Honey Bee Cutting

This is the best photo I've been able to get of the new cutting.  I just did it for the third time.  As you can see, it's tiny, maybe only an inch long.  And for doing it myself in the mirror, not too bad at all. ;) You can see the faint scars from my butterfly underneath it.

I'm excited by this process. Each time is a reaffirmation of my Self, my Path, my goals, growth, and a mark of a transition time as well as a transformative experience.  All wrapped into one.

And I get to practice with a scalpel...poor me. ;)

Yes!!! LDN is changing my life!

I was driving home from the compounding pharmacy this afternoon after picking up my prescription and I was noticing and appreciating how different the experience was from about 1 month ago before I started LDN.  It was about the same time of day, I was weepy and wiped out, I was so tired that I elected to skip the highway and return home on surface streets...something I do if I don't feel like my reflexes are quick enough to do it safely.

And today I hopped on the highway, turned up the tunes and rocked out, sang along happily to the music, played the steering wheel drums...yeah, you get the picture...and I cried in gratitude.  I feel good.  I really do.

I am still getting really fatigued, and my body needs lots of rest.  Need my naps, watching my heart rate.  still feel some degree of muscle soreness and weakness, so I know I'm still sick.  I haven't beaten the virus, and I'm not cured...but I'm better.  So much better.

I've now been on the 3mg dose for 4 nights and I can see much improvement even from the 1.5mg dose. I'm thinking about going back to belly dance class...I think I wrote about it already, but I'm considering it seriously.  I still won't be able to jump on a treadmill or do lots of exercise...but I can walk to class without have to stop and rest. :) I can study for a couple hours after work, and I can do 5 hours of massage again (although I'm not good for much after that)

I still need to get out of massage and move on, it's still wiping me out, that hasn't changed.  But now I have the confidence that i can keep going, that i can get through school, that I can have the life that I want...mostly.  I don't imagine I'll be backpacking up a mountain, nor becoming a  professional dancer or athlete, and I'm ok with that.  If I can get through my average day, if I can feel happy and confident of my ability to get through tomorrow.  That's enough.

I have enough.  :D

Bee Totems and Lessons of Sacrifice

A little over a week ago while attending the Butchmanns Experience, a spiritual retreat teaching self-actualization within and utilizing Master/slave identifications and relationships, I was stung by a bee.
The honey bee is one of my totem animals and is tattooed on my left ankle near some flowers and a lovely but simple butterfly.  In my belief system, a personal and explicit action taken by one of my totem animals to communicate with me is a powerful message.  The fact that this bee sacrificed itself to deliver that message is a gift for which I will have eternal gratitude.  A life was given for my benefit.  Thank you, little bee.

I've come to understand that a big part of this message is wrapped up in another area of growth for me.  In August, while on retreat, I discovered that my damsel had become a princess...and that she wanted to be witnessed.  Soon after however, I realized that the path of the princess is to grow into a Queen.  I felt resistance around this but I've kept it close.  Now with the bees message of royalty, among others, this path is becoming clearer to me.  It's an evolution, and I don't expect it to happen now, or even soon.  It will happen so gradually that I may one day only fully grasp this transformation from the other side of it.

In the meantime I have researched some different meanings and traditional interpretations of bee totem messages, and I've selected a few more personally meaningful ones to share here.

In the secular world, the bee was a royal symbol and the queen bee was long regarded as a King.  Also a sign of creativity, wealth and eloquence.  The Egyptians used it as a symbol of regal power

The bee symbolizes the original source of all life and inspiration.  Looked upon as a symbol of the potency of nature, because while creating a magical elixir, known for its preservation properties, they were also pollinating flowers, increasing plant fertility, and abundance.  Because of these symbolic meanings, the bee has been used as an emblem by those who wish to associate themselves with the inspiration of the Gods.

Honey bee reminds us to gather the sweetness of life, Honoring your Nvwati/Good Medicine (divine spark), establishing firm boundaries, connecting with your natural self, Goddess and Earth energies, speaking in your true voice, working with spirits of nature, and social networking.

