Letting Go of Coffee

So I made it out to a coffee in Tempe this evening.  I like going, and I'm slowly meeting the regulars.  I had to come home from work and nap for about 90 minutes before I could even decide if Iwas going to go.  Thankfully I didn't ride the bike, although in retrospect I'd have been fine with the weather, I ended up feeling worse than I had anticipated. 

This was definitely an example of how my social needs outweighed my needs to be home and rest.  I felt alright until I got out of the car at the coffeeshop, but my body told me immediately that I needed to take it slowly.  I mostly sat in one place and didn't greet a lot of folks cause I was wobbly on my feet. I sat and let people come to me. 

Part of me feels like I would have been happier not going out, as I am sometimes uncomfortable with people knowing I don't feel well.  I'm used to grinning and making it through because that's what needs doing.  I'd rather people not know...but I also get lonely when I'm home alone resting all the time.  And I've been having trouble lately with there being more smoke in the house, feeling like I'm shut in with the A/C and the smoke and I can't get away from it. And so I go out, even when I'm not feeling great.  Physical and mental rest are only some of my personal needs. And I think it's normal to want balance.

I felt as though my world was moving more slowly than than everyone else's.  And really?  I'm doing so much better on average right now than I was earlier this year.  But it seems that the more I slow down, the more aware I am of my needs moment by moment, the more I need to rest.  The more I realize that I've been running on empty for a long time.  And the more connected to Source I feel.  The sicker I am, the better I feel.  Yes.

Yes, I'm working with chronic illness (number 2) and at the moment I'm doing a  lot of accepting of the situation, but once I make it through the acceptance phase I think I'll be more, umm, accepting? I feel resistance because I feel loss.  I feel frustration (when I have the energy to actually feel frustration) because my world keeps changing, limits change from day to day, challenges are new and different. Desires and drives change too.  Mostly for the better, for quality rather than quantity, for value and comfort.  Good stuff.

There is only this moment. And there is only what I feel in this moment, right now.  It's only when I worry about what I used to be able to do, or worry about not being able to do something in the future that I want to do, that I feel resistance.

to the moment

now.

breathe.

let

go