TUT... A Note from the Universe: "Dare not wish to change even the slightest thing about a loved one, Lauren, without first understanding how it might change the rest of them.
Keep your eye on the ball,
The Universe"
Monday, May 24, 2010
Let it flow
"Make more decisions in every day. Because a decision is a summoning of life. That's why a little chaos is good for you, because often you don't make a decision until you get yourself in a jam. And then, in the middle of the jam, you make a decision, but that decision summons Life Force. Have you ever been a place where you couldn't quite make up your mind and you just felt sort of limp? 'Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.' And then you decided, and you felt alive again. We want you to know that you'll never get it done. So don't approach this from, 'I gotta get on this' because you're not ever going to get it done, anyway. And the other thing we want you to know is, you cannot get it wrong. So, make a decision. Let it flow.
--- Abraham
Excerpted from the workshop in Larkspur, CA on Sunday, August 16th, 1998 #447
Our Love,
Jerry and Esther"
--- Abraham
Excerpted from the workshop in Larkspur, CA on Sunday, August 16th, 1998 #447
Our Love,
Jerry and Esther"
Let it flow
"Make more decisions in every day. Because a decision is a summoning of life. That's why a little chaos is good for you, because often you don't make a decision until you get yourself in a jam. And then, in the middle of the jam, you make a decision, but that decision summons Life Force. Have you ever been a place where you couldn't quite make up your mind and you just felt sort of limp? 'Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.' And then you decided, and you felt alive again. We want you to know that you'll never get it done. So don't approach this from, 'I gotta get on this' because you're not ever going to get it done, anyway. And the other thing we want you to know is, you cannot get it wrong. So, make a decision. Let it flow.
--- Abraham
Excerpted from the workshop in Larkspur, CA on Sunday, August 16th, 1998 #447
Our Love,
Jerry and Esther"
--- Abraham
Excerpted from the workshop in Larkspur, CA on Sunday, August 16th, 1998 #447
Our Love,
Jerry and Esther"
Kahlil Gibran on Love
Kahlil Gibran on Love
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
Sedona Inspiration
I was allowing the Mother (in this case more locally known as Bell Rock) to cradle and to support me. I felt the heat and light from the sun, the wind whipped through me cleansing my tired Spirit.
"Drum sound rises on the air, it's throb, my heart. A voice inside the beat says, I know you're tired, but come, this is the way." -Rumi
Sometimes I just need to know that I'm not crazy
As the title states, I need an objective opinion, I need another's point of view. I need to know that what I'm experiencing is real and that it warrants my attention and awareness. Soon, I'll be able to talk to doctors about it and I need to keep up the assertive advocacy to make sure I find out what's going on.
The AHCCCS (medicaid) people have responded to my request for a fair hearing appeal of their decision. Even though I haven't been able to get anyone on the phone, either we're playing tag or there's no answer at their end, it seems like that's moving forward. When there was no answer at the 24 hour automated number (yes, you read that right) I checked the website. I discovered that there was a second application that had been started but not submitted, and was dated last Thursday. I finished the online app and submitted it...and we'll see what happens next.
In the meantime the back-up plan that exists for people who make too much for AHCCCS have called asking for proof of citizenship and they are saying that it appears that I am eligible for AHCCCS. I hope they talk to each other. If I can get on AHCCCS it means almost no cost to me, but it also means I'm limited in income. I can't make much more than I'm making now or I'll lose benefits. Silly, really, but it's true.
But right now the priority is getting in to see a Doc to get checked out. I have a new symptom...or maybe it's a different expression of an old one.
I fell on Saturday at the wedding. And it freaked me out. My leg crumpled beneath me and the next thing I knew I was on the ground, then my friends helping me into a chair. I didn't know what to do. They asked me what I needed and what happened and I couldn't tell them.
I was asked by the happy couple to jump in and help sage some of the guests and then to wait by the edge of the clearing where the ceremony was to smudge the three daughters and then the two of them. I was honored to be asked to be a part of their ceremony. I was squating down to reach the lower parts of peoples bodies as I drew the smoke around them with the feather. After approximately 10 people I felt my quads start to cramp up and get sore. The rest of the people I bent at the waist and did the best I could. By the time I was waiting for the wedding party to come through I could tell I was unsteady on my feet. I was in heels, and I'm sure that contributed to the issue, but it wasn't the cause. I leaned up agaist a railing as I waited for them, cleaned the girls and my friends, then handed off the sage and the feather and went to find my seat. My legs felt a bit wobbly and I was grateful to sit during the ceremony.