The Royal Bee Totem possesses the following virtues: Messages from higher planes and consciousness, prophetic dreams and visions, industry, wealth, industriousness, diligence, cooperation, productive hard work, sexual attraction, the power of giving back when taking, the ability to turn something unassuming into a wonderful creation, ability to enjoy and savor the sweetness of life, connection with the Earth and living things, divine messages, productiveness, focus, sensitivity, and realizing the fruit of ones labor.

The stinger is also significant, a bee's stinger represents sacrifice. The stinger is used as a defensive weapon, yet can result in death. When a bee totem appears you may need to ask yourself what needs to be sacrificed or let go of. If you allow yourself to let go of things that no longer serve you, the sweetness that may be in short supply will flow toward you more freely.

A lot of my work during and after that retreat weekend has revolved around my connection to Goddess and Universe, understanding what she is asking of me and acting with obedience to the best of my ability.   As I replaced the crystal I have been wearing for two and a half years as a symbol of my Service to Her (it was chipped during the retreat, itself telling me that it was time to allow it to move out of my life) I recalled that by design the crystal had covered up a scar from an old collaring ceremony of a relationship that was....erm...unsatisfactory and unhealthy for me.  I believed at one time that I needed to wait for someone else to recut over that scar...and I finally realized that *I* was that someone.  As a part of my process of the princess growing into a Queen, my recognition of the bee's message for me, the movement of the crystal out of my world, and the letting go of the connections represented by the old scar...I cut a small bee (which fit nicely) over the scar.  It looks pretty damn good for doing it myself in the mirror with a #11 straight blade. ;) Wishing I had a few #15 curved.  ;) 

I'll be recutting it again soon, as I want it to be quite permanent.  This time was for me and my process.  The next time I'll get a picture of it to share.  

LDN Tx

This is a space-filling model that represents the chemical that has changed my life, naltrexone.  Who'da thunk?  ;) I emailed my doc with a brief version of the improvements I listed in my last blog entry and I got the ok to start doubling the dose as of tonight.  I'm excited and hopeful that there might be more improvements on the horizon. :D  There is a small chance that it may make me worse, but from my research that seems to happen more when and increase to 4.5mg occurs, not with the 3mg dose, which is considered ideal by many, including my doc.  If I got 15-20% improvement with this, can I even hope for another 20%?  That would be so amazing!!! I'm almost at the point where I may go back to bellydance class, I've missed it so much!  I'd still have to be very careful to manage my activity level and to stay within my heart rate limits...so no cardio level of exercise, but I may be able to attend and participate in much of the class.

I simply cannot yet express in words the improvement and positive outlook  I have on life.  I was pretty good before, even when I felt like crap I was happy with it, but this is so different.  I was feeling old for my age...I'm 36 and was at the approximate activity level of a 50-55 year old...and feeling like I had to move so slowly that life was passing me by.  Not anymore.  I feel a part of things again.  Such a weird symptom, but sadly a common one for people with ME/CFS.  I didn't understand it until I was feeling it myself.  It seems that I can handle life now.  Before I knew I could, but now I don't even question it. It is. And it is good.

yea baby.

:D

more in a few days.

Low Dose Naltrexone update

I've been on the 1.5mg dose for a little over two weeks, and I feel pretty darn great.  I estimate a 15-20% overall improvement...I have no words for the gratitude in my heart.  I was devastated this year as I perceived the losses in my life now and the possible losses of function in the future.  I was afraid to challenge myself wondering if it would only make things worse.   Yes, I've learned a lot recently about how to pace myself, to listen to very early warning signs from my body and mind, and to estimate what my recovery time might be.  Most of all, I've learned to honor my limits, and that, instead of viewing everything as a loss, I see this limitations as self-care...and I see each lesson as an exercise in my self-worth and Divine value.  I am perfect.

Some specific benefits I've been experiencing are:

I'm completely off the daily use of any drug to help me sleep. (yes, I've already worked with every alternative option, treatment, and behavior modification out there) On one occasion I took a diphenhydramine to help me sleep through the night.

I feel better first thing in the morning.  This is simply wonderful, and has overall giving me a brighter outlook each day.

Most nausea has passed.  It still happens, but not daily anymore.  Totally awesome.

