Challenging Times

It's been more than a month again since I last wrote here but today I'm feeling the need to share a little.

I'm having a tough time right now, on a couple of different levels.

I'm having some kind of relapse again and my symptoms are up while activity is down. This leaves me emotionally drained, weepy, anxious, and depressed along with feeling like total crap. I am managing about 4-5 good-ish hours again before needing a rest...but I have to push it through class for 7 or more. After coming home and napping for almost 2 hours I managed to make myself dinner, take out the trash, and do a load of dishes. Now I'm beat again.

But I got through my school day, and I accomplished some things that seemed manageable. Cause there's certainly enough that doesn't feel manageable at all. Like the paper that is due this week, or studying for my microbiology practical. TG4 spring break.

I'm scared and worried. I wonder if I'm going to make it through school going like I am. I cut my work days down to 2 from 3, and I'm barely making enough even with financial aid. Disability is starting to look like an option and that makes me sad. But I'm not there yet. I'm holding on...and pushing myself...and it seems I can't quite recover from this bigger relapse. For the record, pushing myself makes me sicker. The only thing that helps is rest.

On the financial front...I had set aside a fair amount from my aid this semester as moving money, but half of it is now gone. poof. It's my fault, it went to pay a debt...but I am pissed that they wouldn't even work with me, wouldn't even listen that the money they were taking was from federal loans, didn't care that I only make less than $650 a month, didn't care that I took out that loan because I actually need it to live. But now it's paid and done, and off the plate. One less debt to worry about.

Financial abuse is something that is talked about even less than psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse. It's like everyone knows that if you hit someone it's abuse, or if you practice deprivation or ridicule it's abuse, and people understand the non-consentual sex is abuse...but no one talks about financial abuse. I'm in a lot of trouble now because of my ex, and I'll be digging myself out for a very long time.

And so I've had to rethink my move, and how it's going to happen. There's some things I can probably sell on craigslist or ebay, but it is going to take a fair bit of effort and time, something I'm lacking at the moment. We'll see. But it seems the only answer is to sell my car, something I was hoping to avoid. I'd prefer to keep it, having faith that I'd find a place to live with parking. There will be times when riding the bike won't be feasible, and I'm concerned that I won't have much stamina to do a lot of walking via public transportation. It seems I'm going to find out. There's no other place where I can get a few thousand dollars, nothing else I have that I can sell besides my car to help finance this move. So be it. It's not like I'm staying here in the desert. bleh.

I'm also thinking about going down to part time classes for the next year, assuming I don't get into USF and I'm at City College. But I don't know how much aid I'll be eligible for, and with part time classes that means I'll have to work more. At least the loans I do have will be deferred with at least 1/2 time classes. And there's a motorcycle maintenance class at CCSF too, cool, huh?

I'm also about done with this massage therapy thing. It's too much physical work for not enough money, and the taxes suck big sweaty ass. I don't want to do it for work when I'm in CA. Also because of the level of training and experience I have, an average employer isn't going to be able to pay me anything worth working for. The standards of training there are pitifully low, so employers are accustomed to paying less. If I were to put time and effort into building a practice I'd kick ass, cause I'm good at what I do, but that's not what I want. I'm thinking Whole Foods would be real nice...maybe a medical office front desk or something. We'll see.

I should be hearing from USF soon enough. Probably within the week-ish. Finding out either way would be really cool about now, as I've put certain moving options on hold because I don't know which part of town I'll need to be near, nor what a budget might be. Rent will have to be cheap, no matter where I am. I know I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.

I'm feeling discouraged enough about classes and nursing school right now that I'm considering other majors. Not ready to make changes quite yet, but I want to consider options. Right now, although a couple options are on the table, a psych major seems to be in the lead. Maybe there's some programs that are more science based, I have no idea. Just thinking.

