Most who are looking for mates that they haven't quite found yet are so interested in getting to where they're going that they're missing the fun of going there.
--- Abraham
Agreed. I am happy with where I am in my life right now. I like having my own bed...well, I do share it with Switch, but I enjoy going to bed when I want, picking up my things (or not) when I want. Yes, sleeping with someone is nice and all, but I don't think I'd get as good a night's sleep. And it's pretty iffy right now anyway. It seems like a long way away in my world to be co habitating with someone again. Sure there's benefits, and I won't be shy to say that some domestic partner benefits would be damn useful right now, but I'm good where I am. And I'm also able to appreciate my friends and lovers for exactly who they are are whatever roles they might play in my life. I give thanks for each connction I have and for its respective individuality. I'm having a FUN journey. :)
ok, I think that's all I wanted to say. Going to bed now.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Celiac Disease
A friend sent me an email asking some questions about Celiac disease. I understand she is doing a case study for one of her nutrition classes, and like any good student she's using all the available resources, including me. ;) She asked about specific foods. I spent a good amount of time typing all this up, so I thought I'd share. If you've ever wondered why I'm so darn picky about my food, or why eating Gluten-Free is so expensive, have a read.
Hi A,
I'm happy to help :)
I bit o background. Most of my knowledge is based on life experience having been diagnosed with Celiac Disease in October of 1996. I was diagnosed based on a symptom picture, response to diet and heredity. My mom was diagnosed a few months earlier with the traditional stomach biopsy. My brother and only sibling also has CD. Since May of 2008 I have been eating casein-free as well. I was still having problems and my naturopath suggested I try to remove dairy to see if I had any improvement. Turns out that a lot of celiacs also react to the casein protein the same way they do gluten. I am also mostly vegan, (regular salmon and maybe 2x per year a few eggs), and I eat a whole food almost all organic diet. Most Celiacs do not. They are what I have come to call 'common' Celiacs who eat a very Standard American Diet except that they subsititute GF foods for what they used to eat. ie lots of bread, bagels, pasta, etc. I also have a bunch of food sensitivites on top of these dietary restrictions including most latex-related foods and I follow an anti inflammatory (arthritis) diet. (basically no nightshade veggies, sugar, alcohol, or caffeine.)
I let you know all of this because I will answer all of the following information as if I were a common Celiac. Meaning, I won't simply say, eeew, bologna. yuck, and move onto the next one. ;)
bologna (and other processed meat products) -rarely are thse actually gluten-free unless specifically stated. Protein is expensive, plain and simple. If it's possible a company will add modified food starch to their product to save money. The starch could be corn, or tapioca, but it's usually not specified on the label. Often flavorings are used like teriyaki, soy sauce, or smoke flavoring which are rarely GF. While most basic dairy foods are GF, anything that is low fat or fat free rarely is. The fat is removed from the product and replaced with starch. Ice cream, cottage cheese, yogurt, sour cream and margarine are suspect.
Lean Cuisine- the only prepared meals I even look at are at Whole Foods or Sprouts. Espcially the diet foods. Same as above, to reduce calories the fat is removed and replaced with starch fillers and artificial flavorings. And soy sauce is not GF, so anything Asian is usually out.
Casserole- Any common market brands like Campbells, etc are not GF. In fact, I have found very few canned soups that are but Amy's and a couple fo othr "natural' brands are GF. Green beans and onions are ok, but any pre-seasoned product is suspect. At a friends house I would not touch this unless they were able to tell me which brand of soup they used and I knew it to be GF.
Cheese food- I actually think some of thse are GF. Velveeta is, but a lot of brands are not. Starch fillers again. In my world it's not real food so I don't go there. No nachos at the movies for Celiacs.
Pudding- I doubt most common brands are for the same reason as the other foods above. I have found a brand (can't recall the name) at Whole Foods that I can make that was safe. Lately, I've made my own using various milk substitutes, unsweetened, chocolate, agave, and arrowroot.
Cola- for years Celiacs were told that caramel coloring was not GF and so we all avoided brown sodas like cola and Dr. Pepper. I've been told since that that information was incorrect. Info on vinegar changed too. Distilled vinegar used to be on the no no list, now I'm told it's ok.
A few words on food labelling. The FDA and activist organizations are working on this. In fact, I just recently filled out an online FDA survey about it. As I understand it to be labelled "Gluten-Free" a facility must pay an independant testing agency to test their product and processing methods for the presence of gluten. It's part of why the foods are so expensive. Gluten can only be present in some small amount measured in parts per million or something to make the grade.
A lot of reputable natural food companies are now opting for the less secure "No Gluten Ingredients Used" with a reassuring statement on the product like, "We at Natural Food Company care about your health. That's why we monitor our process for the presence of allergans and maintain high quality standards." Personally, if I'm familiar with a company and have used their products before, then this is usually enough for me. There is also the vague label of "this product is processed in a facility that also processes wheat, dairy, and tree nuts." It doesn't say how far away the wheat was processed or if it was on the same machinery on the same day, or if they clean the machinery in between products, etc. It's like playing roulette with my gut. Labeling like that is to protect the company from law suits, not to protect me and my health.
The new labels that came out, what, 5 years+ ago, that list common allergans at the end of the ingredients in bold has been helpful. Sometimes I'll read a list and it looks fine, but the end says "Contains wheat and soy." Huh. A few years ago I'd have eaten that. Hopefully the FDA will get on this and there will be some standardization soon.
