Pushing Myself

I've been doing it all week so I can be ready to move tomorrow.  I'm grateful for the dress rehearsal (pre-CA) and all, but I'm wiped OUT!  I've been getting through on green tea and chocolate, buzzing myself up on sugar, caffeine, and NSAIDs to make it through the day instead of more wholesome food and rest.  bleh.  Liver, kidneys and pancreas.....please don't fail me now.

The result? I'm a weepy mess of emo.  I'm about to go over to itunes and pick out some sad songs to listen to while I pack.  I'm all about allowing emotion to be what it needs to be, about feeling what I'm feeling and learning from the situation.  Good stuff.  But I happen to know that when I'm exhausted and weepy not much good can come from it and the best thing for me to do is to go to bed.   I feel scared about the future, I fell scared that I won't be able to make enough money to take care of myself, I feel scared that my health will continue to decline, I simply feel edgy, scared, worried, anxious...my body is tired, my spirit is weary, I feel a little lonely and a whole mixed up sense of other emotions.  a jumble.  And I'm actually not too worried about the fact that I feel worried.  I can see and feel that emotion without letting it completely take control.  I know I'm feeling all of this because I'm exhausted, and so I can do my best to let go of what the worry means....because it means nothing except that I need to rest and recuperate.

But I'm moving tomorrow.  and I've got stuff to do.  arguh.  

Even good stress is stressful.  I'll probably have to come back here to clean and to pick up some last things that will get left behind, but I am seriously looking forward to being in my new place with my new roommate.  There's so much I want to get done tonight and I just don't think it's going to happen.  I want to be done, to not have to come back here, but realistically....I can.  I have the flexibility of moving from one friends home to another friends home, and I don't have to do anything all at once.  I can do it when I'm ready and able, even if it takes a week to get done.

One Day At A Time.

Blessed Be.

Not Quite Flu-ey

But sadly I think I might be getting there.  I've had strange muscle soreness in both quads over the last two days and zero physical or mechanical use reason for the soreness.  The *only* thing that may possibly have affected it is that where I was housesitting was a single story and my room here at home is on the second floor.  But it's not like I'm doing stairs or something, I'm using the same precautions I always use and I'm not taking the stairs any more often than usual. 

At work today I looked up the muscle weakness association between the quads and the small intestine meridian according to a Touch for Health book. www.touch4health.com A small intestine involvement isn't unusual for me, considering Celiac Disease, but I don't understand why now.  Even since the incident in Sedona where my legs gave out on me and I had PEMS for 5+days...and it was almost 2 weeks til my legs felt completely reliable, I've been super cautious to stop before overexerting.  

Tonight I feel weepy, have the teeny beginnings of a sore throat, and my cervical nodes are swollen.  All of this points to feeling flu-ey, the collection of flu-like symptoms that is pretty common...

sigh.

There are two variables that I see at the moment.  I just finished my week long course of colloidal silver on Sunday, also the same day that I came back here to the house after about 10 days housesitting.  While I stopped in here to take a nap, I wasn't here for more than a couple of hours.  Is it the silver that was helping me to feel that much better that two days later I'm feeling icky?  Is it the environment here? the smoke?  

I'm only here until next week Friday, and I'm going to Tucson this weekend for BCD.  I can pick up some more silver tomorrow and resume that Tx to see if it help me improve again.  Part of me is really hoping that with the move I'll experience some sort of superb improvement in my health status.  Really, I'd be ok with less than particularly superb, but I'm going for something better.  I've never felt as poor in my health as I have this past year.   I am particularly sensitive to my environment, what if there's some mold here that combined with the smoke has been negatively affecting my health?  And to note again, while my health has been on a slow but steady decline with spurts of remission and symptoms for many years, there was a significant increase in symptoms when I moved here to Phoenix.  That's when the severe hives got so bad I needed prednisone. I don't seem to have huge improvement with 7-10 days away from Phoenix in California, but perhaps that takes longer.  I won't know until I move, but there is that possibility.   I moved in September of 2006 and the terrible hives started in January of 2007.  

Some thoughts. 

So I'm putting myself to bed early.  Night all.

No Nap?!? My week in review.

So today is the first day, perhaps this year...(the memory isn't great) that I got through the day, accomplished a bunch of stuff, and I didn't absolutely need a nap, even an anticipatory one.   I think this is mighty fine.  I've been feeling so good I'd almost say I'm kinda normal.  That is, until I have to do the stairs a few times in a row because I forgot something I needed, or if I'm carrying something heavy (like all my schoolbooks at once.)  I've had a good week, and I've especially focused on getting a good nights sleep.  I think this is making all the difference.  I'm also towards the end of a course of colloidal silver, so perhaps that is helping my body fight the virus a little...or perhaps there was some minor underlying bacterial infection that was contributing to a weakened immune system.  Dunno...but I'll take it. 

At the moment I'm feeling a need to take note of a few pretty awesome things I've done in the past week so I remember to give myself credit and recognition.  

I am learning not just a new operating system with the new MacBook, I am also learning how to download an install software, how to transfer data from my hard drive, how to convert .wma files to MP3 files, new Office for Mac software, iTunes software, a new web browser, etc. Wild. 

I finished a rough rough draft of my admissions essay to USF.  I've got a few really amazing people who have volunteered to read it for me, 2 with PhDs and one my brother who has a degree in literature, and probably one more with a writing degree if I asked. my old English prof, who is writing me a letter of recommendation would probably help if I asked too.  Neato.  I've still got a few weeks to turn in the application.  In fact, since everything is electronic and is coming form different sources it all doesn't all have to be together.