I'll also have to do some research into health care. I doubt I'll be able to get medicare unless I make a try for disability. And if I go with the disability option there's not a nursing school that will take me. Even though I'll only need help for a couple of years. Such a small thing, a little help while I get through school and then can support myself again.  That's all I ask. And according to social security, if by some chance I'd ever get approved for disability (which is hard without there being a definitive test for ME/CFS, and without health insurance to pay for testing or care) the amount I'd get would put me at poverty level. Not good. I just need a little help while I'm in school, that's not too much to ask, is it?

So frustrating. I'm doing everything I can right now to get ahead, and school is so important to me. But what to do in the meantime? How do I live and make the bills, and get through my day? I don't know the answers.

Good thing I'm not in charge, eh?

Alright, off to bed with me.

Bee Totems and Lessons of Sacrifice

A little over a week ago while attending the Butchmanns Experience, a spiritual retreat teaching self-actualization within and utilizing Master/slave identifications and relationships, I was stung by a bee.
The honey bee is one of my totem animals and is tattooed on my left ankle near some flowers and a lovely but simple butterfly.  In my belief system, a personal and explicit action taken by one of my totem animals to communicate with me is a powerful message.  The fact that this bee sacrificed itself to deliver that message is a gift for which I will have eternal gratitude.  A life was given for my benefit.  Thank you, little bee.

I've come to understand that a big part of this message is wrapped up in another area of growth for me.  In August, while on retreat, I discovered that my damsel had become a princess...and that she wanted to be witnessed.  Soon after however, I realized that the path of the princess is to grow into a Queen.  I felt resistance around this but I've kept it close.  Now with the bees message of royalty, among others, this path is becoming clearer to me.  It's an evolution, and I don't expect it to happen now, or even soon.  It will happen so gradually that I may one day only fully grasp this transformation from the other side of it.

In the meantime I have researched some different meanings and traditional interpretations of bee totem messages, and I've selected a few more personally meaningful ones to share here.

In the secular world, the bee was a royal symbol and the queen bee was long regarded as a King.  Also a sign of creativity, wealth and eloquence.  The Egyptians used it as a symbol of regal power

The bee symbolizes the original source of all life and inspiration.  Looked upon as a symbol of the potency of nature, because while creating a magical elixir, known for its preservation properties, they were also pollinating flowers, increasing plant fertility, and abundance.  Because of these symbolic meanings, the bee has been used as an emblem by those who wish to associate themselves with the inspiration of the Gods.

Honey bee reminds us to gather the sweetness of life, Honoring your Nvwati/Good Medicine (divine spark), establishing firm boundaries, connecting with your natural self, Goddess and Earth energies, speaking in your true voice, working with spirits of nature, and social networking.

The Royal Bee Totem possesses the following virtues: Messages from higher planes and consciousness, prophetic dreams and visions, industry, wealth, industriousness, diligence, cooperation, productive hard work, sexual attraction, the power of giving back when taking, the ability to turn something unassuming into a wonderful creation, ability to enjoy and savor the sweetness of life, connection with the Earth and living things, divine messages, productiveness, focus, sensitivity, and realizing the fruit of ones labor.

The stinger is also significant, a bee's stinger represents sacrifice. The stinger is used as a defensive weapon, yet can result in death. When a bee totem appears you may need to ask yourself what needs to be sacrificed or let go of. If you allow yourself to let go of things that no longer serve you, the sweetness that may be in short supply will flow toward you more freely.

A lot of my work during and after that retreat weekend has revolved around my connection to Goddess and Universe, understanding what she is asking of me and acting with obedience to the best of my ability.   As I replaced the crystal I have been wearing for two and a half years as a symbol of my Service to Her (it was chipped during the retreat, itself telling me that it was time to allow it to move out of my life) I recalled that by design the crystal had covered up a scar from an old collaring ceremony of a relationship that was....erm...unsatisfactory and unhealthy for me.  I believed at one time that I needed to wait for someone else to recut over that scar...and I finally realized that *I* was that someone.  As a part of my process of the princess growing into a Queen, my recognition of the bee's message for me, the movement of the crystal out of my world, and the letting go of the connections represented by the old scar...I cut a small bee (which fit nicely) over the scar.  It looks pretty damn good for doing it myself in the mirror with a #11 straight blade. ;) Wishing I had a few #15 curved.  ;) 

I'll be recutting it again soon, as I want it to be quite permanent.  This time was for me and my process.  The next time I'll get a picture of it to share.  