I'm also off of daily use of NSAIDS.  I've been on them constantly since last December when this last flare-up began.  Because of this I know my own body's anti-inflammatory agents aren't really functioning too well, and I feel it.  I'm having more muscle and joint aches, weird stuff that I can't always connect to specific activities.  I'm achy and it ok.  If I have a tough day at work I can get through it with a single dose of advil or other drug here and there.  It keeps the chronic tendonitis in check that I've accumulated after 8+ years of professional bodywork.

And probably the most awesomest effect of all is that my mind works!!!  I'm faster in class, I'm getting stuff, making connections and following the teacher, understanding the first time instead of silently attempting to plan when I'm going to be able to teach myself the information later. And I've found that when I am exhausted, even when my body is wiped out, my cognitive functions seem to stay longer.  I can still think, and speak, and articulate my thoughts and feelings in sentences and be understood.  I still feel more energetically confident instead of needing my comfy bed comfort zone comfort-ness.

Yes, I still have ME.  Yes, it's still a daily, hourly constant awareness of my condition and ability to cope and to be active that I will likely have for, well...for as long as I need it, I guess.  I'm still sick.  I still need naps and rest.  I'm still conscious of each move that I make and the need to conserve what I have.

I feel better.  and that's enough.

I'll soon be increasing my dose to 3mg which is where my Dr wants me to be for a regular therapeutic dose.  I'll contact her early next week and I'll let y'all know how I'm doing then.  For now, I am enjoying having a brighter outlook on life.  I don't feel left behind.  I feel a part of the world around me.  I feel like I can get through this challenging nursing program.

Yes.

Butchmanns Experience Affirmations

Being an enabler or a co-dependant is not equal in any way to being a slave.

I have felt the most positive and accelerated growth over the past few years with my tribe and as I become more and more self-sufficient.

I receive direct messages about my life, my path, and my purpose from Universe.  I do not need an intercessor. 

I welcome angels, messages, and information from many varied sources and each source is different and valuable.

I value mirroring provided to me by others because it offers me a view that is not colored by my own ego.

I have the Faith and the Confidence to be obedient to Goddess and Universe.

I enjoy being in service to humans occasionally and by my choice.

I must take care of my needs first, and then care for others with my Abundance.

I value the unique and varied connections with others that are Divinely present.

If I have agreed to serve in some way, and my needs become known and urgent, I can feel resentful of the commitment.  It is better to speak those needs, to recognize them and value them first, then determine the best course of action.

I feel powerful when I am independent, confident, and my needs are met.

I am most comfortable with a varied continuum of relationships, sexualities, genders, and authority exchanges. 

All archetypes have equal value and will have equal opportunity for presentation and expression. 

All thoughts, words, and actions are serving my greatest good as well as the greatest good of All. 

Ho, Mitakuye Oyasin

I AM already perfect in this and in each moment.  Who I am is constantly changing. 

In being Authentic I sometimes risk the perceived loss of a sense of inclusion, acceptance, or approval.  Authenticity is worth the risk every time.

Only I can choose to serve, no one makes the decision for me.  If Universe brings me a Master, I may choose to serve.  If Universe offers me a slave, I may also choose to serve.  If Universe beings me a partner, or many partners, I will still choose to serve.  I am obedient to Divine Will. 

Not my will but Thy will be done.  Let my will and Thy will be one.

Protocol was enabling my social anxiety.  I feel stronger when I am able to act with my own authority in each different social situation.

Control of actions, behaviors, and play partners was helping me to feel loved, however this too enabled me to continue with the illusion of unworthiness.  I am worthy of love and do not require the attentions of others as a way to feel valuable.  Attention feels good, but most important is my self-love and self-respect. 

A Dial Down

I had to write an update quickly.  It's been one of those weeks where I'm doing so much that I haven't had much time to post. 

I'm feeling better, in a general and ephemeral sort of way.  I still have all my symptoms, I still get tired in the middle of the day and still need a nap, my muscles still wear out fast, and I'm still having arrhythmia....etc.  but every symptom I have had been dialed down, reduced by maybe one number on the scale.  If whatever was going on was a 5, it's now a 4, or maybe even a 3.  

I'm super thrilled.  My outlook is better, more positive...and it was pretty good before. ;) I notice myself thinking differently, and looking at life with a little more excitement and a I'm feeling more involved with life, instead of feeling like it was passing me by 'cause I can't move quickly enough or think fast enough to keep up.  

