Breath

I have it.  Deeply felt and filling.  I am loved.  There is an edge though, sometimes raw, vulnerable, and exposed, but so very real. The more I have felt the pain of loss and grief, then the more capacity I have to love.  I remember this as I give thanks for the pain and discomfort of grief.  I remember that in service and surrender there is pain and there is love and that it is all the same.  And that it's natural for this to be confusing to the rational mind, and so I let the rational go and allow the emotional to BE. 

I haven't had much time lately to write as much as I'd like and I know that's a common statement. But when life gets busy there is more to write about and less time to do so.

My health has been a bit better even with all the work I've been doing.  I'm making it.  This is good.
I have been learning and growing as MO and I have worked together to develop this presentation and to produce this event.  I feel blessed for the experience and I know I am on my path.

I started my application to USF and when I have a few minutes to visualize I get pretty darn excited.  I'm forming other back-up school plans as well, but they all seem to include waiting a year and taking a few more classes at a CA CC.  The state schools require state residency for application to nursing programs.  CCs don't.  Either way, my move next May is on. :) As I continue to develop relationships here I am more aware of what I will miss.  And the pull to be with my Tribe is stronger.  I think an essential part of this process IS feeling comfort with living here.  When all I felt was distance from the community and dislike of the desert, then all I felt was 'stuck.' And now that I've reached more comfort with the now, relationships with people and motorcycles that would make life here pretty darn good, the possibility and certainty of moving forward and relocating to SF is more real.

I'm back in therapy with the lady I was seeing for most of last year.  I'm only going to go every other week and I'm taking one appt at a time to see how I feel about it all.  I've come so far, and while I like therapy, it's pretty expensive even at the reduced sliding scale rate I have.  I'm a work in progress. :)

I need a new computer.  My drive has been Dx as "bad" and it seems pretty unstable.  However, after a handful of days at the bosses house feeding the cat the computer seems to be running just fine.  I understand that there is an issue with the wireless router at home.  My guess is that it's old and isn't fast enough to keep up with my computer wanting to stream video.  I don't know a lot about routers, but I know that lots of folks have had streaming issues due to the volume of data.  I really want a macbook and I'm saving up for one.  I was going to purchase one as soon as loan money came through for the fall semester, but since the drive is bad I've decided that if I can do it earlier I will.  I'm torn because for $4-500 I can get a pc that will do what I need it to do.  But it's not what I want.  I want something of quality, and I deserve it.  *believing* I deserve quality is also what has led me to the decision to apply to private universities.  And so why would I change that now.  It's an evolving situation and I'll make a decision when I have to.  At the moment I need more cash set aside.  Until then, it's all theory anyway.

I have a Dr appt today with my naturopath.  She's the doc who ordered the blood test that came back positive, but who hasn't done anything with me since.  I'm going officially for a thyroid and allergy check up, but I need to get some more advice from her.  I've put a lot of effort into finding health coverage, and nothing has come through.  The discount plan I found has been unresponsive...perhaps I need to move into call them everyday and make a nuisance of myself-mode.  We'll see how it all goes. It's been 4 months since the positive test and besides a lot of research and personal self-care, nothing has happened to move me any farther forward towards a diagnosis. 

Maybe later I'll have a few pics from Yosemite uploaded.  In the meantime they're all on my facebook.  It was beautiful and I can't wait to go back.  I had a wonderful time with my friend tommy who took very good care of me all weekend. 

Love and blessings.  May all beings be happy.