After the ceremony which lasted about 15-20 minutes or so, guests began to stand and the mingling commenced. I stood and turned to greet a few friends who had come in late and the next thing I knew I was on the ground.
I was able to get myself into a chair and I stayed there for several minutes. My girlfriend I attnded with stayed nearby to make sure I was ok. Another asked if she needed to get a couple of able bodied folks to help me up.
I remember thinking to myself that there's nothing I can do about this right now, I'm not going to freak out, this is *their* day and I don't want to draw attention. I took off my heels hoping it would help me steady myself, and sore feet made for a good excuse to make it up to the car for sturdier shoes. My legs were quite wobbly, my quads feeling like I'd severely over worked them. They felt just like PEMS...post exercise muscle soreness....except this soreness came on almost immediately. And unlike PEMS when the muscle aches to the touch and feels painful to be used...my muscle would cramp up into knots and give out.
I balanced and slowly made my way back to the car with my girlfriend escorting me just in case. I found that if I used th muscles in my legs differently I could walk just fine....although it might look a little funny to someone who knows anything able gait analysis. I learned how much tension my quads could take and I learned quickly to transfer force to other muscles. Stabilizer muscles in my left ankle also seem to be affected.
I pounded 4 vitamin waters and a smart water over two days, I rested my legs, I took a warm bath. I've stayed on NSAIDS like I usually do. Last night I even slept quite well and I was hoping my legs would feel better today. Saturday night my left shoulder also started to ache...although this is very minor compared to my quads. Hammies aren't perfect either.
If you've ever worked out hard enough to have severe PEMS for 3 days...then you have some idea what this feels like...except I didn't work out and it came on within minutes, not the next day. Today it's maybe only 10%better.
I worked today, had two sessions, and as long as I move slowly and consciously I'm alright. If I move too fast I unsteady myself. If I let my mind wander and my quads take tension they are more accustomed to taking, I wobble and need to steady myself.
I was really really hoping I'd get back to dance class, and I signed up for this yoga class too. But if something as simple as almost squatting a handful of times has left me feeling like this, it would seem I have no business bellydancing. I'm saddened by this. I hope I'm feeling better by Wednesday because I want to try the yoga class.
I'm also entertaining the idea of changing my major. I feel sadness about this too. But truly...if I can't keep myself on my own two feet, what business do I have trying to help someone else do this? How can I think I can work a 12 hour clinical if 15 minutes of muscle work leaves me sore for 3 days? The pace of nursing school has me a bit concerned. Maybe a program that I can take at my own pace (within reason) is more appropriate for me. I don't know.
And that's why I need to see a Dr. soon. I need information. I need to make choices about my future, about transfer schools...about classes to take this fall. In 2 weeks I'll be in SF and if I'm not going to do nursing then I don't need to visit some schools and maybe I'd rather visit others. ack.
All of this reminds me that I'm not in charge. That I need to take one day at a time. One hour at a time, one minute at a time. One task at a time. I will allow this experience to strengthen my faith not threaten it.
I am grateful to be alive. To be in this body, right now. To feel what I feel, and to think what I think...to create what I create, and to love. here and now.
Yes.
The AHCCCS (medicaid) people have responded to my request for a fair hearing appeal of their decision. Even though I haven't been able to get anyone on the phone, either we're playing tag or there's no answer at their end, it seems like that's moving forward. When there was no answer at the 24 hour automated number (yes, you read that right) I checked the website. I discovered that there was a second application that had been started but not submitted, and was dated last Thursday. I finished the online app and submitted it...and we'll see what happens next.
In the meantime the back-up plan that exists for people who make too much for AHCCCS have called asking for proof of citizenship and they are saying that it appears that I am eligible for AHCCCS. I hope they talk to each other. If I can get on AHCCCS it means almost no cost to me, but it also means I'm limited in income. I can't make much more than I'm making now or I'll lose benefits. Silly, really, but it's true.