Butchmanns Experience Affirmations

Being an enabler or a co-dependant is not equal in any way to being a slave.

I have felt the most positive and accelerated growth over the past few years with my tribe and as I become more and more self-sufficient.

I receive direct messages about my life, my path, and my purpose from Universe.  I do not need an intercessor. 

I welcome angels, messages, and information from many varied sources and each source is different and valuable.

I value mirroring provided to me by others because it offers me a view that is not colored by my own ego.

I have the Faith and the Confidence to be obedient to Goddess and Universe.

I enjoy being in service to humans occasionally and by my choice.

I must take care of my needs first, and then care for others with my Abundance.

I value the unique and varied connections with others that are Divinely present.

If I have agreed to serve in some way, and my needs become known and urgent, I can feel resentful of the commitment.  It is better to speak those needs, to recognize them and value them first, then determine the best course of action.

I feel powerful when I am independent, confident, and my needs are met.

I am most comfortable with a varied continuum of relationships, sexualities, genders, and authority exchanges. 

All archetypes have equal value and will have equal opportunity for presentation and expression. 

All thoughts, words, and actions are serving my greatest good as well as the greatest good of All. 

Ho, Mitakuye Oyasin

I AM already perfect in this and in each moment.  Who I am is constantly changing. 

In being Authentic I sometimes risk the perceived loss of a sense of inclusion, acceptance, or approval.  Authenticity is worth the risk every time.

Only I can choose to serve, no one makes the decision for me.  If Universe brings me a Master, I may choose to serve.  If Universe offers me a slave, I may also choose to serve.  If Universe beings me a partner, or many partners, I will still choose to serve.  I am obedient to Divine Will. 

Not my will but Thy will be done.  Let my will and Thy will be one.

Protocol was enabling my social anxiety.  I feel stronger when I am able to act with my own authority in each different social situation.

Control of actions, behaviors, and play partners was helping me to feel loved, however this too enabled me to continue with the illusion of unworthiness.  I am worthy of love and do not require the attentions of others as a way to feel valuable.  Attention feels good, but most important is my self-love and self-respect. 

Low Dose Naltrexone

I have a check-up with my doc on Wednesday and I'm planning on starting this treatment.  I've done s significant amount of research about this Tx but there's still a lot I have to figure out.  I know that it won't interfere with any of the medications I'm already on and that's reassuring. This definitely falls under "experimental Tx" and so I"m getting used to the idea. I think I'd like to start with a small dose of about 1mg and slowly increase based on tolerance.  Not sure what my doc will recommend.  Apparently some ME/CFS folks have such a low tolerance for medication that they have trouble with this one too. This website says an optimal dose is 4.5mg, but a lot of the research I've done about people with CFS say that they are happier on 3mg.  The only way to tell if it will work for me is by trying it.  Of course I"m excited about a possibility that this might really help me to feel better, to get through my days with less fatigue and especially I'm interested in improved mental focus, reduced neurological symptoms, improved memory, reduced anxiety, etc. This is an experience that may or may not work or help.  It's not up to me.  But good Goddess...what if it helps!!!  I'd feel SO much more confident about school...my life could change dramatically....again. :) I do plan to journal about my experience with it, and I hope that maybe this journal will someday help someone else to make a decision around trying this Tx.  

How does LDN work?

> LDN boosts the immune system, activating the body's own natural defenses.

Up to the present time, the question of "What controls the immune system?" has not been present in the curricula of medical colleges and the issue has not formed a part of the received wisdom of practicing physicians. Nonetheless, a body of research over the past two decades has pointed repeatedly to one's own endorphin secretions (our internal opioids) as playing the central role in the beneficial orchestration of the immune system, and recognition of the facts is growing.