There are no laws on labeling for alcoholic beverages. Celiacs can't have malt like wine coolers or hard lemonade, or barley beer, and some liquors are processed differently to add gluten. I think regular Cuervo is ok, but Gold is not. Top shelf vodka is ok, but cheaper well vodkas add the mash back in to add flavor. No labels here. The only way to know this is by reading research online.
A few other thoughts. It has been shown in studies (I have no references) that flour from baking stays in the air for some 60ft before it settles. That's why places like Picazzo's Pizza, who offer a GF crust, cannot make their own GF crust in the same facility. It must be prepared offsite in a GF bakery. Processing is key. I've been told that Picazzo's takes care to cook the GF crust not directly on the same surface as the regular crusts. Some places have "allergy pans" for rice noodles and such, but the education of cooks, food prep, and servers is necessary to improve handling procedures. And there's never any guarantee unless I do it myself. Even PF Chang's, one of the first chain stores to have a GF menu, still says eat at your own risk and we're not responsible for your food reactions.
Many Celiacs think it's silly to use GF personal care products. I do not. It' smy believe that once something enters my energy field it affects me, think about muscle testing and kinesiology. No, it might not set of the auto-immune reaction in the gut, but it can still 'stress' my energy and my physical body. I choose to use soaps without oat protein, and shampoo without wheat protein. I read labels on hand lotion, hair coloring (henna), toothpaste, make-up, mouthwash, moisturizing cream, and chapstick to name a few. I also have MCS, multiple chemical sensitivities, so I use everything fragrance-free like detergents and cleaning products.
There are also sources of gluten that most people aren't aware of. Wax on conventionaly grown fruits and veggies, adhesives like the back of envelopes, and Pam cooking spray are a few that come to mind.
Heh. No wonder I'm a little paranoid.
Wow, I really rambled. I hope this helps your class. I enjoy educating about CD, especially someone like you who has some expertise in nutrition and natural foods. Thanks for asking.
light and blessings,
Lauren
Hi A,
I'm happy to help :)
I bit o background. Most of my knowledge is based on life experience having been diagnosed with Celiac Disease in October of 1996. I was diagnosed based on a symptom picture, response to diet and heredity. My mom was diagnosed a few months earlier with the traditional stomach biopsy. My brother and only sibling also has CD. Since May of 2008 I have been eating casein-free as well. I was still having problems and my naturopath suggested I try to remove dairy to see if I had any improvement. Turns out that a lot of celiacs also react to the casein protein the same way they do gluten. I am also mostly vegan, (regular salmon and maybe 2x per year a few eggs), and I eat a whole food almost all organic diet. Most Celiacs do not. They are what I have come to call 'common' Celiacs who eat a very Standard American Diet except that they subsititute GF foods for what they used to eat. ie lots of bread, bagels, pasta, etc. I also have a bunch of food sensitivites on top of these dietary restrictions including most latex-related foods and I follow an anti inflammatory (arthritis) diet. (basically no nightshade veggies, sugar, alcohol, or caffeine.)
I let you know all of this because I will answer all of the following information as if I were a common Celiac. Meaning, I won't simply say, eeew, bologna. yuck, and move onto the next one. ;)
bologna (and other processed meat products) -rarely are thse actually gluten-free unless specifically stated. Protein is expensive, plain and simple. If it's possible a company will add modified food starch to their product to save money. The starch could be corn, or tapioca, but it's usually not specified on the label. Often flavorings are used like teriyaki, soy sauce, or smoke flavoring which are rarely GF. While most basic dairy foods are GF, anything that is low fat or fat free rarely is. The fat is removed from the product and replaced with starch. Ice cream, cottage cheese, yogurt, sour cream and margarine are suspect.
Lean Cuisine- the only prepared meals I even look at are at Whole Foods or Sprouts. Espcially the diet foods. Same as above, to reduce calories the fat is removed and replaced with starch fillers and artificial flavorings. And soy sauce is not GF, so anything Asian is usually out.
Casserole- Any common market brands like Campbells, etc are not GF. In fact, I have found very few canned soups that are but Amy's and a couple fo othr "natural' brands are GF. Green beans and onions are ok, but any pre-seasoned product is suspect. At a friends house I would not touch this unless they were able to tell me which brand of soup they used and I knew it to be GF.
Cheese food- I actually think some of thse are GF. Velveeta is, but a lot of brands are not. Starch fillers again. In my world it's not real food so I don't go there. No nachos at the movies for Celiacs.
Pudding- I doubt most common brands are for the same reason as the other foods above. I have found a brand (can't recall the name) at Whole Foods that I can make that was safe. Lately, I've made my own using various milk substitutes, unsweetened, chocolate, agave, and arrowroot.
Cola- for years Celiacs were told that caramel coloring was not GF and so we all avoided brown sodas like cola and Dr. Pepper. I've been told since that that information was incorrect. Info on vinegar changed too. Distilled vinegar used to be on the no no list, now I'm told it's ok.
A few words on food labelling. The FDA and activist organizations are working on this. In fact, I just recently filled out an online FDA survey about it. As I understand it to be labelled "Gluten-Free" a facility must pay an independant testing agency to test their product and processing methods for the presence of gluten. It's part of why the foods are so expensive. Gluten can only be present in some small amount measured in parts per million or something to make the grade.