But right now the priority is getting in to see a Doc to get checked out. I have a new symptom...or maybe it's a different expression of an old one.
I fell on Saturday at the wedding. And it freaked me out. My leg crumpled beneath me and the next thing I knew I was on the ground, then my friends helping me into a chair. I didn't know what to do. They asked me what I needed and what happened and I couldn't tell them.
I was asked by the happy couple to jump in and help sage some of the guests and then to wait by the edge of the clearing where the ceremony was to smudge the three daughters and then the two of them. I was honored to be asked to be a part of their ceremony. I was squating down to reach the lower parts of peoples bodies as I drew the smoke around them with the feather. After approximately 10 people I felt my quads start to cramp up and get sore. The rest of the people I bent at the waist and did the best I could. By the time I was waiting for the wedding party to come through I could tell I was unsteady on my feet. I was in heels, and I'm sure that contributed to the issue, but it wasn't the cause. I leaned up agaist a railing as I waited for them, cleaned the girls and my friends, then handed off the sage and the feather and went to find my seat. My legs felt a bit wobbly and I was grateful to sit during the ceremony.
After the ceremony which lasted about 15-20 minutes or so, guests began to stand and the mingling commenced. I stood and turned to greet a few friends who had come in late and the next thing I knew I was on the ground.
I was able to get myself into a chair and I stayed there for several minutes. My girlfriend I attnded with stayed nearby to make sure I was ok. Another asked if she needed to get a couple of able bodied folks to help me up.
I remember thinking to myself that there's nothing I can do about this right now, I'm not going to freak out, this is *their* day and I don't want to draw attention. I took off my heels hoping it would help me steady myself, and sore feet made for a good excuse to make it up to the car for sturdier shoes. My legs were quite wobbly, my quads feeling like I'd severely over worked them. They felt just like PEMS...post exercise muscle soreness....except this soreness came on almost immediately. And unlike PEMS when the muscle aches to the touch and feels painful to be used...my muscle would cramp up into knots and give out.
I balanced and slowly made my way back to the car with my girlfriend escorting me just in case. I found that if I used th muscles in my legs differently I could walk just fine....although it might look a little funny to someone who knows anything able gait analysis. I learned how much tension my quads could take and I learned quickly to transfer force to other muscles. Stabilizer muscles in my left ankle also seem to be affected.
I pounded 4 vitamin waters and a smart water over two days, I rested my legs, I took a warm bath. I've stayed on NSAIDS like I usually do. Last night I even slept quite well and I was hoping my legs would feel better today. Saturday night my left shoulder also started to ache...although this is very minor compared to my quads. Hammies aren't perfect either.
If you've ever worked out hard enough to have severe PEMS for 3 days...then you have some idea what this feels like...except I didn't work out and it came on within minutes, not the next day. Today it's maybe only 10%better.
I worked today, had two sessions, and as long as I move slowly and consciously I'm alright. If I move too fast I unsteady myself. If I let my mind wander and my quads take tension they are more accustomed to taking, I wobble and need to steady myself.
I was really really hoping I'd get back to dance class, and I signed up for this yoga class too. But if something as simple as almost squatting a handful of times has left me feeling like this, it would seem I have no business bellydancing. I'm saddened by this. I hope I'm feeling better by Wednesday because I want to try the yoga class.
I'm also entertaining the idea of changing my major. I feel sadness about this too. But truly...if I can't keep myself on my own two feet, what business do I have trying to help someone else do this? How can I think I can work a 12 hour clinical if 15 minutes of muscle work leaves me sore for 3 days? The pace of nursing school has me a bit concerned. Maybe a program that I can take at my own pace (within reason) is more appropriate for me. I don't know.
And that's why I need to see a Dr. soon. I need information. I need to make choices about my future, about transfer schools...about classes to take this fall. In 2 weeks I'll be in SF and if I'm not going to do nursing then I don't need to visit some schools and maybe I'd rather visit others. ack.
All of this reminds me that I'm not in charge. That I need to take one day at a time. One hour at a time, one minute at a time. One task at a time. I will allow this experience to strengthen my faith not threaten it.
