Challenging Times

It's been more than a month again since I last wrote here but today I'm feeling the need to share a little.

I'm having a tough time right now, on a couple of different levels.

I'm having some kind of relapse again and my symptoms are up while activity is down. This leaves me emotionally drained, weepy, anxious, and depressed along with feeling like total crap. I am managing about 4-5 good-ish hours again before needing a rest...but I have to push it through class for 7 or more. After coming home and napping for almost 2 hours I managed to make myself dinner, take out the trash, and do a load of dishes. Now I'm beat again.

But I got through my school day, and I accomplished some things that seemed manageable. Cause there's certainly enough that doesn't feel manageable at all. Like the paper that is due this week, or studying for my microbiology practical. TG4 spring break.

I'm scared and worried. I wonder if I'm going to make it through school going like I am. I cut my work days down to 2 from 3, and I'm barely making enough even with financial aid. Disability is starting to look like an option and that makes me sad. But I'm not there yet. I'm holding on...and pushing myself...and it seems I can't quite recover from this bigger relapse. For the record, pushing myself makes me sicker. The only thing that helps is rest.

On the financial front...I had set aside a fair amount from my aid this semester as moving money, but half of it is now gone. poof. It's my fault, it went to pay a debt...but I am pissed that they wouldn't even work with me, wouldn't even listen that the money they were taking was from federal loans, didn't care that I only make less than $650 a month, didn't care that I took out that loan because I actually need it to live. But now it's paid and done, and off the plate. One less debt to worry about.

Financial abuse is something that is talked about even less than psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse. It's like everyone knows that if you hit someone it's abuse, or if you practice deprivation or ridicule it's abuse, and people understand the non-consentual sex is abuse...but no one talks about financial abuse. I'm in a lot of trouble now because of my ex, and I'll be digging myself out for a very long time.

And so I've had to rethink my move, and how it's going to happen. There's some things I can probably sell on craigslist or ebay, but it is going to take a fair bit of effort and time, something I'm lacking at the moment. We'll see. But it seems the only answer is to sell my car, something I was hoping to avoid. I'd prefer to keep it, having faith that I'd find a place to live with parking. There will be times when riding the bike won't be feasible, and I'm concerned that I won't have much stamina to do a lot of walking via public transportation. It seems I'm going to find out. There's no other place where I can get a few thousand dollars, nothing else I have that I can sell besides my car to help finance this move. So be it. It's not like I'm staying here in the desert. bleh.

I'm also thinking about going down to part time classes for the next year, assuming I don't get into USF and I'm at City College. But I don't know how much aid I'll be eligible for, and with part time classes that means I'll have to work more. At least the loans I do have will be deferred with at least 1/2 time classes. And there's a motorcycle maintenance class at CCSF too, cool, huh?

I'm also about done with this massage therapy thing. It's too much physical work for not enough money, and the taxes suck big sweaty ass. I don't want to do it for work when I'm in CA. Also because of the level of training and experience I have, an average employer isn't going to be able to pay me anything worth working for. The standards of training there are pitifully low, so employers are accustomed to paying less. If I were to put time and effort into building a practice I'd kick ass, cause I'm good at what I do, but that's not what I want. I'm thinking Whole Foods would be real nice...maybe a medical office front desk or something. We'll see.

I should be hearing from USF soon enough. Probably within the week-ish. Finding out either way would be really cool about now, as I've put certain moving options on hold because I don't know which part of town I'll need to be near, nor what a budget might be. Rent will have to be cheap, no matter where I am. I know I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.

I'm feeling discouraged enough about classes and nursing school right now that I'm considering other majors. Not ready to make changes quite yet, but I want to consider options. Right now, although a couple options are on the table, a psych major seems to be in the lead. Maybe there's some programs that are more science based, I have no idea. Just thinking.

I'll also have to do some research into health care. I doubt I'll be able to get medicare unless I make a try for disability. And if I go with the disability option there's not a nursing school that will take me. Even though I'll only need help for a couple of years. Such a small thing, a little help while I get through school and then can support myself again.  That's all I ask. And according to social security, if by some chance I'd ever get approved for disability (which is hard without there being a definitive test for ME/CFS, and without health insurance to pay for testing or care) the amount I'd get would put me at poverty level. Not good. I just need a little help while I'm in school, that's not too much to ask, is it?