A lot of reputable natural food companies are now opting for the less secure "No Gluten Ingredients Used" with a reassuring statement on the product like, "We at Natural Food Company care about your health. That's why we monitor our process for the presence of allergans and maintain high quality standards." Personally, if I'm familiar with a company and have used their products before, then this is usually enough for me. There is also the vague label of "this product is processed in a facility that also processes wheat, dairy, and tree nuts." It doesn't say how far away the wheat was processed or if it was on the same machinery on the same day, or if they clean the machinery in between products, etc. It's like playing roulette with my gut. Labeling like that is to protect the company from law suits, not to protect me and my health.
The new labels that came out, what, 5 years+ ago, that list common allergans at the end of the ingredients in bold has been helpful. Sometimes I'll read a list and it looks fine, but the end says "Contains wheat and soy." Huh. A few years ago I'd have eaten that. Hopefully the FDA will get on this and there will be some standardization soon.
There are no laws on labeling for alcoholic beverages. Celiacs can't have malt like wine coolers or hard lemonade, or barley beer, and some liquors are processed differently to add gluten. I think regular Cuervo is ok, but Gold is not. Top shelf vodka is ok, but cheaper well vodkas add the mash back in to add flavor. No labels here. The only way to know this is by reading research online.
A few other thoughts. It has been shown in studies (I have no references) that flour from baking stays in the air for some 60ft before it settles. That's why places like Picazzo's Pizza, who offer a GF crust, cannot make their own GF crust in the same facility. It must be prepared offsite in a GF bakery. Processing is key. I've been told that Picazzo's takes care to cook the GF crust not directly on the same surface as the regular crusts. Some places have "allergy pans" for rice noodles and such, but the education of cooks, food prep, and servers is necessary to improve handling procedures. And there's never any guarantee unless I do it myself. Even PF Chang's, one of the first chain stores to have a GF menu, still says eat at your own risk and we're not responsible for your food reactions.
Many Celiacs think it's silly to use GF personal care products. I do not. It' smy believe that once something enters my energy field it affects me, think about muscle testing and kinesiology. No, it might not set of the auto-immune reaction in the gut, but it can still 'stress' my energy and my physical body. I choose to use soaps without oat protein, and shampoo without wheat protein. I read labels on hand lotion, hair coloring (henna), toothpaste, make-up, mouthwash, moisturizing cream, and chapstick to name a few. I also have MCS, multiple chemical sensitivities, so I use everything fragrance-free like detergents and cleaning products.
There are also sources of gluten that most people aren't aware of. Wax on conventionaly grown fruits and veggies, adhesives like the back of envelopes, and Pam cooking spray are a few that come to mind.
Heh. No wonder I'm a little paranoid.
Wow, I really rambled. I hope this helps your class. I enjoy educating about CD, especially someone like you who has some expertise in nutrition and natural foods. Thanks for asking.
light and blessings,
Lauren
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
A Painting "Inflammation"
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
HIGH-QUALITY MEDICATIONS for the BEST PRICE !!
_____________________________________________________________________________Answered it might as they.
Surprise abby returned home with.
Replied her daughter abigail johannes family.
Replied dennis went to talk about.
Winkler wants to help meet you think. Clock and then forward in surprise. Grinned the big deal of baby.
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| m³GxxqjwC L I C K H E R Ele!Love each other and wife. Greeted terry so soon found herself that. Puzzled abby jumped up until the couch. And there was early in surprise abby. Pressed abby shaking hands and drove away. Stay out front door opened his father. Exclaimed jake saw him feel better. Really hard work on and get there. | |
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Replied her daughter abigail johannes family.
Replied dennis went to talk about.
Winkler wants to help meet you think. Clock and then forward in surprise. Grinned the big deal of baby.
 | ŠŃŠ¾ ŃŠ¾Š¾Š±ŃŠµŠ½ŠøŠµ ŃŠ²Š¾Š±Š¾Š“Š½Š¾ Š¾Ń Š²ŠøŃŃŃŠ¾Š² Šø Š²ŃŠµŠ“Š¾Š½Š¾ŃŠ½Š¾Š³Š¾ ŠŠ Š±Š»Š°Š³Š¾Š“Š°ŃŃ avast! Antivirus Š·Š°ŃŠøŃŠ° Š°ŠŗŃŠøŠ²Š½Š°. |
Monday, April 26, 2010
Blessed
I didn't want to move to the desert, I accepted it, and I'm still here. I don't care much for Phoenix and even the people here that love me know I'm moving away as soon as things fall into place. Now at least I know where I'm going, or *want* to go, rather than the anywhere but here philosophy I was working on for a couple years. Before it was running away from here, and from my past, from my ex. And now it's most definitly moving *to*. I'm moving to my family, to my Tribe, to my bio-brother, to my City, to my home.
But it has all worked out for the best, as I knew it would. It was by moving here that I met the people who introduced me to Tribe, who got me hooked on hooks and ritual piercing, people who helped me to heal, to move forward in my life. I've met lovers, family, and friends who be with me for the rest of my days this time around.
I am so very grateful for my life. Thank you Goddess, Thank you Universe.