I am grateful to be alive. To be in this body, right now. To feel what I feel, and to think what I think...to create what I create, and to love. here and now.
Yes.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Canyon Lake, AZ
I took these with my blackberry so don't expect them to be highly detailed photos. It was a wonderful ride. I went into th emountain where I hadn't ridden before. Every ride I feel more confident about handling the bike, more confident as a rider, and more grateful for the entire experience. This reminds me how I felt about th mountains of Colorado. When I arrived there after many years of wanting to be there, I told myself that while I may become accustomed to the mountains, I would never take them for granted. May I never take riding a motorcycle for granted. Thank you Universe.Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Gratitude, Peace, and Letting Go
Such a grand title for what will probably be a common everydayish sort of post. But isn't that what it's all about? Finding gratitude for what IS, peace in the moment, and to be able to let go of attachment every day. I live for now.
Finals are done and I got my first B. It was only one credit so it wasn't weighted very heavily. I came out with a 3.958 GPA. I feel like some of the pressure is off now that I don't have to be perfect. :) I'm doing school so I can get a better job, make more money, do something I love, to be of service to others...but also because I love love love to learn. I dig school now, I like squeezing all this information into my head-even if it hurts sometimes-and I want to know this. And knowing, that's my primary goal. That's what motivates me.
I also terminated with my therapist last Thursday. She was an intern and has since graduated. As I didn't seem to need focused or in depth trauma related work, she and I both agreed that I was best moving on to more general therapy where I can address varied issues like anxiety, past trauma, chronic illness, etc. It was a good ending. I am so grateful for her place in my life and what I learned from the work we did together. ...and it's time to move on.
I appealed the decision for AHCCCS medical care based on my current income. I got a phone call from them but haven't managed to get them on the phone in person yet. We'll see. I applied for the discount medical program too as a back-up. No word yet, but I don't see how I won't qualify for that plan. I have a call into a therapy place that supposedly give 8-12 weeks of "free" therapy. I am hoping to get in there until another option presents itself with medical coverage.
I haven't been on the bike for a few days and I miss it. I've been tired and with H in town I was happily otherwise occupied. Soonish. We drove up to Tortilla Flat on Saturday so I was able to check out the route. It has been a while since I've been up there and it wasn't as steep or curvy as I remember it. I think I can do it on the bike. I only need to pick a day when I'm well rested and there's low traffic, like a weekday morning.
Last week there was a big new moon in Taurus. My horoscope says that it's strong time for new beginnings, and that whatever I decide to put my energy into for the two weeks following the new moon, I will have positive outcome for the next 12 months. So I'm putting into action a plan to take care of myself. Really, it's nothing different that I've been intending to do over summer break, but now I'll do it with more intention. I will rest when I need to rest, I will feed myself good food with reasonable nutritional value and caloric intake. I will move my body as I am able. I will pray. I will nap. I will love. I will look to the future with wonder and joy in possibilities. I will visualize my intentions for the future as if they have already occurred. I will see myself as healthy and vibrant.
I am feeling so pleased and grateful for the time I had with H this past weekend. I admit to some anticipated uneasiness, not anything around him specifically, but around having someone in my space. Over the past few years that I've been healing and in recovery, I've been pretty protective about my personal space and environment. I've shared space with lovers at their home, or at an event or the like, but not in years have I had someone share my bed for 3 consecutive days. And it was quite comfortable for the entire experience. H is a kind, attentive, and sensitive person who was aware of me and my needs...and he does it quite intuitively. At no time did I feel like I was imposed upon, uncomfortable, inconvenienced, or anything like that. He was a fine house guest. We had easy heart-centered conversations about some difficult stuff.
Tomorrow I start a yoga class with a couple of friends. I'm looking forward to it. it will be a slow start to get the body moving again. I think a stretching and gentle movement regimen would be best...but not cardio or weights. Not until I know more about what's going on with me. I've been so restricted to resting these past months and I've been frustrated by it. If I had more energy to spend I'd easily be up and active, but instead waking time that is not booked outside of the house is spent in bed. Not so great for the physical body, and not so great at all for the weight. But I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to be doing for myself. Exertion and exercise make me worse. Yesterday making my way downstairs for lunch was a good chore...but after 3 extra hours of sleep and a couple more hours of rest I was able to make it out to a dentist appt in the early evening. Then it was home and back in bed. Today has been much better and I made it through a day of work.
