Embracing Change

I don't know what else to do.  I'm stressed out, primarily about my health, but about school too.  Having to fight and appeal for basic health care has it's moments as well. I've had a constant low grade stress for months and this past week it's escalated to a perpetual knot in my belly.  I'm scared, frightened, uneasy, unsure, unsteady, destabilized, sick, lonely, sad, anxious, and uncomfortable.  (to name a few emotions) And there's only one way I know how to handle all this, and it's better than what I've been doing.  And that's embrace my uncertainty.  Adjust to a feeling of comfort in uncertainty. ....and Pray. One Day at a Time.  Let Go.

I don't know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next so I'm not in the habit of making plans.  I get so tired and need to rest I feel some anxiety about travel.  This means I'm spending a lot of time by myself in bed.  I'm grateful to have Switch around to keep me company. I do make myself go out.  I've met with a friend at least once a week this semester, and I do have some interaction at school, work, and with my roommate.  but I digress.

I wanted to write about my plan.  Yes.  A plan for embracing uncertainty and change.  Sound like an oxymoron?  Perhaps.  But I'm a planner.  It's only when I am too attached to an outcome that it begins to cause problems.  I can plan all I want AND stay flexible.  And so I have a bit of a plan for moving forward. 

And it starts with establishing a personal space that reflects who I am today, right now.  Most of my stuff, the kitch, the decorations, the art...it's all been with me for a while.  And some of it will stay.  But I feel like I have changed SO much in the past year that some of these things that I am keeping are no longer serving me.  By letting go of, or packing away a lot of the things, I am sending the message to Universe that I am ready for new things, new experiences. I am ready for change.  I am letting go of my resistance by letting go of physical belongings.  Some keepsakes, like the flag from my Dad's funeral, my Mom's geisha dolls, things like that...they're getting packed away, for now.  There's some artwork of mine that is older, and that's going away too.  A lot of clothes I have I no longer feel reflect who I am, and so I have a huge Goodwill pile.  (of course that means I get to do some clothes shopping as soon as I can afford it, grins.) I'm going to go through my toys too, and anything I haven't used in a year is going.  Gone or packed away.  The garage isn't very far, I can get to it if I want anytime.  Especially if I'm organized about the packing.

The next step is deciding what I do choose to keep here in my room.  The art will be my work that reflects the process and journey of my recovery and my growth over the past couple of years.  Art by other artists will be packed away.  The kitchy stuff I choose to leave out will be very specific things, and not stuff that's there because it's always been there.  It must have meaning to me today if it stays.  My goal is to give this place a cleaner, more refined look.  I like a simple look, but I've never been able to achieve it for my own personal space.  We'll see how I do. ;) My room is going to be an altar to my life.   And it will change to honor and reflect the ME that IS, HERE and NOW.

I think it's time to redo my manifestation board too.  I do it every year around the holidays, or other times as needed.  and I think this is a good time. So many changes are on the front, so many possibilities, that I need to let Universe know without a doubt what it is that I want most.  Yes there are situations occurring that I don't understand...but I still get to ask for what I want at the same time I am accepting what I didn't think I wanted but what is obviously happening and so there must be a reason or a higher purpose. 

Spring cleaning is a part of this plan too.  And I need to get a move on the work in the garage before it gets too hot to work out there. My bathroom needs a good top to bottom job, and I need to vacuum all the cat hair from under the bed and in other not often used places. All a part of the let go of the old and bring in the new. 

Spiritually this is the time of rebirth, of spring, of new flowers, green growing things, blue sky, and new love. Oh, and fucking like bunnies. ;) (I'll get on that just as soon as I can)

And so, by physically letting go of belongings, establishing an altar to my life, creating my personal space, redefining and refining my desires and goals, I am preparing myself for new experiences, changes, I am open to the unexpected, the frightening, the uncomfortable.  I am practicing my faith with every action I take, with every choice I make, with my breath, my movement, my thoughts. 

I know that I am loved.  I know that I am special, that I am worthy.  I know that my needs will be met, and that right now Universe is working for me, that pieces are falling into place around me. 

I let go of expectations.  I live here and now. 
I surrender.