Out Of My Mind

I felt like an addict today when I was sitting on the edge of my bed, head hanging, a bottle of pills in my hand. I even poured them out and counted how long they would last. I picked one up and rolled it around my fingertips imagining what it would feel like to swallow it, the metallic taste in the back of my mouth, my heart racing as it kicked in. But I didn't take any. I slid them all back into the bottle and left them on my nightstand while I went to work.

I mean no disrespect to those who have dealt with or continue to deal with addiction. I respect you for your struggle and your recovery. I went to Al-Anon. But aside from cigarettes, (non-smoker for over nine years) I don't have any personal experience being addicted to a substance.

What I do have is what I am perceiving to be nearly unbearable circumstances. Notice how I worded that sentence. I don't mean they *are* unbearable, only that I perceive them to be. I'm looking for a way out. I need it to stop. I'm going nuts. Bonkers. Batty. Loosing my marbles and hanging chandeliers with not enough bulbs. Whatever.

At two weeks I was in tears of defeat. At three I'd asked for help from my doc and started to help myself. It's been nearly eight weeks of horrible, painful, inflammation and swelling, matched with other weird symptoms and now terrible ME/CFS flare up too.  And it's been five fucking weeks that I've been surviving on fruit smoothies, raw food snacks, and green tea. Two months of nightmarish inflammation and I'm so done. I give up. This is too much.

I can't go out, I can't eat normal food, I'm having trouble breathing because of bronchial inflammation, coughing, headache, hives, swelling, skin bruising, heat, fever, sore throat, swollen glands, swollen esophagus, joint pain and swelling, strange bleeding, poor sleep, rhythmic muscle spasm, high doses of palliative meds that are probably hurting my liver and kidneys, and oh yes...I'm fucking tired. Tired of walking, tired of working, tired of pushing myself through activities that are hurting me. I'm fucking tired.

I want to cry but my throat is so sore it will hurt, and my eyes already feel like they're burning. I try to watch funny viral videos to raise my mood but when I laugh it hurts to cough. My muscles are sore, I feel raw in more than a few ways.

All I seem to be able to do is bear it. And often I seem to be able to do it with a smile, a good mood, and even positive, uplifting attitudes.

But not today. Fuck it. I want the drug.

I want the nasty steroid that will suppress my immune system and completely deregulate an already deregulated system. I want the drug that will make me put on more weight, swell up like a puffy balloon so none of my clothes fit, retain fluid in my legs and ankles so painful that it hurts to work on my feet all day, let alone walk to the train. I want the drug that will displace adipose (fat) tissue and make it show up in weird other places. I want the drug that causes tachicardia so high I have trouble standing up until I adjust to it. I want the drug that causes even more symptoms when weaning off of it.

I want out of my body. Or I want it to feel like I place I want to be. I need a fucking break. Fuck.