Witness these statements from a review article of medical progress in the November 13, 2003 issue of the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine: "Opioid-Induced Immune Modulation: .... Preclinical evidence indicates overwhelmingly that opioids alter the development, differentiation, and function of immune cells, and that both innate and adaptive systems are affected.^1,2 Bone marrow progenitor cells, macrophages, natural killer cells, immature thymocytes and T cells, and B cells are all involved. The relatively recent identification of opioid-related receptors on immune cells makes it even more likely that opioids have direct effects on the immune system.³"

The brief blockade of opioid receptors between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. that is caused by taking LDN at bedtime each night is believed to produce a prolonged up-regulation of vital elements of the immune system by causing an increase in endorphin and enkephalin production. Normal volunteers who have taken LDN in this fashion have been found to have much higher levels of beta-endorphins circulating in their blood in the following days. Animal research by I. Zagon, PhD, and his colleagues has shown a marked increase in metenkephalin levels as well. [Note: Additional information for Dr. Zagon can be found at the end of this page.]

Bihari says that his patients with HIV/AIDS who regularly took LDN before the availability of HAART were generally spared any deterioration of their important helper T cells (CD4+).

In human cancer, research by Zagon over many years has demonstrated inhibition of a number of different human tumors in laboratory studies by using endorphins and low dose naltrexone. It is suggested that the increased endorphin and enkephalin levels, induced by LDN, work directly on the tumors' opioid receptors — and, perhaps, induce cancer cell death (apoptosis). In addition, it is believed that they act to increase natural killer cells and other healthy immune defenses against cancer.

In general, in people with diseases that are partially or largely triggered by a deficiency of endorphins (including cancer and autoimmune diseases), or are accelerated by a deficiency of endorphins (such as HIV/AIDS), restoration of the body's normal production of endorphins is the major therapeutic action of LDN.

From www.lowdosenaltraxone.org 

Personal Death Concepts

This is an assignment required for my psychology class which asked 10 specific questions such as why was I born, what is the meaning of death in general, do you feel fear or anxiety  over your own death, and does contemplating death case you to live differently, etc.

Lauren Ide

PSY 156 Understanding Death and Dying

Professor Newell

Fall 2010

I believe that I was born to learn, to grow, to experience physical sensations, and to fulfill a purpose.  In my personal belief system my Spirit, my unique and perpetual essence, made a conscious choice to be born to my parents during this time and place in order to interact with specific people and to have specific experiences.   This belief extends to my understanding of the meaning of life in general: to have experiences, to gain knowledge and perspective, and to create.  I know that I am here to experience the rush of adrenaline-laced thrill, the agony of heart-wrenching grief, and the elation of new and lasting love.  Emotions and sensations don’t necessarily need to be understood only allowed and experienced.

During periods of introspection I have come to some understanding of my life’s purpose.  With the above stated belief of experience and a general meaning of life, I also believe it is my responsibility to seek specific experiences that call to me as well as to peacefully allow experiences that are out of my control.  I have gained an awareness of the personal satisfaction I receive when I am in service to my concept of higher power and to others.  Helping others by creating a sense of safety, mutual understanding, and kindness fills my heart with joy.  With practice I have also learned that I am also fulfilled when I create a similar healing environment for myself. I know that along with life’s purpose to simply BE, it is my path to engage in compassionate service to God, Goddess, and Universe.

Death is a transition to a difference plane of existence.  It is, and that is it’s meaning.  It is easy to see examples of transition in the world around us: winter giving way to the new life of spring is just as important to the seasonal year as the apparent “death” of vegetation during the dark winter months.  Although many who find death uncomfortable may often misunderstand this idea, death is a normal and healthy consequence of life.  The Spirit’s experience of death and the transition to the next plane is an important part of the collection of experiences in this life.

While I believe that my death will, like all deaths, have a ripple effect that will affect my loved ones and those close to them, my death will have the most meaning to me.  In keeping with my belief system of gaining experiences, my personal death experience may or not be the most important or memorable opportunity to gain perspective.  I wish a conscious death, one with awareness understanding of each phase of this “greatest transition.”