So frustrating. I'm doing everything I can right now to get ahead, and school is so important to me. But what to do in the meantime? How do I live and make the bills, and get through my day? I don't know the answers.

Good thing I'm not in charge, eh?

Alright, off to bed with me.

Gratitude, Peace, and Letting Go

Such a grand title for what will probably be a common everydayish sort of post.  But isn't that what it's all about? Finding gratitude for what IS, peace in the moment, and to be able to let go of attachment every day.  I live for now.

Finals are done and I got my first B.  It was only one credit so it wasn't weighted very heavily.  I came out with a 3.958 GPA.  I feel like some of the pressure is off now that I don't have to be perfect.  :) I'm doing school so I can get a better job, make more money, do something I love, to be of service to others...but also because I love love love to learn.  I dig school now, I like squeezing all this information into my head-even if it hurts sometimes-and I want to know this.  And knowing, that's my primary goal.  That's what motivates me.

I also terminated with my therapist last Thursday.  She was an intern and has since graduated.  As I didn't seem to need focused or in depth trauma related work, she and I both agreed that I was best moving on to more general therapy where I can address varied issues like anxiety, past trauma, chronic illness, etc.  It was a good ending.  I am so grateful for her place in my life and what I learned from the work we did together. ...and it's time to move on.

I appealed the decision for AHCCCS medical care based on my current income.  I got a phone call from them but haven't managed to get them on the phone in person yet.  We'll see.  I applied for the discount medical program too as a back-up.  No word yet, but I don't see how I won't qualify for that plan. I have a call into a therapy place that supposedly give 8-12 weeks of "free" therapy.  I am hoping to get in there until another option presents itself with medical coverage.

I haven't been on the bike for a few days and I miss it.  I've been tired and with H in town I was happily otherwise occupied. Soonish. We drove up to Tortilla Flat on Saturday so I was able to check out the route.  It has been a while since I've been up there and it wasn't as steep or curvy as I remember it.  I think I can do it on the bike.  I only need to pick a day when I'm well rested and there's low traffic, like a weekday morning. 

Last week there was a big new moon in Taurus.  My horoscope says that it's  strong time for new beginnings, and that whatever I decide to put my energy into for the two weeks following the new moon, I will have positive outcome for the next 12 months. So I'm putting into action a plan to take care of myself.  Really, it's nothing different that I've been intending to do over summer break, but now I'll do it with more intention.  I will rest when I need to rest, I will feed myself good food with reasonable nutritional value and caloric intake.  I will move my body as I am able.  I will pray.  I will nap.  I will love. I will look to the future with wonder and joy in possibilities.  I will visualize my intentions for the future as if they have already occurred.  I will see myself as healthy and vibrant.  

I am feeling so pleased and grateful for the time I had with H this past weekend.  I admit to some anticipated uneasiness, not anything around him specifically, but around having someone in my space.  Over the past few years that I've been healing and in recovery, I've been pretty protective about my personal space and environment.  I've shared space with lovers at their home, or at an event or the like, but not in years have I had someone share my bed for 3 consecutive days.  And it was quite comfortable for the entire experience.  H is a kind, attentive, and sensitive person who was aware of me and my needs...and he does it quite intuitively. At no time did I feel like I was imposed upon, uncomfortable, inconvenienced, or anything like that.  He was a fine house guest.  We had easy heart-centered conversations about some difficult stuff. 

Tomorrow I start a yoga class with a couple of friends.  I'm looking forward to it. it will be a slow start to get the body moving again.  I think a stretching and gentle movement regimen would be best...but not cardio or weights. Not until I know more about what's going on with me. I've been so restricted to resting these past months and I've been frustrated by it.  If I had more energy to spend I'd easily be up and active, but instead waking time that is not booked outside of the house is spent in bed.  Not so great for the physical body, and not so great at all for the weight.  But I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to be doing for myself.  Exertion and exercise make me worse.  Yesterday making my way downstairs for lunch was a good chore...but after 3 extra hours of sleep and a couple more hours of rest I was able to make it out to a dentist appt in the early evening.  Then it was home and back in bed. Today has been much better and I made it through a day of work.

This has been a rambling and casual catch-up of the last couple of weeks.  Very mundane as far as blog entries go. But as I said in the beginning, I all about the IS and the NOW.  I let go of the past, I let go of what does not serve me here and how, I offer gratitude for what I have had, for what I now have, for what I will have, and I feel at peace.  I am blessed.  Thank you, Goddess.  I am loved.