Allowing Illness

"Illness or pain is just an extension of negative emotion. When you are no longer feeling any resistance to it, it's a non-issue. San Rafael, CA -- 8/3/02
--- Abraham
Excerpted from the workshop in San Rafael, CA on Saturday, August 3rd, 2002 #402
Our Love,
Jerry and Esther"


I've been contemplating this message for most of the day today, on and off in between classes, schoolwork, and naps. I'm facing a lengthy (probably) diagnostic process, an unpleasant diagnosis, and multiple limitations. I am consciously aware of my body, my energy levels and my health just about every moment of every day. I think this is a positive change, even though it has been necessary because of illness. I enjoy this new awareness, even as I still feel resistant to some of the limitations. Some things I've done before now seem scary, impossible, or at the least a lot more challenging than they have before.

For example: I don't like not being able to ride the bike some days because I'm too tired, although I am learning to view this as positive self-care. If I'm too tired to ride, then it's not safe to ride, and therefore I am making the best choice for me at that moment. I recognize a positive choice and give myself credit for this. :)

What comes first in my priorities, sleep? rest? or that paper on Myasthenia Gravis that is due on Friday? Which is more important, my rest tonight so that I can go to work tomorrow or the 15 points I'll get for completing the paper. These decisions are no different for any student, except that I have even less time available to complete the work, less energy to put into anything that I do. How do I explain how I am different from anyone else? I don't know. Anyone can choose to put off doing a paper, but I don't believe I really had a choice. I'm not a slacker, I'm not blowing off this assignment, I'm doing my best. I suppose I did have a choice, there is always a choice...but my price is higher too. If I choose to push myself I pay dearly for my efforts. And so my choice is to maintain some sort of regularity in my activity levels, my sleep, my health, and my mood. I recognize a positive choice and I give myself credit for this.

If I get to the point where I am accepting limitations, when I am no longer feeling any resistance... well....I look forward to this being a non-issue. And I believe I will get there. I think that a diagnosis will go a long way to helping me find true acceptance. And that will come.

I allow myself to be the person I am, right now.