I hold a strong belief that what makes us “us” is a Spirit, an ethereal energy that resides here on this plane and in this “body suit” temporarily before moving on to what’s next.  All things are impermanent, including this physical body and this life.  Impermanent too is the experience of the Spirit in the next plane.  I believe that for a time the “I” that is me will cease to exist as I become one with the Divine.  After an indeterminate amount of time, because time isn’t linear only our perception of it is, then my Spirit will most likely again choose to be reborn into another body and another time and place to continue to grow, learn and experience.

I live with chronic illness and it happens to be the exact same diagnosis that my mom had, who passed at ago 56.  Because of this, as well as my own desire to connect with Spirit, I’ve spent a great deal of time studying my own anxieties and concerns about the deaths of my loved ones as well as time in self-examination about my own death experience. With my strong spiritual belief in Divine order and meaning, I have alleviated much of my anxiety.  I believe that there are reasons for everything and even though I may never know or understand what those reasons are, I am comfortable knowing that there is a greater purpose.  I do still have some discomfort and anxiety around the idea of a quick end such as a car accident or other violent death, but I work with the idea that whatever my experience is, then that is what is supposed to be.  I honestly don’t know how to make it through my day without the idea that there is a power greater than myself supporting me and guiding me towards my purpose and for the Highest Good. 

I was raised Roman Catholic, baptized, communed, and confirmed, although materialist science was also taught in my childhood home.  A perfect example was when my mom explained to me that I couldn’t take the Bible too literally and even though it states that the earth was created in 6 days (Genesis 1:1-31), that each of those “days” could mean an epoch or an era.  She would then use this as a teaching opportunity to explain geology or pre-history.  Today I understand the power in ritual, chanting and mantras, prayer, incense, etc, but I choose to use those tools to focus my consciousness and to connect to the Divine Source without a prescribed set of dogmatic beliefs.  I believe it is more important to have a personal and intimate connection to God/Goddess/Universe that feels true in my heart than to behave according to the rules of human intercessors.  

The experience of introspection and contemplation throughout my lifetime has led me to make different choices than I would have if I had continued with the same belief system as my family of origin.  I learn and practice present-focus, I live in the now and I do it right here, because it is only the present that matters.  While I have held these beliefs for many years, my active daily practice has improved since I received a diagnosis earlier this year that is not immediately life threatening but is life shortening.  Every moment and every action matters, every word I speak holds weight and power, and since I don’t know if I will have a chance to right a wrong, I make every effort to do it right the first time.  I make choices that others might view as risky, and I do it because I place a high value on having the experience, on surviving or completing a task or an ordeal.  I’ve jumped out of a perfectly good airplane, I ride a motorcycle, I am working on my Bachelor’s Degree and next year I’m moving to San Francisco to live near the ocean.  I don’t intend to wait for a physician to tell me I have limited time in this body to change my ways of living and interacting or to do something I’ve always wanted to do.  I already know that time is limited so I’m doing it now.  And if I don’t get to it this time around, time is also infinite so I know I’ll have another chance on my next turn around the wheel.

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things that we did not do that is inconsolable.”  Sidney J. Harris

I feel better :)

I'm having a pretty darn good week health-wise, and I'm quite excited about it...well, excited as I can be while still being normal tired, rather than knock down tired and wound up anxious freak out can't sleep tired.

I'm taking pretty good care of myself this week, although I could be better.  I'm noting differences primarily in two major symptoms, fatigue and splenomegaly, and comparing them to which NSAID I was taking.  Tylenol seems to be by far the best, but I felt liver pain, I think.  If I'm on it every 4-4.5 hours then I'm alright, but it takes a little more awareness while the naproxen seems to give me a smoother up and down, if that makes any sense.  When I run out of tylenol, I know it, cause stuff starts to hurt, but on some days if I'm not pushing myself too much I may only need one naproxen in the morning, on a harder day I'll take a second one.  I do find that I seem to be a little bit more nauseous on the naproxen.  For a few days I switched to ibuprofen and I felt pretty crappy.  Although I admit that I wasn't on the ball about the every 4 hour thing, and so I may still have some room for improvement.  I haven't had spleen pain  in a few days, but the overall discomfort has been pretty constant.  I'm aware of say, how I lean on a counter, or how I position my body when I sleep.  I feel full and bloated and swollen, but I can deal with that more easily than the pain.