I'm also sleeping better, which is going to help on every other level as well. 

Ok, have class now. 

Treatment Anxiety

I had my doctor's appt today, and I received the prescription for Low Dose Naltrexone...in the future to be called LDN. I had to go to a compounding pharmacy, which was actually a nice personal experience, and they even price matched another pharmacy.  A month's script costs only $18.  It could be a whole lot worse, yes it could.  I'm starting on 1.5mg with the intention of a likely increase to 3mg in 4 weeks.

I'm still not certain that I'm going to start it tonight, although knowing me I will.  It's been an interesting experience examining my intentions and purposes for trying this medication.  Of course I hope it will work, but there's a chance that it won't.  I need to be open to both futures.  I don't like the idea of being even more dependent on a medication, but in truth, I already am dependent about 3-4 times a day.  Realistically what will adding one more med at bedtime do...not much on a practical level at all.

I've felt some level of anxiety and even some fear around this, and I've been exploring why.  I thought most of the day that it was because it's something new, an off label use for a drug, an 'experimental' Tx.  then I thought my anxiety was perhaps the perception of dependency....maybe a little.

Before class tonight I was chatting with a friend and I decided I must be afraid that the Tx will actually help, and that I might be able to return to some beloved activities, that my mind might be clearer in class again, and that maybe I'll actually make it through a tough nursing program. (something that's been in question with all the issues I've had this past year) I was certain that I was feeling anxiety around success...that maybe if I felt better then I'd expect more from myself, that I'd have to perform better..or something like that that seems rather silly in this moment.  But it makes sense on some level.

And then after class I realized another key piece of the puzzle.  I realized that a lot of my anxiety was about what happens if I feel better and then get worse again.  I am afraid of further loss, of lower energy, I'm afraid that I'll feel better for just a short time and then it will all go down hill again.  A fear that, considering the relapse-remission cycle that I've been in with this for at least 12 years if not more...seems perfectly reasonable too.  Each time I've done something that helped I thought that I'd *finally* found the solution and things got better, sometimes I can say that I even felt well or healthy for short periods of time, but then I always went into another decline.  This process has been emotionally devastating for a long time in my world, but at least now I can understand it.  Now I can wrap my mind around making the best of each moment and each experience because I really don't know when things will get bad again.  At least the trials of this past year and my declining health have finally led to a diagnosis and a greater understanding of myself.

So with the collective emotional experiences around relapse/remission, I think it's perfectly understandable that I may have some concern around a Tx actually making a difference in my overall health situation.  I am forgiving myself for feeling discomfort and anxiety around this.  I allow the possibility of health into my experience.


On another note, I do intend to journal more regularly about this Tx.  It will benefit me, and I truly hope that others out there who might google LDN and ME/CFS like I did might find this blog and find some benefit too.

I'm told that there are only 2 reported side effects of this drug.  The first is a possibility that I may have some trouble sleeping the first few nights.  I guess I can handle that, although it does concern me because I'm already well wearied from my move last weekend and I haven't yet recovered. I don't want to feel worse because I can't sleep...I still have a life I need to make it through.  The other reported symptom is intense dreams for the first few nights as well.  I'm pretty ok with this one.   I don't have a lot of experience with what some might call nightmares or scary dreams, perhaps because I've struggled with insomnia since I was 12 years old and don't often remember my dreams.  I also hold the belief that dreams are en excellent way for the conscious mind to receive information from the unconscious, the Higher Self, from those who have passed on, and from Spirit guides.  If dreams are more vivid, that's a plus in my world. ;)

Many blessings to all who are reading this and silently supporting me on this journey.  I am thankful for you. <3