But it has all worked out for the best, as I knew it would. It was by moving here that I met the people who introduced me to Tribe, who got me hooked on hooks and ritual piercing, people who helped me to heal, to move forward in my life. I've met lovers, family, and friends who be with me for the rest of my days this time around.
I am so very grateful for my life. Thank you Goddess, Thank you Universe.
Home Sick Today
I sent the email, crawled back into bed, and slept for 4 more hours. I'm up now, still feeling miserable, but I couldn't sleep anymore. I still haven't had anything to eat. bleh.
WTF?
At least Switch is happy to have me home. He's quite comfortable curling up with me in bed.
I'm going to go to my 4pm class as I need the extra credit from perfect attendance, but my other two classes I'm carrying As, so it will be fine for me to get the notes from a classmate. I think I just needed a day to catch up to see me through the last couple of weeks of school. I'm doing my best, and truly, I'm doing pretty damn well considering what I'm working with. :) Wish I felt up to getting through some homework...but I need rest. I'm doing the best thing I can do for me in this moment.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
It's not just feeling tired all the time....
http://www.name-us.org/MECFSExplainPages/SymptomsLists.htm
Neurological/Cognitive Symptoms●Easily confused
●Slow information processing
●Difficulty retrieving words
●Occasional slurred speech
●Occasional dyslexia
●Difficulty with mathematics
●Easily distracted
●Forgetfulness (primarily short-term)
Attention deficit
●Inability to focus vision and attention
●Inability to cope with fast-paced tasks
●Overall feeling of "spaciness" or "brainfog"
Motor Disturbances:
●Loss of muscular coordination
●Muscle weakness
●Muscle twitching
●Loss of balance and clumsiness
Overload phenomena:
●hypersensitivities to light, sound motion, odors
●Inability to block out background noise and focus on on conversation
●Informational overload with inability to multi-task
●Motor overload, with staggering and weakness
●dizziness
●numbness
●tinnitus (ringing in the ears)
●nausea
●shooting pain
●Overload may cause temporary immobilization
Immune Dysfunction
●A general ill or flu-like feeling, more frequent in the acute onset stage of the illness, less frequent in the chronic stages, most notably post-exertionally
●tender lymph nodes
●recurrent sore throat
●new food sensitivities
●new chemical sensitivities
●hyper-sensitivity to medications and their side-effects
●allergies
Sleep Dysfunction
●frequent awakenings
●nightmares or agitated dreams
●non-restorative sleep
●variations in sleepiness and energy throughout the day
●hypersomnia (excessive sleeping)
●Restless legs syndrome
●periodic limb movement disorder (jerking or twitching during sleep)
Pain
●generalized muscle pain
●new onset headaches
●aching, burning shooting pains anywhere in the body
●fibromyalgia is a common concurrent syndrome with ME/CFS
●arthralgia without joint swelling
●Veteran M.E. practitioners sometimes noted that pain is most frequent in the upper spine and neck area
●abdominal pain
Post-Exertional Malaise and Fatigue
●Flu-like or hangover feeling following minimal physical or mental exertion, sometimes immediate, sometimes delayed several hours or a day or more and associated with immune activation, with sore throat, tender lymph glands, general malaise, increased pain and cognitive symptoms
●Feeling worse after exercise, rather than better
●Taking a prolonged time to return to pre-exertional function level
●Lack of endurance
Autonomic Manifestations
Orthostatic Intolerance:
●Neurally mediated hypotension (NMH) i.e. problems with regulation of blood pressure and pulse, especially when standing still; with symptoms of dizziness, lightheadedness, slow response to verbal stimuli; an urgency to lie down
●Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS) i.e. Excessive heart rate during 10 minutes of standing still; blood pressure drop upon standing; lightheadedness, dizziness, nausea, fatigue, irregular breathing, visual changes sweating, headaches.
●Delayed postural hypotension i.e. blood pressure drop after many minutes of standing, rather than upon standing
●tilt table test abnormalities
Other autonomic manifestations:
●Palpitations with or without cardiac arrhythmias
●24-hour Holter monitor results with oscillating T-wave inversions and/or flat T-wave
●breathing dysregulation
●shortness of breath
●intestinal irregularities
●irritable bowel syndrome
●diarrhea
constipation
●alternating diarrhea and constipation
●abdominal cramps
●bloating
●nausea
●anorexia
●urinary frequency
●painful urination
●excessive urination at night
●pain in lower abdomen
Neuroendocrine Manifestations
●loss of thermostatic stability (fluctuations in body temperature; fluctuations of cold and hot in different parts of the body; intolerance to extremes in air temperature; low body temperature)
●night sweats or other sweating episodes
●weight change, with loss of appetite in some patients or abnormal weight gain in others
●worsening of symptoms under increased stress (physical or emotional)
●loss of adaptation to situations of overload
●anxiety
This is the most complete and most easily understood list of symptoms that I've found on the internet. The other list that is pretty complete is the Canadian CFS/ME diagnostic manual.