I'm moving in two weeks.  I have a helper with a trailer and a suburban, but no one so far who can help carry boxes.  Although if I can get the boxes onto a dolly, my friend can move them.  I'm a bit concerned about how this is going to come down.  I think that if I'm ready and packed, and that I take the time to move everything from the second floor in small pieces so I'm not going up and down the stairs, maybe I can 'stage' most stuff in the garage, and that will make moving day easier.  If I can do it in one trip, I can push myself through knowing I can crash afterwards.  I don't have much stuff, but I wouldn't mind one other person to help with boxes.  Ahh, it will be what it will be.  A move from a great roommate situation to what I perceive will be a better one.

 And it will be practice to see just how much crap I've accumulated living in one place for 18-ish months.  The longest in a few years.  This move will be good prep for the big move to California.  I'll have some idea of what I'll need to have out and available as well as what I absolutely don't need out and can be left in longer term storage...and that only leaves some middlish stuff, some of which I will not keep, some I will and I'll have to find a place for it.  This move will help me decide if my plan to ship a handful of boxes to SF and then load up my car will work.  (shipping the bike, of course) I SO don't want to pull a trailer, I'm simply not comfortable with the idea of being alone on the road with a trailer.

This will also be the time to decide if Switch is coming with me to California.  I just don't know.  I am so grateful to have him around, especially when I'm sick and in bed for a few days.  He really approves of mom taking lots of naps, and it's good to have support.   He helps with the loneliness that hits sometimes.   I am missing him this week while I'm housesitting, and I'm looking forward to taking a nap at home tomorrow afternoon with him.  Only a couple more days til the folks who live here will be back from Malta.  But I know that finding a place to live with a kitty is hard, and more expensive.  I don't have to decide now.  There's time, there's application, there's planning and manifesting a new place to live.  I'll simply open myself to what Goddess has in store for me, just like any other day.  :)

Alright, a fairly dull post, but I'm so thrilled to be feeling better that I had to share.  

You know what?

You know what? Sometimes I forget that as an adult working a job and going to school can be a really challenging thing to do...and nursing prereqs aren't the easiest classes either. Sometimes when I'm feeling frustrated, I like to remind myself of this.

And you know what? Living with an auto-immune dis-ease, even if the Dx has been with me for 14 years, it impacts my life several times a day and that can be a challenging thing too.

And you know what? Living with a misunderstood, socially dismissed, medically challenging, and personally limiting chronic illness is a pretty hard thing to do too.

And you know what? I do it all.

And most days I do it all with love and grace, and tears, and frustration, and joy, and with sincere gratitude for my life.

And you know what? I get As. I have friends and lovers who appreciate me, I have family who loves me, a Tribe that supports me, a super cool motorcycle named Lucy, and I have this amazing body suit that temporarily hosts my beautiful and powerful Spirit during this turn of the wheel that is capable of the coolest sensations like pain, anxiety, orgasms, and of course, sneezing.

I am alive.
Thank you Universe, for my life. I think I'm doing a damn fine job.

Thank you Goddess for the opportunities to serve you, myself, and others. I am blessed.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Love, love, love. <3
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Spleens and Channa Masala

I haven't been able to eat a lot lately.  I've had just enough mild nausea that food doesn't seem very appetizing.  I also can't seem to handle larger volumes of food.  I've been surviving on about 8-900 calories a day.  Good news is I've lost a little weight, which, considering my limited activity level, is quite impressive.  I haven't had coffee in weeks, and I've been enjoying peppermint tea regularly.  It's comforting when hot, refreshing when iced, and helps with nausea.

So tonight I had some rice noodles and a little channa masala.  not a huge meal.  and about half an hour later I had pain in my spleen.  I couldn't stay upright without pain, but lying on my right side helped.  I took a couple naproxen and rested with an ice pack for about an hour and it's better enough that I can sit up to type.  I doubt that it was what I ate, I'm guessing it was too much volume.  I've had discomfort from volume before, but not pain. bleh.