This has been a rambling and casual catch-up of the last couple of weeks. Very mundane as far as blog entries go. But as I said in the beginning, I all about the IS and the NOW. I let go of the past, I let go of what does not serve me here and how, I offer gratitude for what I have had, for what I now have, for what I will have, and I feel at peace. I am blessed. Thank you, Goddess. I am loved.
Finals are done and I got my first B. It was only one credit so it wasn't weighted very heavily. I came out with a 3.958 GPA. I feel like some of the pressure is off now that I don't have to be perfect. :) I'm doing school so I can get a better job, make more money, do something I love, to be of service to others...but also because I love love love to learn. I dig school now, I like squeezing all this information into my head-even if it hurts sometimes-and I want to know this. And knowing, that's my primary goal. That's what motivates me.
I also terminated with my therapist last Thursday. She was an intern and has since graduated. As I didn't seem to need focused or in depth trauma related work, she and I both agreed that I was best moving on to more general therapy where I can address varied issues like anxiety, past trauma, chronic illness, etc. It was a good ending. I am so grateful for her place in my life and what I learned from the work we did together. ...and it's time to move on.
I appealed the decision for AHCCCS medical care based on my current income. I got a phone call from them but haven't managed to get them on the phone in person yet. We'll see. I applied for the discount medical program too as a back-up. No word yet, but I don't see how I won't qualify for that plan. I have a call into a therapy place that supposedly give 8-12 weeks of "free" therapy. I am hoping to get in there until another option presents itself with medical coverage.
I haven't been on the bike for a few days and I miss it. I've been tired and with H in town I was happily otherwise occupied. Soonish. We drove up to Tortilla Flat on Saturday so I was able to check out the route. It has been a while since I've been up there and it wasn't as steep or curvy as I remember it. I think I can do it on the bike. I only need to pick a day when I'm well rested and there's low traffic, like a weekday morning.
Last week there was a big new moon in Taurus. My horoscope says that it's strong time for new beginnings, and that whatever I decide to put my energy into for the two weeks following the new moon, I will have positive outcome for the next 12 months. So I'm putting into action a plan to take care of myself. Really, it's nothing different that I've been intending to do over summer break, but now I'll do it with more intention. I will rest when I need to rest, I will feed myself good food with reasonable nutritional value and caloric intake. I will move my body as I am able. I will pray. I will nap. I will love. I will look to the future with wonder and joy in possibilities. I will visualize my intentions for the future as if they have already occurred. I will see myself as healthy and vibrant.
I am feeling so pleased and grateful for the time I had with H this past weekend. I admit to some anticipated uneasiness, not anything around him specifically, but around having someone in my space. Over the past few years that I've been healing and in recovery, I've been pretty protective about my personal space and environment. I've shared space with lovers at their home, or at an event or the like, but not in years have I had someone share my bed for 3 consecutive days. And it was quite comfortable for the entire experience. H is a kind, attentive, and sensitive person who was aware of me and my needs...and he does it quite intuitively. At no time did I feel like I was imposed upon, uncomfortable, inconvenienced, or anything like that. He was a fine house guest. We had easy heart-centered conversations about some difficult stuff.
Tomorrow I start a yoga class with a couple of friends. I'm looking forward to it. it will be a slow start to get the body moving again. I think a stretching and gentle movement regimen would be best...but not cardio or weights. Not until I know more about what's going on with me. I've been so restricted to resting these past months and I've been frustrated by it. If I had more energy to spend I'd easily be up and active, but instead waking time that is not booked outside of the house is spent in bed. Not so great for the physical body, and not so great at all for the weight. But I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to be doing for myself. Exertion and exercise make me worse. Yesterday making my way downstairs for lunch was a good chore...but after 3 extra hours of sleep and a couple more hours of rest I was able to make it out to a dentist appt in the early evening. Then it was home and back in bed. Today has been much better and I made it through a day of work.