Low Dose Naltrexone

I have a check-up with my doc on Wednesday and I'm planning on starting this treatment.  I've done s significant amount of research about this Tx but there's still a lot I have to figure out.  I know that it won't interfere with any of the medications I'm already on and that's reassuring. This definitely falls under "experimental Tx" and so I"m getting used to the idea. I think I'd like to start with a small dose of about 1mg and slowly increase based on tolerance.  Not sure what my doc will recommend.  Apparently some ME/CFS folks have such a low tolerance for medication that they have trouble with this one too. This website says an optimal dose is 4.5mg, but a lot of the research I've done about people with CFS say that they are happier on 3mg.  The only way to tell if it will work for me is by trying it.  Of course I"m excited about a possibility that this might really help me to feel better, to get through my days with less fatigue and especially I'm interested in improved mental focus, reduced neurological symptoms, improved memory, reduced anxiety, etc. This is an experience that may or may not work or help.  It's not up to me.  But good Goddess...what if it helps!!!  I'd feel SO much more confident about school...my life could change dramatically....again. :) I do plan to journal about my experience with it, and I hope that maybe this journal will someday help someone else to make a decision around trying this Tx.  

How does LDN work?

> LDN boosts the immune system, activating the body's own natural defenses.

Up to the present time, the question of "What controls the immune system?" has not been present in the curricula of medical colleges and the issue has not formed a part of the received wisdom of practicing physicians. Nonetheless, a body of research over the past two decades has pointed repeatedly to one's own endorphin secretions (our internal opioids) as playing the central role in the beneficial orchestration of the immune system, and recognition of the facts is growing.

Witness these statements from a review article of medical progress in the November 13, 2003 issue of the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine: "Opioid-Induced Immune Modulation: .... Preclinical evidence indicates overwhelmingly that opioids alter the development, differentiation, and function of immune cells, and that both innate and adaptive systems are affected.^1,2 Bone marrow progenitor cells, macrophages, natural killer cells, immature thymocytes and T cells, and B cells are all involved. The relatively recent identification of opioid-related receptors on immune cells makes it even more likely that opioids have direct effects on the immune system.³"

The brief blockade of opioid receptors between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. that is caused by taking LDN at bedtime each night is believed to produce a prolonged up-regulation of vital elements of the immune system by causing an increase in endorphin and enkephalin production. Normal volunteers who have taken LDN in this fashion have been found to have much higher levels of beta-endorphins circulating in their blood in the following days. Animal research by I. Zagon, PhD, and his colleagues has shown a marked increase in metenkephalin levels as well. [Note: Additional information for Dr. Zagon can be found at the end of this page.]

Bihari says that his patients with HIV/AIDS who regularly took LDN before the availability of HAART were generally spared any deterioration of their important helper T cells (CD4+).

In human cancer, research by Zagon over many years has demonstrated inhibition of a number of different human tumors in laboratory studies by using endorphins and low dose naltrexone. It is suggested that the increased endorphin and enkephalin levels, induced by LDN, work directly on the tumors' opioid receptors — and, perhaps, induce cancer cell death (apoptosis). In addition, it is believed that they act to increase natural killer cells and other healthy immune defenses against cancer.

In general, in people with diseases that are partially or largely triggered by a deficiency of endorphins (including cancer and autoimmune diseases), or are accelerated by a deficiency of endorphins (such as HIV/AIDS), restoration of the body's normal production of endorphins is the major therapeutic action of LDN.

From www.lowdosenaltraxone.org 

Personal Death Concepts

This is an assignment required for my psychology class which asked 10 specific questions such as why was I born, what is the meaning of death in general, do you feel fear or anxiety  over your own death, and does contemplating death case you to live differently, etc.

Lauren Ide

PSY 156 Understanding Death and Dying

Professor Newell

Fall 2010

I believe that I was born to learn, to grow, to experience physical sensations, and to fulfill a purpose.  In my personal belief system my Spirit, my unique and perpetual essence, made a conscious choice to be born to my parents during this time and place in order to interact with specific people and to have specific experiences.   This belief extends to my understanding of the meaning of life in general: to have experiences, to gain knowledge and perspective, and to create.  I know that I am here to experience the rush of adrenaline-laced thrill, the agony of heart-wrenching grief, and the elation of new and lasting love.  Emotions and sensations don’t necessarily need to be understood only allowed and experienced.

