I crashed today. I reached a point where I could no longer sit up and had to lie down, and the same end-point with keeping my eyes open and keeping awake. Star Trek kept playing and somehow I knew that, but I didn't have the though or desire, let alone the ability to turn it off. And it's not like I had to get up off the couch, it was one small arm movement that I couldn't even manage. I woke myself up from snoring but also couldn't seem to turn over. I had an early day at work today so I'd guess that I wouldn't be up to much tonight, so didn't plan anything, but as usual it seems much more of a wash than I'd planned for.
I was hoping to do some manifestation work, something positive to direct my thoughts and energies for the future, an organized way of saying "This Is What I Want", and instead I find my mind spiraling with worry. In my monkey-mind's defense I'm worried about BIG STUFF....but it's not stuff I can do anything about right now. And so I've determined that the worry is rather silly. But I still feel it. And I'm concerned.
There's two major areas that are related, of course, because everything is.
One is my ongoing health challenges as it relates to my activities and my ability to do them, managing my multiple conditions, somehow finding the energy to continue working, and what's coming to look like an eventual need to apply for disability. I keep saying I'm not there yet but I think that things are happening so slowly that I might not realize that I AM there until after the fact. I don't know. How does one make a decision like this.
The second is school. How to work enough to pay the bills while I'm doing it, the classwork itself (pretty low on the worry list, actually) , paying for it now that I'm almost at the financial aid cap, and worry over the exertion of school AND work and how it's going to negatively affect my health. Also, there's the fact that I *need* to finish because I know I can't do the job I've been doing much longer...but it's taking so damn long I might be on disability before I can finish....especially if I'm out of money.
WTF, man. I'm trying to make my life better. I'm trying to stay OFF disability and find myself work I can do....but if I can't pay for retraining then how am I supposed to do it? Can I catch a break, please?
I'll tackle the school/financial aid issue first because it's shorter and easier to explain. I fucked around. I dropped out when I was young and didn't finish my degree. That's my fault and I get that. Then I went to massage therapy school and all of those loans went onto the total. At the time I never thought I'd want to finish "real college" again so it didn't seem to matter. Massage has given me enough income to live on, but never enough to pay anything back, so I never caught up on any loan payments. (include high medical expenses in there) So when I DID decide to go back to finish my degree, it had been so long few credits counted and I basically needed to start over. (my associates degree in massage doesn't count toward anything, it's a trade and not transferable.) I chose nursing. A reliable field where I could find work and something for which I believed I had aptitude and skill. Six months back at full time school with part time work (I've always worked) I got very sick, again. The worst symptoms I'd ever had before. I was diagnosed with "chronic fatigue syndrome" which is also known as ME (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis) A year later, still struggling with disabling symptoms, I finished my nursing pre-reqs and applied to nursing programs. I got in because of my excellent grades but I declined the admission because of my poor health. If I was having trouble simply making it through an average day, then what business did I have training for a program that expected physical labor and 12 hour shifts? If my brain was foggy, I probably didn't belong in a job where someone's life was in my hands, no matter my good skills and intentions. I had to change my major, again.
I took a leap and decided on the most logical course based on past credits, more current credits, and personal interest. I went back to biological anthropology and began to set my sights on graduate school.
Now the money issue. Simply, because of my varied past I am now very close to the financial aid cap for undergraduates. The cut-off is 57,500. I could have sworn that when I checked it two years ago it was 67, 500, but perhaps I don't recall correctly. I can't seem to get an answer anywhere on whether the cap is based on the original total disbursed loan amounts or on the total owed which now includes the capitalized interest. Likely it's the total amount due, which is over 51,000 already.
So let's say I have 6500 left available to me in loans. One year of tuition is over 7. I have at least two years to go. That's the basics. There is still the need to work to try to cover living expenses, and I won't be able to work as much while I'm in school. If I can't pay tuition I'll have to drop down to part time or take one class at a time while I work at job that is so physically challenging that it's making my health worse. I'm trying to finish school so I can get OUT of my current job like I needed to four years ago. With upper division classes that are offered only once every two years, completing my degree will be very drawn out if I cannot attend full time.
Yes there are scholarships, but I'm white and have no children so my options are limited. I don't have the extra energy to do civic work, extra projects or essays that are required for many applications. I've already applied for what I can for the year through my school.
Yes there are private loans. I'm not eligible. I don't have any credit cards and very little in savings (and that usually ends up going to medical expenses or school expenses) My credit is quite poor due only in small part to actions that are my fault. I am a survivor of a long-term abusive relationship and my ex controlled the money. Years later I am still suffering financially because of what he did to me. I can't even get a car loan on my own and that's considered the easiest to get because if you don't make the payments they just take the car away from you.
Yes, there are grants. Because I've had to work instead of showing low taxable income because of classes, I'm not currently eligible for a Pell Grant. There are CalGrants, and I may receive a small amount that could help, around $1000, but I can seem to get a clear answer on my eligibility. Even though I'm a CA resident, most if the entitlement funds go to students who graduated from a CA high school or did their lower division in CA. Most of my lower division credits are from Arizona or New York. I had to leave AZ and finish my degree here in CA because I needed to get away from my abusive ex.
So that's the (much longer than I'd planned) summary. I don't think I can make myself write about my health and illness or potential disability right now. I don't have it in me. It's too hard. It will have to wait for another post.
I do feel somewhat successful though, as making my mind think coherently enough to make sentences out of words has calmed down my emotions. I'll take the small victory, thank you.
No comments:
Post a Comment