This has been a rambling and casual catch-up of the last couple of weeks. Very mundane as far as blog entries go. But as I said in the beginning, I all about the IS and the NOW. I let go of the past, I let go of what does not serve me here and how, I offer gratitude for what I have had, for what I now have, for what I will have, and I feel at peace. I am blessed. Thank you, Goddess. I am loved.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Saguaro Lake
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Happy Birthday Wishes from www.tut.com
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday Dear Lauren,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu!
A few years back, not so long ago, heaven and earth erupted into a major celebration with the news of your impending adventure into this very time and space. You see, someone like Lauren Ide doesn't come along all that often. In fact, there's never been a single one like you, nor is there ever ANY possibility that another will come again. You're an Angel among us. Someone, whose eyes see what no others will EVER see, whose ears hear what no others will EVER hear, and whose perspective and feelings will NEVER, ever be duplicated. Without YOU, the Universe, and ALL THAT IS, would be sadly less than it is.
Quite simply:
You're the kind of person, Lauren,
Who's hard to forget,
A one-in-a-million
To the people you've met.
Your friends are as varied
As the places you go,
And they all want to tell you
In case you don't know:
That you make a big difference
In the lives that you touch,
By taking so little
And giving so much!
Lauren, you are so AWESOME! For your birthday, friends and angels from every corner of the Universe, including buddies you didn't know you had, will be with you to wish you the HAPPIEST of days and an exciting new year in time and space. You won't be alone!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Lauren!
Mike Dooley
Orlando, Florida, USA
PS - Lauren, this is going to be YOUR year!!
© TUT ®
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday Dear Lauren,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu!
A few years back, not so long ago, heaven and earth erupted into a major celebration with the news of your impending adventure into this very time and space. You see, someone like Lauren Ide doesn't come along all that often. In fact, there's never been a single one like you, nor is there ever ANY possibility that another will come again. You're an Angel among us. Someone, whose eyes see what no others will EVER see, whose ears hear what no others will EVER hear, and whose perspective and feelings will NEVER, ever be duplicated. Without YOU, the Universe, and ALL THAT IS, would be sadly less than it is.
Quite simply:
You're the kind of person, Lauren,
Who's hard to forget,
A one-in-a-million
To the people you've met.
Your friends are as varied
As the places you go,
And they all want to tell you
In case you don't know:
That you make a big difference
In the lives that you touch,
By taking so little
And giving so much!
Lauren, you are so AWESOME! For your birthday, friends and angels from every corner of the Universe, including buddies you didn't know you had, will be with you to wish you the HAPPIEST of days and an exciting new year in time and space. You won't be alone!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Lauren!
Mike Dooley
Orlando, Florida, USA
PS - Lauren, this is going to be YOUR year!!
© TUT ®
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Wings
"Sometimes I go about pitying myself, and all the time I am being carried on great winds across the sky". -Chippewa saying
I am told often that I look great, that my energy is good, that my field seems bright and clear. I feel much joy when I hear comments like this. It means that my sense of connection to All is healthy and strong even if my physical body is not doing everything I am asking it to do. I *feel* healthy and strong, spiritually. And the better I take care of myself, the more time and effort I put into self-love and self-care, the stronger my sense of connection.
I found a book yesterday at Bookman's that I wasn't looking for, but it was exactly what I needed to find. (thank you) It's called "You Are Not Your Illness" by Linda Noble Topf, M.A., a 25+ year survivor with MS, multiple sclerosis. I have already been applying all my best skills to process this recent health challenge, but it's always good to hear another voice, to not feel so alone. At it's worst the debilitating effects of ME/CFS have been compared to MS, HIV/AIDS, lupus, and RA. There is even some evidence that it is caused by a retrovirus, one of only 3 known human retroviruses.
I am grateful for my body, for the sensations I experience in this life. I am grateful for the bike, Lucy, because when I ride I feel like I have wings that take me up and away from physical limitations. I have such joy and love in my heart. Thank you Goddess. I celebrate you and new life with the gift of a beautiful flower on my altar. Happy Beltane.