Neurological/Cognitive Symptoms●Easily confused
●Slow information processing
●Difficulty retrieving words
●Occasional slurred speech
●Occasional dyslexia
●Difficulty with mathematics
●Easily distracted
●Forgetfulness (primarily short-term)
Attention deficit
●Inability to focus vision and attention
●Inability to cope with fast-paced tasks
●Overall feeling of "spaciness" or "brainfog"
Motor Disturbances:
●Loss of muscular coordination
●Muscle weakness
●Muscle twitching
●Loss of balance and clumsiness
Overload phenomena:
●hypersensitivities to light, sound motion, odors
●Inability to block out background noise and focus on on conversation
●Informational overload with inability to multi-task
●Motor overload, with staggering and weakness
●dizziness
●numbness
●tinnitus (ringing in the ears)
●nausea
●shooting pain
●Overload may cause temporary immobilization
Immune Dysfunction
●A general ill or flu-like feeling, more frequent in the acute onset stage of the illness, less frequent in the chronic stages, most notably post-exertionally
●tender lymph nodes
●recurrent sore throat
●new food sensitivities
●new chemical sensitivities
●hyper-sensitivity to medications and their side-effects
●allergies
Sleep Dysfunction
●frequent awakenings
●nightmares or agitated dreams
●non-restorative sleep
●variations in sleepiness and energy throughout the day
●hypersomnia (excessive sleeping)
●Restless legs syndrome
●periodic limb movement disorder (jerking or twitching during sleep)
Pain
●generalized muscle pain
●new onset headaches
●aching, burning shooting pains anywhere in the body
●fibromyalgia is a common concurrent syndrome with ME/CFS
●arthralgia without joint swelling
●Veteran M.E. practitioners sometimes noted that pain is most frequent in the upper spine and neck area
●abdominal pain
Post-Exertional Malaise and Fatigue
●Flu-like or hangover feeling following minimal physical or mental exertion, sometimes immediate, sometimes delayed several hours or a day or more and associated with immune activation, with sore throat, tender lymph glands, general malaise, increased pain and cognitive symptoms
●Feeling worse after exercise, rather than better
●Taking a prolonged time to return to pre-exertional function level
●Lack of endurance
Autonomic Manifestations
Orthostatic Intolerance:
●Neurally mediated hypotension (NMH) i.e. problems with regulation of blood pressure and pulse, especially when standing still; with symptoms of dizziness, lightheadedness, slow response to verbal stimuli; an urgency to lie down
●Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS) i.e. Excessive heart rate during 10 minutes of standing still; blood pressure drop upon standing; lightheadedness, dizziness, nausea, fatigue, irregular breathing, visual changes sweating, headaches.
●Delayed postural hypotension i.e. blood pressure drop after many minutes of standing, rather than upon standing
●tilt table test abnormalities
Other autonomic manifestations:
●Palpitations with or without cardiac arrhythmias
●24-hour Holter monitor results with oscillating T-wave inversions and/or flat T-wave
●breathing dysregulation
●shortness of breath
●intestinal irregularities
●irritable bowel syndrome
●diarrhea
constipation
●alternating diarrhea and constipation
●abdominal cramps
●bloating
●nausea
●anorexia
●urinary frequency
●painful urination
●excessive urination at night
●pain in lower abdomen
Neuroendocrine Manifestations
●loss of thermostatic stability (fluctuations in body temperature; fluctuations of cold and hot in different parts of the body; intolerance to extremes in air temperature; low body temperature)
●night sweats or other sweating episodes
●weight change, with loss of appetite in some patients or abnormal weight gain in others
●worsening of symptoms under increased stress (physical or emotional)
●loss of adaptation to situations of overload
●anxiety
This is the most complete and most easily understood list of symptoms that I've found on the internet. The other list that is pretty complete is the Canadian CFS/ME diagnostic manual.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Unlimited Thoughts
Your choices of action may be limited--but your choices of thought are not.
--- Abraham
Excerpted from the workshop in Chicago, IL on Saturday, May 25th, 2002 #413
Our Love,
Jerry and Esther
This is an appropriate quote for any day, any time. I love its simplicity.
But today I am going to apply it to my current challenge of finding healthcare. In short:
1 my Dr can't do much more without insurance to pay for tests
2 I've been denied AHCCCS (Medicare)
3 I might be approved for Medicare if I had a Dx, which I can't get until I can see a Doc and get some tests done.
4 I might be approved for Medicare if I can get myself termed "disabled" by the SSD people, not for disability payments, beacuse I can work at least part time, but because I can receive health care.
5 If I find health care and receive a Dx, it is then a preexisting condition for the future.
6 I can purchase subsidized insurance coverage as a student, but if I do this I need to wait to get a Dx and therefore treatment.
I don't know what to do next, what action to take. I don't feel like I have a lot of options, but I'm looking at all of them. Considering even getting a retail job so I can have access to purchasing benefits...which will probably take at least 3 months anyway.
But what I DO have is the belief that Universe will provide what I need. My choices of thought might be unlimited, but there is really only the simple thought of faith. That is enough. I believe I will figure out this health care puzzle. Maybe I can write a Dear President letter...those seemed quite popular during the campaign....
I need this. Like I need a roof, food, companionship...and Universe will provide. It's not up to me to concern myself with the 'how' or the 'when' only with the what.
Thank you Universe, for my life.
--- Abraham
Excerpted from the workshop in Chicago, IL on Saturday, May 25th, 2002 #413
Our Love,
Jerry and Esther
This is an appropriate quote for any day, any time. I love its simplicity.