I have to register for spring classes tomorrow morning which seems simple, right?  With anticipating my move to California and the transfer into (possibly) the state system there, I've had to do a lot of research into what classes will transfer.  I am also uncertain at which school I belong, and each one has slightly different requirements for transfer admission.  Small differences, but all the same...I'd rather not take a class here and have to retake it for whatever reason.  And some school require a class to be taken at their institution, and the State Board has some requirements for the degree program too.  And there are differences in community college, state college, and private college.  That's a lot of reference material to sort through to decide on classes.  And then I have to look at schedule, availability, etc.  That's the easy part.  (yikes)

I was housesitting for 10 days.  That might not sound like a lot, but to me it's quite disruptive to my space and my schedule.  Now traveling is different, as I switch into constant unexpected disruption mode, right?  But being in town, doing my regular stuff, and not being in my space with my kitty can be rough for me.  

I negotiated with a new roommate to move in two weeks.  I gave notice to my current one.  I've started packing and even more planning the packing has been done. 

I taught a kick ass piercing training class for 12 people over almost 5 hours...and I did good. 

I printed out, filled out, and organized the UPC symbols a receipts needed for 3 different rebates.

I did my Butchmann's Experience registration.

I accepted and wrote thank you notes for both scholarships I received. 

I learned how to work iChat and had a video call with my dear LondonFaerie. :)

I took care of myself, I rested, I watched movies, I slept when I needed to, I fed myself ok.  I'm (mostly) keeping up with schoolwork and so far have 100% on quizzes.  (3 major tests this coming week) 

Combine all this with full time class and 3 days of work, plus two private clients, and all the driving between work, school, appointments, home, and housesitting, and meetings...I can't believe I'm not more pooped.  

Okay bedtime.  Thanks for reading.  xoxo

31 page views

Weird.  I'm learning about the stats information on this site that is available to me.  This morning at 7am I got 31 page views out of Columbia.  WTF??  And they were about my 9/11 and my Mom post I made, well, last Saturday, the 11th.

Weird.

I feel better :)

I'm having a pretty darn good week health-wise, and I'm quite excited about it...well, excited as I can be while still being normal tired, rather than knock down tired and wound up anxious freak out can't sleep tired.

I'm taking pretty good care of myself this week, although I could be better.  I'm noting differences primarily in two major symptoms, fatigue and splenomegaly, and comparing them to which NSAID I was taking.  Tylenol seems to be by far the best, but I felt liver pain, I think.  If I'm on it every 4-4.5 hours then I'm alright, but it takes a little more awareness while the naproxen seems to give me a smoother up and down, if that makes any sense.  When I run out of tylenol, I know it, cause stuff starts to hurt, but on some days if I'm not pushing myself too much I may only need one naproxen in the morning, on a harder day I'll take a second one.  I do find that I seem to be a little bit more nauseous on the naproxen.  For a few days I switched to ibuprofen and I felt pretty crappy.  Although I admit that I wasn't on the ball about the every 4 hour thing, and so I may still have some room for improvement.  I haven't had spleen pain  in a few days, but the overall discomfort has been pretty constant.  I'm aware of say, how I lean on a counter, or how I position my body when I sleep.  I feel full and bloated and swollen, but I can deal with that more easily than the pain.

I'm moving in two weeks.  I have a helper with a trailer and a suburban, but no one so far who can help carry boxes.  Although if I can get the boxes onto a dolly, my friend can move them.  I'm a bit concerned about how this is going to come down.  I think that if I'm ready and packed, and that I take the time to move everything from the second floor in small pieces so I'm not going up and down the stairs, maybe I can 'stage' most stuff in the garage, and that will make moving day easier.  If I can do it in one trip, I can push myself through knowing I can crash afterwards.  I don't have much stuff, but I wouldn't mind one other person to help with boxes.  Ahh, it will be what it will be.  A move from a great roommate situation to what I perceive will be a better one.

 And it will be practice to see just how much crap I've accumulated living in one place for 18-ish months.  The longest in a few years.  This move will be good prep for the big move to California.  I'll have some idea of what I'll need to have out and available as well as what I absolutely don't need out and can be left in longer term storage...and that only leaves some middlish stuff, some of which I will not keep, some I will and I'll have to find a place for it.  This move will help me decide if my plan to ship a handful of boxes to SF and then load up my car will work.  (shipping the bike, of course) I SO don't want to pull a trailer, I'm simply not comfortable with the idea of being alone on the road with a trailer.

This will also be the time to decide if Switch is coming with me to California.  I just don't know.  I am so grateful to have him around, especially when I'm sick and in bed for a few days.  He really approves of mom taking lots of naps, and it's good to have support.   He helps with the loneliness that hits sometimes.   I am missing him this week while I'm housesitting, and I'm looking forward to taking a nap at home tomorrow afternoon with him.  Only a couple more days til the folks who live here will be back from Malta.  But I know that finding a place to live with a kitty is hard, and more expensive.  I don't have to decide now.  There's time, there's application, there's planning and manifesting a new place to live.  I'll simply open myself to what Goddess has in store for me, just like any other day.  :)

Alright, a fairly dull post, but I'm so thrilled to be feeling better that I had to share.