I've gotten into the habit lately, looking for some before bed to get my mind ready for sleep rituals, of pulling three cards from a deck.  I have Sonia Choquette's Ask Your Guides cards.  I used to use them frequently, but haven't for a couple years now.  I'd like to pick up a set of Caroline Myss's Archetype cards.  I've been working with a few specific archetypes from the book Sacred Contracts, and I've discovered some new perspective and meaning after my recent growth experiences. 

Anyway...I pulled my three cards this evening, and I wanted to get it down.  1-how to view the current situation. 2-how to best raise the vibration 3-what I am over looking

1-"Death/Guardian Angels" devastation, surrender, defeat, humiliation   Your Guardian Angels' message, "Let go and let God(dess) take over.  And move on."

2-"Survival/Healer Guides" suspicion, endurance, vigilance, perserverance Their message: "The danger has passed, you are safe.  It is time now to heal and learn from your experience."

3-"Loss/Healer Guides" sorrow, depression, grief, regret Their message:"Seek sources of help"

I wish I could copy the full description from the cards here, but I don't have the patience to type it all out.  This doesn't feel like and average draw.  Or maybe it's cause I'm feeling pretty crappy, and I had a feeling at the office today that it was time to move on.  I knew this was to be a transition year for me, and I was mostly thinking about moving to San Francisco, applying to USF and likely getting accepted and such.  And I've felt such positive transitions in other areas of my life...I guess that maybe a new job...something with some health insurance, might be super nice.  I'd like to work at Whole Foods...

I'm doing my best to listen to my body, to my Spirit, to Goddess...I'm listening and working and changing, and surrendering to transition, even if it's uncomfortable.  I think this attitude helps to prevent the clue by 4 to the head that comes when listening isn't happening.  I'd like to avoid the clue by 4 thankyouverymuch.

OK, bed now.  rest.  class in the morning.

Letting Go of Coffee

So I made it out to a coffee in Tempe this evening.  I like going, and I'm slowly meeting the regulars.  I had to come home from work and nap for about 90 minutes before I could even decide if Iwas going to go.  Thankfully I didn't ride the bike, although in retrospect I'd have been fine with the weather, I ended up feeling worse than I had anticipated. 

This was definitely an example of how my social needs outweighed my needs to be home and rest.  I felt alright until I got out of the car at the coffeeshop, but my body told me immediately that I needed to take it slowly.  I mostly sat in one place and didn't greet a lot of folks cause I was wobbly on my feet. I sat and let people come to me. 

Part of me feels like I would have been happier not going out, as I am sometimes uncomfortable with people knowing I don't feel well.  I'm used to grinning and making it through because that's what needs doing.  I'd rather people not know...but I also get lonely when I'm home alone resting all the time.  And I've been having trouble lately with there being more smoke in the house, feeling like I'm shut in with the A/C and the smoke and I can't get away from it. And so I go out, even when I'm not feeling great.  Physical and mental rest are only some of my personal needs. And I think it's normal to want balance.

I felt as though my world was moving more slowly than than everyone else's.  And really?  I'm doing so much better on average right now than I was earlier this year.  But it seems that the more I slow down, the more aware I am of my needs moment by moment, the more I need to rest.  The more I realize that I've been running on empty for a long time.  And the more connected to Source I feel.  The sicker I am, the better I feel.  Yes.

Yes, I'm working with chronic illness (number 2) and at the moment I'm doing a  lot of accepting of the situation, but once I make it through the acceptance phase I think I'll be more, umm, accepting? I feel resistance because I feel loss.  I feel frustration (when I have the energy to actually feel frustration) because my world keeps changing, limits change from day to day, challenges are new and different. Desires and drives change too.  Mostly for the better, for quality rather than quantity, for value and comfort.  Good stuff.

There is only this moment. And there is only what I feel in this moment, right now.  It's only when I worry about what I used to be able to do, or worry about not being able to do something in the future that I want to do, that I feel resistance.

to the moment

now.

breathe.

let

go