During periods of introspection I have come to some understanding of my life’s purpose.  With the above stated belief of experience and a general meaning of life, I also believe it is my responsibility to seek specific experiences that call to me as well as to peacefully allow experiences that are out of my control.  I have gained an awareness of the personal satisfaction I receive when I am in service to my concept of higher power and to others.  Helping others by creating a sense of safety, mutual understanding, and kindness fills my heart with joy.  With practice I have also learned that I am also fulfilled when I create a similar healing environment for myself. I know that along with life’s purpose to simply BE, it is my path to engage in compassionate service to God, Goddess, and Universe.

Death is a transition to a difference plane of existence.  It is, and that is it’s meaning.  It is easy to see examples of transition in the world around us: winter giving way to the new life of spring is just as important to the seasonal year as the apparent “death” of vegetation during the dark winter months.  Although many who find death uncomfortable may often misunderstand this idea, death is a normal and healthy consequence of life.  The Spirit’s experience of death and the transition to the next plane is an important part of the collection of experiences in this life.

While I believe that my death will, like all deaths, have a ripple effect that will affect my loved ones and those close to them, my death will have the most meaning to me.  In keeping with my belief system of gaining experiences, my personal death experience may or not be the most important or memorable opportunity to gain perspective.  I wish a conscious death, one with awareness understanding of each phase of this “greatest transition.”

I hold a strong belief that what makes us “us” is a Spirit, an ethereal energy that resides here on this plane and in this “body suit” temporarily before moving on to what’s next.  All things are impermanent, including this physical body and this life.  Impermanent too is the experience of the Spirit in the next plane.  I believe that for a time the “I” that is me will cease to exist as I become one with the Divine.  After an indeterminate amount of time, because time isn’t linear only our perception of it is, then my Spirit will most likely again choose to be reborn into another body and another time and place to continue to grow, learn and experience.

I live with chronic illness and it happens to be the exact same diagnosis that my mom had, who passed at ago 56.  Because of this, as well as my own desire to connect with Spirit, I’ve spent a great deal of time studying my own anxieties and concerns about the deaths of my loved ones as well as time in self-examination about my own death experience. With my strong spiritual belief in Divine order and meaning, I have alleviated much of my anxiety.  I believe that there are reasons for everything and even though I may never know or understand what those reasons are, I am comfortable knowing that there is a greater purpose.  I do still have some discomfort and anxiety around the idea of a quick end such as a car accident or other violent death, but I work with the idea that whatever my experience is, then that is what is supposed to be.  I honestly don’t know how to make it through my day without the idea that there is a power greater than myself supporting me and guiding me towards my purpose and for the Highest Good. 

I was raised Roman Catholic, baptized, communed, and confirmed, although materialist science was also taught in my childhood home.  A perfect example was when my mom explained to me that I couldn’t take the Bible too literally and even though it states that the earth was created in 6 days (Genesis 1:1-31), that each of those “days” could mean an epoch or an era.  She would then use this as a teaching opportunity to explain geology or pre-history.  Today I understand the power in ritual, chanting and mantras, prayer, incense, etc, but I choose to use those tools to focus my consciousness and to connect to the Divine Source without a prescribed set of dogmatic beliefs.  I believe it is more important to have a personal and intimate connection to God/Goddess/Universe that feels true in my heart than to behave according to the rules of human intercessors.  

The experience of introspection and contemplation throughout my lifetime has led me to make different choices than I would have if I had continued with the same belief system as my family of origin.  I learn and practice present-focus, I live in the now and I do it right here, because it is only the present that matters.  While I have held these beliefs for many years, my active daily practice has improved since I received a diagnosis earlier this year that is not immediately life threatening but is life shortening.  Every moment and every action matters, every word I speak holds weight and power, and since I don’t know if I will have a chance to right a wrong, I make every effort to do it right the first time.  I make choices that others might view as risky, and I do it because I place a high value on having the experience, on surviving or completing a task or an ordeal.  I’ve jumped out of a perfectly good airplane, I ride a motorcycle, I am working on my Bachelor’s Degree and next year I’m moving to San Francisco to live near the ocean.  I don’t intend to wait for a physician to tell me I have limited time in this body to change my ways of living and interacting or to do something I’ve always wanted to do.  I already know that time is limited so I’m doing it now.  And if I don’t get to it this time around, time is also infinite so I know I’ll have another chance on my next turn around the wheel.

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things that we did not do that is inconsolable.”  Sidney J. Harris