As the title states, I need an objective opinion, I need another's point of view. I need to know that what I'm experiencing is real and that it warrants my attention and awareness. Soon, I'll be able to talk to doctors about it and I need to keep up the assertive advocacy to make sure I find out what's going on.
The AHCCCS (medicaid) people have responded to my request for a fair hearing appeal of their decision. Even though I haven't been able to get anyone on the phone, either we're playing tag or there's no answer at their end, it seems like that's moving forward. When there was no answer at the 24 hour automated number (yes, you read that right) I checked the website. I discovered that there was a second application that had been started but not submitted, and was dated last Thursday. I finished the online app and submitted it...and we'll see what happens next.
In the meantime the back-up plan that exists for people who make too much for AHCCCS have called asking for proof of citizenship and they are saying that it appears that I am eligible for AHCCCS. I hope they talk to each other. If I can get on AHCCCS it means almost no cost to me, but it also means I'm limited in income. I can't make much more than I'm making now or I'll lose benefits. Silly, really, but it's true.
But right now the priority is getting in to see a Doc to get checked out. I have a new symptom...or maybe it's a different expression of an old one.
I fell on Saturday at the wedding. And it freaked me out. My leg crumpled beneath me and the next thing I knew I was on the ground, then my friends helping me into a chair. I didn't know what to do. They asked me what I needed and what happened and I couldn't tell them.
I was asked by the happy couple to jump in and help sage some of the guests and then to wait by the edge of the clearing where the ceremony was to smudge the three daughters and then the two of them. I was honored to be asked to be a part of their ceremony. I was squating down to reach the lower parts of peoples bodies as I drew the smoke around them with the feather. After approximately 10 people I felt my quads start to cramp up and get sore. The rest of the people I bent at the waist and did the best I could. By the time I was waiting for the wedding party to come through I could tell I was unsteady on my feet. I was in heels, and I'm sure that contributed to the issue, but it wasn't the cause. I leaned up agaist a railing as I waited for them, cleaned the girls and my friends, then handed off the sage and the feather and went to find my seat. My legs felt a bit wobbly and I was grateful to sit during the ceremony.
After the ceremony which lasted about 15-20 minutes or so, guests began to stand and the mingling commenced. I stood and turned to greet a few friends who had come in late and the next thing I knew I was on the ground.
I was able to get myself into a chair and I stayed there for several minutes. My girlfriend I attnded with stayed nearby to make sure I was ok. Another asked if she needed to get a couple of able bodied folks to help me up.
I remember thinking to myself that there's nothing I can do about this right now, I'm not going to freak out, this is *their* day and I don't want to draw attention. I took off my heels hoping it would help me steady myself, and sore feet made for a good excuse to make it up to the car for sturdier shoes. My legs were quite wobbly, my quads feeling like I'd severely over worked them. They felt just like PEMS...post exercise muscle soreness....except this soreness came on almost immediately. And unlike PEMS when the muscle aches to the touch and feels painful to be used...my muscle would cramp up into knots and give out.
I balanced and slowly made my way back to the car with my girlfriend escorting me just in case. I found that if I used th muscles in my legs differently I could walk just fine....although it might look a little funny to someone who knows anything able gait analysis. I learned how much tension my quads could take and I learned quickly to transfer force to other muscles. Stabilizer muscles in my left ankle also seem to be affected.
I pounded 4 vitamin waters and a smart water over two days, I rested my legs, I took a warm bath. I've stayed on NSAIDS like I usually do. Last night I even slept quite well and I was hoping my legs would feel better today. Saturday night my left shoulder also started to ache...although this is very minor compared to my quads. Hammies aren't perfect either.
If you've ever worked out hard enough to have severe PEMS for 3 days...then you have some idea what this feels like...except I didn't work out and it came on within minutes, not the next day. Today it's maybe only 10%better.
I worked today, had two sessions, and as long as I move slowly and consciously I'm alright. If I move too fast I unsteady myself. If I let my mind wander and my quads take tension they are more accustomed to taking, I wobble and need to steady myself.
I was really really hoping I'd get back to dance class, and I signed up for this yoga class too. But if something as simple as almost squatting a handful of times has left me feeling like this, it would seem I have no business bellydancing. I'm saddened by this. I hope I'm feeling better by Wednesday because I want to try the yoga class.
I'm also entertaining the idea of changing my major. I feel sadness about this too. But truly...if I can't keep myself on my own two feet, what business do I have trying to help someone else do this? How can I think I can work a 12 hour clinical if 15 minutes of muscle work leaves me sore for 3 days? The pace of nursing school has me a bit concerned. Maybe a program that I can take at my own pace (within reason) is more appropriate for me. I don't know.
And that's why I need to see a Dr. soon. I need information. I need to make choices about my future, about transfer schools...about classes to take this fall. In 2 weeks I'll be in SF and if I'm not going to do nursing then I don't need to visit some schools and maybe I'd rather visit others. ack.
All of this reminds me that I'm not in charge. That I need to take one day at a time. One hour at a time, one minute at a time. One task at a time. I will allow this experience to strengthen my faith not threaten it.
I am grateful to be alive. To be in this body, right now. To feel what I feel, and to think what I think...to create what I create, and to love. here and now.
Yes.
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