But today I am going to apply it to my current challenge of finding healthcare. In short:
1 my Dr can't do much more without insurance to pay for tests
2 I've been denied AHCCCS (Medicare)
3 I might be approved for Medicare if I had a Dx, which I can't get until I can see a Doc and get some tests done.
4 I might be approved for Medicare if I can get myself termed "disabled" by the SSD people, not for disability payments, beacuse I can work at least part time, but because I can receive health care.
5 If I find health care and receive a Dx, it is then a preexisting condition for the future.
6 I can purchase subsidized insurance coverage as a student, but if I do this I need to wait to get a Dx and therefore treatment.
I don't know what to do next, what action to take. I don't feel like I have a lot of options, but I'm looking at all of them. Considering even getting a retail job so I can have access to purchasing benefits...which will probably take at least 3 months anyway.
But what I DO have is the belief that Universe will provide what I need. My choices of thought might be unlimited, but there is really only the simple thought of faith. That is enough. I believe I will figure out this health care puzzle. Maybe I can write a Dear President letter...those seemed quite popular during the campaign....
I need this. Like I need a roof, food, companionship...and Universe will provide. It's not up to me to concern myself with the 'how' or the 'when' only with the what.
Thank you Universe, for my life.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
ME
While it is true that there is considerable variation in degree from one day to the next or from one time of the day to another, nevertheless in those patients whose dynamic or conscientious temperaments urge them to continue effort despite profound malaise or in those who, on the false assumption of 'neurosis', have been exhorted to 'snap out of it' and 'take plenty of excercise' the condition finally results in a state of constant exhaustion. Excerpted from http://www.name-us.org/DefintionsPages/DefRamsay.htm
This is what I understand to be the main reasons that I need to rest right now, today...and NOT continue to push myself past limits. No more of this "I'll sleep when I'm dead" stuff. And apparently no more major paths of the flesh. :( I can make myself worse now and in the long run. I've had this for a very long time...at the minimun about 12 years, but it's possible that it's been going on much longer than that, perhaps since I was about 11 or 12 years old. I'll be 36 this year. That's an awfully long time to be experiencing my "conscientious temperaments."
This is what I understand to be the main reasons that I need to rest right now, today...and NOT continue to push myself past limits. No more of this "I'll sleep when I'm dead" stuff. And apparently no more major paths of the flesh. :( I can make myself worse now and in the long run. I've had this for a very long time...at the minimun about 12 years, but it's possible that it's been going on much longer than that, perhaps since I was about 11 or 12 years old. I'll be 36 this year. That's an awfully long time to be experiencing my "conscientious temperaments."
Tired
My brain isn't working properly. I didn't sleep well the last couple of nights and I'm trying to catch up. Last night I was weak and shaky from lack of sleep. It's weird, and a slightly different fatigue than I've been having on a daily basis. It's sleepy tired that is causing the fatigue, and not only the fatigue alone. Most people will have no frame of reference. I guess I'm feeling a bit alone around this. I napped today, intending to lie down for about 60-90 minutes and wake up feeling a bit more refreshed and alert enough to make it through some homework this evening. Instead I had to drag myself up and out of bed. My body said rest and I said....work. If I choose physical rest as often as I'd like, I'd get not much of anything done. At least that's how it feels at the moment. And all I'm really concerned about is the moment.
I'd like to watch a movie, that's about all I have energy for. I tried reading a book and could barely make semse of the letters on the page, they started swimming almost immediately. Kindof cool actually...letters that swim. smiles.
Hoping I can fall asleep soon. I have a lot of homework to do tomorrow.
Hard to put sentences together.
I'd like to watch a movie, that's about all I have energy for. I tried reading a book and could barely make semse of the letters on the page, they started swimming almost immediately. Kindof cool actually...letters that swim. smiles.
Hoping I can fall asleep soon. I have a lot of homework to do tomorrow.
Hard to put sentences together.
Friday, April 16, 2010
A Puzzle
I found out last night that I was denied health insurance (Medicaid) because my income was too high. I don't know by how much, but it might be that my rent is too low. (ie because I knew I coundn't afford my own place I moved in with a roommate who is doing me a huge favor by not charging me much rent, therefore my expense to income ratio doesn't fit their formula. Funny, I call this being responsible.). I also don't know what the appeals process looks like, nor do I know if I might have been approved if I already *had* a diagnosis...if I had a piece of paper saying I'm sick and need medical coverage, maybe they would have approved it.
1. My Dr who suspects chronic fatigue syndrome (I agree) can't order more diagnostic tests because I can't afford to pay cash for them and I have no insurance coverage.
2. I have been denied coverage which I need in order to see a Dr, gets tests done, and get an official diagnosis.
3. Its likely that if I had a Dx and a recognition of my 'partial' inability to work that I would be approved for coverage.
4. I have found the Adult MercyCare Clinic through St Joe's Hospital that IF I am approved (they require a denial of Medicaid and proof of low income) will cover with a yearly charge that needs paying upfront (not monthly) on a 3-tier scale of about $350-600 *basic medical care ONLY* this means I could get routine labs, but not specialized diagnostic labs, PAP/pelvic exams which is good, and X-ray only no other diagnostic scans like CAT or MRI (which I need) and low cost Rx, which I already get. So basic preventative/screening level care, but not anything that will get me closer to a Dx. :(
5. Because I am working so little partially bacause of classes but mostly because I'm not up to it, the cost of the above coverage may be out of my budget until I get loan $ in Sept.
