I'm having a tough time right now, on a couple of different levels.
I'm having some kind of relapse again and my symptoms are up while activity is down. This leaves me emotionally drained, weepy, anxious, and depressed along with feeling like total crap. I am managing about 4-5 good-ish hours again before needing a rest...but I have to push it through class for 7 or more. After coming home and napping for almost 2 hours I managed to make myself dinner, take out the trash, and do a load of dishes. Now I'm beat again.
But I got through my school day, and I accomplished some things that seemed manageable. Cause there's certainly enough that doesn't feel manageable at all. Like the paper that is due this week, or studying for my microbiology practical. TG4 spring break.
I'm scared and worried. I wonder if I'm going to make it through school going like I am. I cut my work days down to 2 from 3, and I'm barely making enough even with financial aid. Disability is starting to look like an option and that makes me sad. But I'm not there yet. I'm holding on...and pushing myself...and it seems I can't quite recover from this bigger relapse. For the record, pushing myself makes me sicker. The only thing that helps is rest.
On the financial front...I had set aside a fair amount from my aid this semester as moving money, but half of it is now gone. poof. It's my fault, it went to pay a debt...but I am pissed that they wouldn't even work with me, wouldn't even listen that the money they were taking was from federal loans, didn't care that I only make less than $650 a month, didn't care that I took out that loan because I actually need it to live. But now it's paid and done, and off the plate. One less debt to worry about.
Financial abuse is something that is talked about even less than psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse. It's like everyone knows that if you hit someone it's abuse, or if you practice deprivation or ridicule it's abuse, and people understand the non-consentual sex is abuse...but no one talks about financial abuse. I'm in a lot of trouble now because of my ex, and I'll be digging myself out for a very long time.
And so I've had to rethink my move, and how it's going to happen. There's some things I can probably sell on craigslist or ebay, but it is going to take a fair bit of effort and time, something I'm lacking at the moment. We'll see. But it seems the only answer is to sell my car, something I was hoping to avoid. I'd prefer to keep it, having faith that I'd find a place to live with parking. There will be times when riding the bike won't be feasible, and I'm concerned that I won't have much stamina to do a lot of walking via public transportation. It seems I'm going to find out. There's no other place where I can get a few thousand dollars, nothing else I have that I can sell besides my car to help finance this move. So be it. It's not like I'm staying here in the desert. bleh.
I'm also thinking about going down to part time classes for the next year, assuming I don't get into USF and I'm at City College. But I don't know how much aid I'll be eligible for, and with part time classes that means I'll have to work more. At least the loans I do have will be deferred with at least 1/2 time classes. And there's a motorcycle maintenance class at CCSF too, cool, huh?
I'm also about done with this massage therapy thing. It's too much physical work for not enough money, and the taxes suck big sweaty ass. I don't want to do it for work when I'm in CA. Also because of the level of training and experience I have, an average employer isn't going to be able to pay me anything worth working for. The standards of training there are pitifully low, so employers are accustomed to paying less. If I were to put time and effort into building a practice I'd kick ass, cause I'm good at what I do, but that's not what I want. I'm thinking Whole Foods would be real nice...maybe a medical office front desk or something. We'll see.
I should be hearing from USF soon enough. Probably within the week-ish. Finding out either way would be really cool about now, as I've put certain moving options on hold because I don't know which part of town I'll need to be near, nor what a budget might be. Rent will have to be cheap, no matter where I am. I know I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.
I'm feeling discouraged enough about classes and nursing school right now that I'm considering other majors. Not ready to make changes quite yet, but I want to consider options. Right now, although a couple options are on the table, a psych major seems to be in the lead. Maybe there's some programs that are more science based, I have no idea. Just thinking.
I'll also have to do some research into health care. I doubt I'll be able to get medicare unless I make a try for disability. And if I go with the disability option there's not a nursing school that will take me. Even though I'll only need help for a couple of years. Such a small thing, a little help while I get through school and then can support myself again. That's all I ask. And according to social security, if by some chance I'd ever get approved for disability (which is hard without there being a definitive test for ME/CFS, and without health insurance to pay for testing or care) the amount I'd get would put me at poverty level. Not good. I just need a little help while I'm in school, that's not too much to ask, is it?
So frustrating. I'm doing everything I can right now to get ahead, and school is so important to me. But what to do in the meantime? How do I live and make the bills, and get through my day? I don't know the answers.
Good thing I'm not in charge, eh?
Alright, off to bed with me.
