Comfort in Uncertainty

I had a lovely little ride up to Tonto this morning and then met a girlfriend for breakfast.  What I remember most about the morning was a statement I made to her.  "I'm really scared right now because so many things are up in the air."  But I don't hink this is any different when compared to this time of year over the past couple of years.  And each time I have felt the right decision fall into place, either by trusting to faith or by receiving additional information that helped me reach a decision, or by some other means.  The right thing always happens and I understand later, or perhaps I never understand at all but learn to accept.

I am waiting to hear about health insurance, and there's nothing I can do until I hear from them.  And because of that I am waiting on a diagnosis.  Stressful at best.  But still, nothing active I can do, and so I try to let it be.  Set it aside, put it in a box for later, whatever.

I am uncertain about my career choice.  When I decided on nursing it felt right.  There is no better way to say that, I received a message an dI didn't question it, I simply started moving forward on the path.  Not one person I have talked to since has asked why I want to be a nurse, or wondered why I would spend my time getting the education.  I have been wholeheartedly supported by all persons in my sphere since day one.  Am I distanced from this certainty bcause I am simply tired of this past academic semester?  Maybe, it's been a challenging time for me in many ways.  Am I disillusiond with school? ( I don't think so.)

Mostly I'm scared for my health.  I'm scared that I'll spend all this time and effort doing my prereqs and the effort of the program will make me worse.  I'm scared that pushing myself will cause even more health problems.  I need a diagnosis.  I need to understand more about what's happening to me.  Really, making a change in major at this point seems premature, and yet, the sooner the better as far as credits and funding are concerned. 

The idea that thsi is all my decision is daunting to me.  I much prefer that it be coming from Universe. Not so much bcause I want to abdicate responsibility, but because I don't want to have to make this decision alone.  I am happy to surrender to the Goddess. 

I want to view this an an opportunity to see the wide range of possiblities ahead of me.  I don't want to feel constrained by choices and limitations, I want to feel more comfortable in the uncertainty of my future.  It's always worked out just fine before.  :)

It's hard.  Not knowing.  Waiting.  Wanting to understand. 

But my conclusion is that I don't yet have enough information to make a decision about my career and major. 

And the other thing that is up in the air is work.  I explored a few ideas today with my friend about what I might do to bring in money.  Retraining?  Going back to flowers?  Retail?  I can't think of much I can do that isn't going to be tough on my body. Something relatively sedentary would be good.  If I'm not too active I can make it through several hours with my mind intact.  But the physical labor of giving massage...whew.  And when do I have time to retrain while I am taking real classes? Where do I find the money to retrain when I am already scraping to get by?  I don't know how this is supposed to work.  How do I support myself and pay the bills when I can't seem to find a job yet that I can do and still maintain some semblance of health? 

So many questions.  And all I can figure out to do is to keep going.  Just keep swimmin', just keep swimmin'.  One Day at a Time.  Live in the moment.  Be.  Here. Now.   Hang on through the end of the semester, finish what I've started. get some health insurance, see a Dr., get tests done, get a diagnosis.  Figure it out as I go along. Wing it.  Spontaneous processing.

And ride my baby every chance I can get.  Find my bliss.  Seek joy.  Love like I've never been hurt.  Breathe.