I found a book yesterday at Bookman's that I wasn't looking for, but it was exactly what I needed to find. (thank you) It's called "You Are Not Your Illness" by Linda Noble Topf, M.A., a 25+ year survivor with MS, multiple sclerosis. I have already been applying all my best skills to process this recent health challenge, but it's always good to hear another voice, to not feel so alone. At it's worst the debilitating effects of ME/CFS have been compared to MS, HIV/AIDS, lupus, and RA. There is even some evidence that it is caused by a retrovirus, one of only 3 known human retroviruses.
I am grateful for my body, for the sensations I experience in this life. I am grateful for the bike, Lucy, because when I ride I feel like I have wings that take me up and away from physical limitations. I have such joy and love in my heart. Thank you Goddess. I celebrate you and new life with the gift of a beautiful flower on my altar. Happy Beltane.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Embracing Change
I don't know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next so I'm not in the habit of making plans. I get so tired and need to rest I feel some anxiety about travel. This means I'm spending a lot of time by myself in bed. I'm grateful to have Switch around to keep me company. I do make myself go out. I've met with a friend at least once a week this semester, and I do have some interaction at school, work, and with my roommate. but I digress.
I wanted to write about my plan. Yes. A plan for embracing uncertainty and change. Sound like an oxymoron? Perhaps. But I'm a planner. It's only when I am too attached to an outcome that it begins to cause problems. I can plan all I want AND stay flexible. And so I have a bit of a plan for moving forward.
And it starts with establishing a personal space that reflects who I am today, right now. Most of my stuff, the kitch, the decorations, the art...it's all been with me for a while. And some of it will stay. But I feel like I have changed SO much in the past year that some of these things that I am keeping are no longer serving me. By letting go of, or packing away a lot of the things, I am sending the message to Universe that I am ready for new things, new experiences. I am ready for change. I am letting go of my resistance by letting go of physical belongings. Some keepsakes, like the flag from my Dad's funeral, my Mom's geisha dolls, things like that...they're getting packed away, for now. There's some artwork of mine that is older, and that's going away too. A lot of clothes I have I no longer feel reflect who I am, and so I have a huge Goodwill pile. (of course that means I get to do some clothes shopping as soon as I can afford it, grins.) I'm going to go through my toys too, and anything I haven't used in a year is going. Gone or packed away. The garage isn't very far, I can get to it if I want anytime. Especially if I'm organized about the packing.
The next step is deciding what I do choose to keep here in my room. The art will be my work that reflects the process and journey of my recovery and my growth over the past couple of years. Art by other artists will be packed away. The kitchy stuff I choose to leave out will be very specific things, and not stuff that's there because it's always been there. It must have meaning to me today if it stays. My goal is to give this place a cleaner, more refined look. I like a simple look, but I've never been able to achieve it for my own personal space. We'll see how I do. ;) My room is going to be an altar to my life. And it will change to honor and reflect the ME that IS, HERE and NOW.
I think it's time to redo my manifestation board too. I do it every year around the holidays, or other times as needed. and I think this is a good time. So many changes are on the front, so many possibilities, that I need to let Universe know without a doubt what it is that I want most. Yes there are situations occurring that I don't understand...but I still get to ask for what I want at the same time I am accepting what I didn't think I wanted but what is obviously happening and so there must be a reason or a higher purpose.
Spring cleaning is a part of this plan too. And I need to get a move on the work in the garage before it gets too hot to work out there. My bathroom needs a good top to bottom job, and I need to vacuum all the cat hair from under the bed and in other not often used places. All a part of the let go of the old and bring in the new.
Spiritually this is the time of rebirth, of spring, of new flowers, green growing things, blue sky, and new love. Oh, and fucking like bunnies. ;) (I'll get on that just as soon as I can)
And so, by physically letting go of belongings, establishing an altar to my life, creating my personal space, redefining and refining my desires and goals, I am preparing myself for new experiences, changes, I am open to the unexpected, the frightening, the uncomfortable. I am practicing my faith with every action I take, with every choice I make, with my breath, my movement, my thoughts.
I know that I am loved. I know that I am special, that I am worthy. I know that my needs will be met, and that right now Universe is working for me, that pieces are falling into place around me.
I let go of expectations. I live here and now.
I surrender.
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