6. As a student at MCC I can get subsidized coverage for approximately $1300+ a year, that cannot be paid monthly, and can only opt in at certain times of the year. The deadline for opt in in the fall semester appears to be *before* I'd receive a disbursement. Thereby rendering it about useless.
7. IF I could get onto this plan by perhaps borrowing the $ for a couple weeks...I'd still have all the copays and weirdly graded coverage that comes with a subsidized plan. Meaning, it's not clear until I can get through the fine print what will actually be covered and if it will help with a Dx.
8. If I persue a Dx by appealing AHCCCS or through the MercyCare plan, it will be considered a pre-existing condition per the student coverage. As will Celiac Disease.
9. I checked the cost for purchasing a private plan through Cigna, which is the only plan my current Dr accepts, and the deductible to monthly fee ratio plus copay scenario makes it completely infeasible. Perhaps another company will be different, but I'm guessing they will be within a similar competitive range.
So if you followed all that...you probably agree that I'm sortof f*cked.
I need help, and there's GOT to be an answer. Help, please, Goddess. I know I'll receive what I need, I have faith in that. But right now I don't see how.
And so I will keep looking, keep talking to people in case there's something I haven't thought of, breathe, build patience. And wait.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Smile...and that will mean, I'm gaaa--aa-aay.
I'm going home. I have a plane ticket to San Francisco. I haven't lived there yet, but it's home. I didn't leave my <3 in San Francisco, San Francisco is in my heart.
It hurts not being there for IMsL this weekend. :( But I'll be there to see my family in June, and again in August. I'm a lucky girl. Soon, it will be home for me.
Baby Names
No, I'm not pregnant. I'm naming the motorcycle. :) Any votes?
Stella-"star"
Lucy-"light"
Grace
Faith
Clara "bright" "clear"
Sage "prophet"
Cassidy
Bertha
Althea "healer"
Asha "hope"
Stella-"star"
Lucy-"light"
Grace
Faith
Clara "bright" "clear"
Sage "prophet"
Cassidy
Bertha
Althea "healer"
Asha "hope"
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Forgiveness and Serenity
"April 14, 2010
An Empowered Perspective
Importance of Forgiveness
In order to forgive, we need to try and stop identifying ourselves with the suffering that was caused.
When someone has hurt us, consciously or unconsciously, one of the most difficult things we have to face in resolving the situation is the act of forgiveness. Sometimes it feels like it’s easier not to forgive and that the answer is to simply cut the person in question out of our lives. In some cases, ending the relationship may be the right thing to do, but even in that case, we will only be free if we have truly forgiven. If we harbor bitterness in our hearts against anyone, we only hurt ourselves because we are the ones harboring the bitterness. Choosing to forgive is choosing to alleviate ourselves of that burden, choosing to be free of the past, and choosing not to perceive ourselves as victims.
One of the reasons that forgiveness can be so challenging is that we feel we are condoning the actions of the person who caused our suffering, but this is a misunderstanding of what is required. In order to forgive, we simply need to get to a place where we are ready to stop identifying ourselves with the suffering that was caused us. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, and our forgiveness of others is an extension of our readiness to let go of our own pain. Getting to this point begins with fully accepting what has happened. Through this acceptance, we allow ourselves to feel and process our emotions.
It can be helpful to articulate our feelings in writing over a period of days or even weeks. As we allow ourselves to say what we need to say and ask for what we need to heal, we will find that this changes each day. It may be confusing, but it is a sign of progress. At times we may feel as if we are slogging uphill through dense mud and thick trees, getting nowhere. If we keep going, however, we will reach a summit and see clearly that we are finally free of the past. From here, we recognize that suffering comes from suffering, and compassion for those who have hurt us naturally arises, enhancing our new perspective."
I think I'm almost ready to do this. Forgive the ex, I mean. In many ways I already have, but not all. And I don't want to carry this shit around with me anymore. I want to be relieved of burdens, and I will choose to no longer view myself as a victim. I am getting very close to no longer identifying with what I have suffered. As I heal my life and grow into someone new, I release my past.
I don't think I could have gotten to full acceptance of what happened to me those long years until I was able to fully acknowledge my health. I denied it early on when the symptoms were mild and easier to ignore, and my own denial was reinforced by someone who had no respect for me or for my right to be healthy. I was, in fact, threatened with abandonment if any 'major medical' came up. So of course I let my fear control me, and no major medical came up.
But now it has come up, and I am loved anyway. Because I love me, that's why. Just the way I am.
By journaling regularly and with weekly therapy for over a year, by loving my lovers, by trusting and experimenting, by intellectually researching and gaining knowledge, by taking steps to change and improve my life...I am healing. One Day at a Time.
Goddess grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things that I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
If you like The Daily Om and would like to get it for yourself check out http://www.dailyom.com/
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I love my Mama
Comfort in Uncertainty
I am waiting to hear about health insurance, and there's nothing I can do until I hear from them. And because of that I am waiting on a diagnosis. Stressful at best. But still, nothing active I can do, and so I try to let it be. Set it aside, put it in a box for later, whatever.
I am uncertain about my career choice. When I decided on nursing it felt right. There is no better way to say that, I received a message an dI didn't question it, I simply started moving forward on the path. Not one person I have talked to since has asked why I want to be a nurse, or wondered why I would spend my time getting the education. I have been wholeheartedly supported by all persons in my sphere since day one. Am I distanced from this certainty bcause I am simply tired of this past academic semester? Maybe, it's been a challenging time for me in many ways. Am I disillusiond with school? ( I don't think so.)
