health has been a bit better even with all the work I've been doing.  I'm making it.  This is good.
I have been learning and growing as MO and I have worked together to develop this presentation and to produce this event.  I feel blessed for the experience and I know I am on my path.

I started my application to USF and when I have a few minutes to visualize I get pretty darn excited.  I'm forming other back-up school plans as well, but they all seem to include waiting a year and taking a few more classes at a CA CC.  The state schools require state residency for application to nursing programs.  CCs don't.  Either way, my move next May is on. :) As I continue to develop relationships here I am more aware of what I will miss.  And the pull to be with my Tribe is stronger.  I think an essential part of this process IS feeling comfort with living here.  When all I felt was distance from the community and dislike of the desert, then all I felt was 'stuck.' And now that I've reached more comfort with the now, relationships with people and motorcycles that would make life here pretty darn good, the possibility and certainty of moving forward and relocating to SF is more real.

I'm back in therapy with the lady I was seeing for most of last year.  I'm only going to go every other week and I'm taking one appt at a time to see how I feel about it all.  I've come so far, and while I like therapy, it's pretty expensive even at the reduced sliding scale rate I have.  I'm a work in progress. :)

I need a new computer.  My drive has been Dx as "bad" and it seems pretty unstable.  However, after a handful of days at the bosses house feeding the cat the computer seems to be running just fine.  I understand that there is an issue with the wireless router at home.  My guess is that it's old and isn't fast enough to keep up with my computer wanting to stream video.  I don't know a lot about routers, but I know that lots of folks have had streaming issues due to the volume of data.  I really want a macbook and I'm saving up for one.  I was going to purchase one as soon as loan money came through for the fall semester, but since the drive is bad I've decided that if I can do it earlier I will.  I'm torn because for $4-500 I can get a pc that will do what I need it to do.  But it's not what I want.  I want something of quality, and I deserve it.  *believing* I deserve quality is also what has led me to the decision to apply to private universities.  And so why would I change that now.  It's an evolving situation and I'll make a decision when I have to.  At the moment I need more cash set aside.  Until then, it's all theory anyway.

I have a Dr appt today with my naturopath.  She's the doc who ordered the blood test that came back positive, but who hasn't done anything with me since.  I'm going officially for a thyroid and allergy check up, but I need to get some more advice from her.  I've put a lot of effort into finding health coverage, and nothing has come through.  The discount plan I found has been unresponsive...perhaps I need to move into call them everyday and make a nuisance of myself-mode.  We'll see how it all goes. It's been 4 months since the positive test and besides a lot of research and personal self-care, nothing has happened to move me any farther forward towards a diagnosis. 

Maybe later I'll have a few pics from Yosemite uploaded.  In the meantime they're all on my facebook.  It was beautiful and I can't wait to go back.  I had a wonderful time with my friend tommy who took very good care of me all weekend. 

Love and blessings.  May all beings be happy.