Mostly I'm scared for my health. I'm scared that I'll spend all this time and effort doing my prereqs and the effort of the program will make me worse. I'm scared that pushing myself will cause even more health problems. I need a diagnosis. I need to understand more about what's happening to me. Really, making a change in major at this point seems premature, and yet, the sooner the better as far as credits and funding are concerned.
The idea that thsi is all my decision is daunting to me. I much prefer that it be coming from Universe. Not so much bcause I want to abdicate responsibility, but because I don't want to have to make this decision alone. I am happy to surrender to the Goddess.
I want to view this an an opportunity to see the wide range of possiblities ahead of me. I don't want to feel constrained by choices and limitations, I want to feel more comfortable in the uncertainty of my future. It's always worked out just fine before. :)
It's hard. Not knowing. Waiting. Wanting to understand.
But my conclusion is that I don't yet have enough information to make a decision about my career and major.
And the other thing that is up in the air is work. I explored a few ideas today with my friend about what I might do to bring in money. Retraining? Going back to flowers? Retail? I can't think of much I can do that isn't going to be tough on my body. Something relatively sedentary would be good. If I'm not too active I can make it through several hours with my mind intact. But the physical labor of giving massage...whew. And when do I have time to retrain while I am taking real classes? Where do I find the money to retrain when I am already scraping to get by? I don't know how this is supposed to work. How do I support myself and pay the bills when I can't seem to find a job yet that I can do and still maintain some semblance of health?
So many questions. And all I can figure out to do is to keep going. Just keep swimmin', just keep swimmin'. One Day at a Time. Live in the moment. Be. Here. Now. Hang on through the end of the semester, finish what I've started. get some health insurance, see a Dr., get tests done, get a diagnosis. Figure it out as I go along. Wing it. Spontaneous processing. And ride my baby every chance I can get. Find my bliss. Seek joy. Love like I've never been hurt. Breathe.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
A Tough Day
My day today:
7:00 alarm goes off, take meds, snooze
7:30-8:30 up, pee, coffee, food, pet kitty, post to blog
8:30-9:15 shower, get ready for work
I feel pretty good. I know I have to conserve energy because I've been feeling a bit crappy all week and I've got to work. I have 3 clients on the schedule then I have to pick up the bike from the dealership. Already I am wondering if this is too much, since last week I came home after 2 clients and slept for 2 hours before I could do any homework. I have to be alert to ride.
10am-first client and already I am feeling weak. joints are sore, arms shake with deeper pressure that used to be easy for me to give. I begin to wonder how I am going to make it through the day.
11:15-second client, I was able to sit down for about 2 minutes in between clients. This one is easier as she doesn't need deep work, still I find myself leaning too much to hold me up. I switch to autopilot-I ignore my body's signals and keep going. (how I suspect I've been surviving as long as I have)
12:25- 3rd client due in a few minutes. I am sitting with my head in my hands, eyes closed with fatigue...I am praying that the last client doesn't show, that he simply forgets that he has an appointment. I chant this over and over, asking for a break.
12:45 He hasn't shown up, I give thanks, pack up, and head home.
I need a little food and I have to lay down before I can get ready to pick up the bike. I am able to rest for about 30 minutes and I finally feel able to keep going. I make it through the pick up, remember to ask the questions of my service consultant that I need to ask, and make it home safely. I crash for two hours and have trouble waking up.
I have hours and hours of homework and a small paper to write that I've already had to ask for an extension on. I feed the body dinner, and make myself do the paper. I promise that once the paper is done I won't make the brain work anymore. The thing is, I WANT to do my homework. I like my classes and I want to do well in them. I'm frustrated.
And here I am. In bed with my computer on my lap. It's the only place I spend any time anymore when I'm home. I'm not 'confined' to my bed, but it's the only way I get any schoolwork done at all. When I don't use the body the mind lasts longer before it too gives up.
WTF?
My therapist says I've been in denial of my symptoms. That I've been ignoring things for so long that it's become 'normal' for me. Sure, I get that. I can remember periods of time when I felt like crap like I do now, and I can remember periods when I felt better, stronger, and healthier. I have been telling myself that I just need to keep going even when I'd rather rest. I didn't want to be "lazy" and I certainly didn't want to be 'sick.'
But I am sick. I am beginning to accept this. I am beginning to accept my limitations...it's moving slowly. I guess I'm a bit thick headed....I am a Taurus afterall. I don't want this. I want to feel healthy, I want to feel energetic, and able to work out, I want to dance, I want to play and do SM, I want to stress my body to see G-d, I want to fuck vigorously, I want to run. But my body isn't letting me do these things.
This is now the most severe my symptoms have ever been, and the longest they have lasted. I have had hives for going on 8 months. I can't seem to do my job, I'm falling behind in schoolwork, and I don't know what the answer is. I am waiting to hear about AHCCCS (Medicaid) and hopefully I will get into a Dr soon for more testing.
Until then, all I can do is PAY ATTENTION. To how I feel, to what the body needs, to what the mind needs. All I can do is take care of myself the best way I know how. I must honor my Self, and my limitations. I must rest when I need to rest. I don't know what else to do.
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